Lace on Race Cafe: The Ask is Only The Appetizer!

So, here we are in the middle of the month, and I have yet to do an official written Ask!

I mean, to be fair, there’s been a lot to do in the last few weeks since this month began.

I, along with staff and Leadership Team, have been doing major renovations to the space of Lace on Race.

That means dust. And paint drips, and all new fixtures, and a complete re-imagining of the Lace on Race Living Room.

Because, to be quite honest, our old house has been showing wear, hasn’t it?

Considering how many of us have hung out at the orange tree, or on the front porch, or in the living room, we’ve kept it up quite nicely for over two years now! I mean, yes– we’re just a bit shabby, and we’ve never been fancy, and there are a few drops from wine spills and just enough Tikka Rose residue to make black pants an…’interesting’ satorial choice.

The lint rollers are by the door. Heh.

But these months since Jim and Kate, and now Charles and Mark and Chuck and Jerbear and their followers have really done a number on the house and property that we share.

Stuffing ripped out of sofas. Holes in the walls. Poop on the porch. Crushed young oranges. Ripped out flowers. Scribbles in books.

And that smell. Rotten, bitter, acrid. No amount of orange scented candles can mask the smell of the malevolent. Or the fetid fragrance of white supremacy as it tries to seep into the walls.

But nope. Like some of the best restaurants, we are going to re-purpose the House of Lace on Race.

The Lace on Race Cafe is being prepped for you! And for those we will serve.

Hear this. For those we will serve.

Like Jim. Like Kate. Like Charles. Like Mark. Like Chuck. Like Jerbear.

We have gotten comfortable in these last two and a half years. We have become used to good orangeade, and orange pound cake, and chicken with orange sauce. We have become used to always seeing our favorite cup on the shelf; our favorite throw on the club chair; our favorite furry rug beneath our feet.

We got used to being served. By me, later by staff, and, most recently, by the Leadership Team.

I am not at all sorry. Here, we have learned to love, and to cleave. We have learned to share the last slice of orange cake; have poured from shared teapots; have shared blankets to keep our feet warm.

We have been lucky in this. We have. We are used to a space with good actors. We are used to treating each other with kind candor. We are used to looking each other in the eye.

So we were indeed–I was indeed–caught off guard, first with Kate–Kate who treated me like a recalcitrant employee, to Jim who went from fawning to vitriolic in the space of 10 minutes, to the debacle that is The Christian Left who have spent more time in toxic tactics than they ever would have expended simply answering the queries we posed.

So no. We were not ready for name calling, on or off this page. We were not ready for wholesale dirty deleting, sarcastic drive bys, threats on my life.

We were not ready for below the belt losing strategies, or every lower level defense you could think of.

Tikka is a fairly big dog. Whatever aggression she had (almost none) when she rescued me six years ago, I trained out. So now, she expects every hand to be gentle, every voice to be loving. So when she is faced with dogs who come up on the property who are more aggressive, she is honestly perplexed. And then, usually, she trains them in her way. Since everyone is to be loved and played with, she loves and plays. Most stay and play with the tennis balls and the sticks and the nerf football. The ones who are set into their old ways don’t attack–but they do leave. Tikka rules her domain- with a love and benevolence.

Would Jim and Kate and Charles and Mark and Jerbear etc. have done the same as the heavy breathing rottweilers, or the yappy little dogs, who the old girl still thinks are snacks that run, either learned the ways of Casa Tikka or just exited the front field, rather than attempt to burn the field and the house to the ground. Were that they had the character and self awareness of the boxer who kept it moving after she learned she would have to share the stick.

But no. So now we have major renovations to do in their wake. Renovations we are doing while they are still here, doing their best to destroy.

But we do it anyway. So then, the Lace on Race Cafe.

We have talked about it, this Cafe. About the takeout counter for those who just want fish and chips wrapped in newspaper. About the kitchen with the chef’s table where the work gets done and where sore feet can rest.

I smile at the image as I imagine all of us working at the enterprise; planning, peeling, stirring, sautéing, roasting, plating, serving.

Serving.

When I came up with the idea of Lace on Race Cafe, the first conceptualization was that it would be us in the fancy dining room.

Nope.

The fancy dining room is for….wait for it….

The white napkins and damask covered chairs and crystal goblets and fragile china and sterling place settings are for Mark.

And Charles.

And Kate.

And Jim.

And Chuck.

And Jerbear.

And all of their lurkers and apprentices who are learning their ways.

We are here to serve them.

Knowing full well they *will* break the wineglass and crush it under their feet.

Knowing they will ground the raspberry reduction into the carpet.

Knowing they will rip through the damask chairs, and gouge the antique table.

Knowing they will use the sterling silver fork and try to stab us with it, even as we continue to serve them.

And serve them we will. With nourishing food they have never tasted before. And when they throw it on the walls; smear it on the doors we will be right there with another plate. And another. And another. We will be there to bind the wounds they cause in the fancy dining room, to themselves (because vitriol and anger and contempt that carry corrodes them from the inside) and the wounds they visit upon us. But we never retreat.

We can rotate though.

We can go back, into the kitchen, sit heavily at the Chef’s Table. and someone will share their plate, the plate made of heavy ceramic, and the chipped cup, and you will rest, and your fellow walker will go out and serve.

And Serve. And Serve.

We need to learn how to serve, ever better, ever deeper.

We need to continue to have the resources to serve again, and again, and again. We need to show each other who we have chosen to be even as mashed potatoes and baby carrots are thrown in our faces. We need new aprons. We need to cleave at the Chef’s Table.

So, The Ask. So we can keep giving people who have never drunk good wine; never wiped their faces with soft white linen, who have never heard the good piano because they are screaming invective over every chord.

But not only for them. For us. They can trash the Fancy Dining Room, and we will give them the best they have ever seen, and they will eat and drink deeply, even as they vilify the chef; even as they disparage the food.

But they will never deface or malign the Chef’s Table. The Ask is for us too. To give us the tools and strategies to be ever better and more effectively serve those in the Dining Room, one or two of whom *will* stop breaking and looting and destroying, and will actually settle down and eat. And maybe ask for our recipe. And we will be o so ready when they do.

The Lace on Race Cafe is in preparation, even as we continue to do our best to stay a step ahead of the vandals and looters that are Jim and Kate and Mark and Charles and Jerbear and their acolytes.

But we are building something even better.

Join us.

Sustainers (Chef’s Table) and sustainers in training, if you have not fulfilled your September commitment, this is an invitation to so so! For those of you who are new and or a la carte, this is your opportunity to partner with us and to strengthen your praxis through financial engagement with a space you find valuable and worth supporting.

As always, I love you. Covered in flower, with more than a few burns from the last few months. But still here, still stirring, still in sturdy clogs and a jaunty toque. Here to cook, to plate, to serve, to love.

Walk with me.

As Always,

Your Chef Lace

We have a NEW PAYPAL ADDRESS that we’d like everyone to start using effective immediately.  Please follow paypal.me/LaceonRace for your financial engagements going forward.


10 responses to “Lace on Race Cafe: The Ask is Only The Appetizer!”

  1. Shay Roberts Avatar
    Shay Roberts

    This is also a lesson that I’m learning – “My praxis is not contingent on someone else’s action.” When it comes to bad actors, I feel justified in actions that I know don’t align with who I want to be, what I want my praxis to be. I feel justified because I judge these bad actors as underserving of grace, love, and kindness (not to be confused with niceness though) – all of the things I readily extend to those I judge as good actors. My response and praxis should not differ in the face of good or bad actors. It should remain steady and consistent and not be dependent on situations or individuals. (Crossposted)

  2. Shay Roberts Avatar
    Shay Roberts

    This has brought me to tears. Your continued leadership and example of treating those we know will be violent to the fine dining room is exactly what I want to emulate. The grace, love, and invitation extended to those who you know will be violent and destructive, those who in my limited perspective are undeserving, is beautiful and stirring. You know what the bad actors will do, and it changes nothing in your response, in your praxis, in who you chose to be. Just like Tikka, your love and benevolence shines through and prevails. This is the type of woman who I choose to be. The type of woman whose praxis doesn’t waver, doesn’t change whether it’s met with contempt and anger or love and community. It’s not about whether the other is deserving or not, it’s about who I am choosing to be regardless of the responses I’m met with.

    I have gotten used to being served here, and I have been served very well, served in ways that do not happen in other spaces. But as you said, it’s time to start serving both in the fine dining room and at the Chef’s table. All while learning “how to serve ever better, ever deeper. ” I am still walking and ready to do the work in the kitchen and the Chef’s table while also ready to go out and take my turn at serving in the fine dining room.
    (Crossposted)

  3. Rebecca McClinton Avatar
    Rebecca McClinton

    I always resonate with the chef’s table metaphor. Waitressing was my first job and one of my favorites, waiting tables at a retirement community. What’s happened at LoR lately reminds me of the winter storm of 97’. 3 of us waitstaff (all teens) weren’t able to make it home due to the bad drifts and stayed the night on site. We were the only dining staff present the next 3 days, cooking and other duties for over 200 residents. It was all hands on deck to make it happen. The 3 star general (resident) was in the dish pit scrubbing pans, and running the dishwashing machine, with other residents as runners, running meals to various rooms. In the end we were all so much closer, didn’t matter the age, title, or experience, it was about sticking things through, even if the rice burned a little. It’s an honor walking in this space, and I’m ready with my sturdy walking shoes, scrub brush, and spatula, here to learn “how to serve, ever better, ever deeper”.

  4. Christina Sonas Avatar
    Christina Sonas

    [cross-posted] The fancy dining room reminds me of the desire to look good and to enjoy the fruits of labor without acknowledging, sometimes not even seeing the power imbalance. It is wonderful for people to serve; it is immoral to expect to be served. I am glad to be moving away from that incarnation of myself and so inspired and motivated by the community here. I’m a really good cook, especially for large groups, and I will work every day to make that true within the metaphor of the Cafe too. One North Star Special for me please 💙

  5. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    A hard lesson I’ve been learning (thanks, Lace, Dani, Marlise, and others) is to divorce myself from outcome. That my praxis is not contingent on someone else’s action. Because of my praxis, I still need to speak out, but I am not able to control what and where someone eats in the cafe, so to speak. So this Ask metaphor is really speaking to me, from Tikka’s love and benevolence to all who come to Lace’s encouragement to “learn how to serve, ever better, ever deeper.” And it’s such a warm reminder of the lumpy crossings of our community that there’s a seat at the Chef’s table when I need to rest and another with a clean apron to go in my stead (that said, it’s still showing my *privilege* when I can take a seat – just with the lipstick, that chair is not for me). And I can do the same for others: let them take the chair, and I pick up an apron, and serve, serve serve.
    September engagement fulfilled. Crossposted.

  6. Catherine Seaver Avatar
    Catherine Seaver

    This brings me great joy, and also a rush of anxiety because it’s been a messy time. And yet I kept breathing as I read, knowing that I really do trust you, Lace. I trust your vision for this space and the deep wisdom that pervades your guidelines and goals for it – to lessen and mitigate the harm endured by Black and brown people, perpetuated by white people, including me. I am all in. I’m walking a bit more slowly at this moment, but with deep resolve and determination. Walking with all deliberate speed. I’ve made my monthly financial engagement and will continue to invest my resources, energy and time in service to our North Star – here and in real life. This space has dramatically changed how I experience the world and move in it. Thank you for continuing to grow and give and help us do the same.

  7. J Crane Avatar
    J Crane

    Your metaphor reminds me of the Greensboro sit ins. I am not comparing myself or my fellow white walkers to the students involved-I have not displayed their bravery nor endured anything resembling the racism they experienced. Rather, I am thinking of the abuse directed at the students by angry white people which looked a lot like what is described here in this metaphor. It is foolish and inexperienced of white women like me to expect that challenges to white supremacy will be met with anything but abuse. And it is naive to think that our internalized white supremacy will leave us without a fight as we strive to do better.

    The metaphor also reminds me that I know how to treat a host’s dinner. I can be careful and respectful with their dishes, appreciate their cooking, and if I accidentally break something I can accept responsibility, apologize, and ask how the host wants me to make amends. White people like me would be well served to treat others with the same value as dinner plates.

  8. Angela Avatar
    Angela

    I support this idea, responding with loving kindness to vitriol, reacting with compassion to people who think they mean well but whose actions are actually hurtful. I support this community, its leadership, and the work; I am grateful for the opportunity to benefit and learn here. Thank you.

  9. Alexia Avatar
    Alexia

    Beautiful words as always, Lace. I just sent my monthly contribution.

  10. Danielle Joy Holcombe Avatar
    Danielle Joy Holcombe

    I am excited! I was chatting with another community member and had a moment where the difference between the transaction and the relational was glaringly obvious. And I realized that I am really only just beginning to internalize the relational. Until now, I have been so accustomed to a transaction with a beginning and an end, that the idea of relationship has been daunting. I likened it to “sucking me dry” in the conversation. I am grateful for a vision that shows me something fuller. How could walking and working together this way suck me dry? There is no way to be all in without embracing the ways that we will pour ourselves out into one another.

    I am absolutely here to cook, to plate, to serve, to love.

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