[Lace Watkins]

https://laceonrace.com/2021/08/21/the-six-tenets-tenet-1-lean-in/

The Six Tenets: Tenet 1 – Lean in

Discussion

[Rebecca McClinton]

I wasn’t aware of or familiar with Sheryl Sandberg or her writing on the topic of leaning in. I am certain that had I bumped into it of my own accord and not through the lens of this space, I would have missed a lot of what is discussed here. I would have over-identified in my man-slosh and in so doing participated in reinforcing a narrative that pushes Black and brown women down, just like in the straws piece we’re concurrently discussing in the Bistro. One of the things that impacted me the most when first coming to LoR was the idea of how my man-slosh from men i throughout my life negatively impacts women of color and the conversations about offending from the victim position. I’m still working to unravel just how deep that goes. Another walker pointed out to me, too, at one point how whyte women also often make such good foot soldiers for patriarchy (eg: the significant percentage of them that voted for Trump), and that was another layer of learning. Taking a victim stance benefits me, greatly. Leaning in to serve self (esteeming my own trauma) is very different than leaning in to listen, see eye to eye, believe, hold, and act upon the experiences of others.

[Dee (Dalina) Weinfurtner]

As we grow in dismantling whiteness within ourselves it can be a challenge to navigate our own slosh as women while also not perpetuating harm on Black and brown people, especially women. White women have a history of taking our trauma and perpetuating it onto others, we need to learn to manage our sloth so we can show up ready to listen and show up eye to eye.

[Rebecca McClinton]

I know it was likely a typo, but I totally started thinking about my slosh moving like a sloth after reading your comment, and that got me thinking how I’ve been seeing slosh as a fast moving thing…the slosh of liquid out of a bucket, but your word sloth got me thinking, that an equally insidious slosh is the slothful kind…the kind that white supremacy loves the best maybe even…slow, deliberate, sleek and sneaky. The kind of slosh it’s probably hardest for me to reflexively notice because it looks so much like the landscape, the landscape of patriarchy here that I was addressing can move in that manner, and when I buy into those narratives I hurt Black and brown people around me every time. Thanks for helping me lean in, in that new way.

[Kelsi Watters]

Yes, we white women need to learn to manage our slosh – so that when we feel ourselves being marginalized or excluded as women, we do not transfer that trauma by silencing or deepening our participation in the oppression of Black and brown women. Maybe part of what managing our slosh looks like is shifting the perspective or question from “I’m being excluded; what do I need to do so that I can get what I want?” to “Who else is being excluded? Whose shoulders am I standing on?”

[Rebecca McClinton]

I really like that shifted question you offer, Kelsi. I can feel my being shift from defensiveness and offending from the victim position back to eye to eye when reading it.

[Christin Spoolstra]

Kelsi, I love your reframing of that question. Not only, who else are they excluding, but, more importantly: who am *I* excluding? Whose shoulders am I standing on? Durable change starts from within

[Shara Cody]

White women being the foot soldiers of patriarchy really connects to Sandberg playing into it instead of trying to change it as Lace pointed out in the post. I’m a rule follower so this is probably a common way I perpetuate harm. There are so many examples and ideas in this post that can help me identify when I’m leaning on the rules (system) rather than leaning in with others.

[Rebecca McClinton]

I feel ya on the rule following. a harmful white woman narrative I’ve followed hook line and sinker for many years has been valuing ‘not making waves’ and erroneously calling that peacemaking (peacemaking is actually about accountability, repairs I realize now). I’ve learned to push into and through the sweat of challenging the systems and rules, but I still sweat every time. Makes me think of those old sure/unsure deodorant commercials, LOL.

[Shara Cody]

That peacemaking is actually about accountability and repair and that white supremacy tells us that it’s just “not making waves” is important to identify for me (thanks). I’m thinking that if we aren’t sweating when we’re doing this work we’re not doing it right (I can hear Lace saying “cowardice, courage, commitment” and that we need to lose something).

[Nicole Larson]

Shara, I hear you regarding everything I’ve seen in this thread.

[Nicole Larson]

I must have accidentally hit post! :-S

I hear you especially about “…I’m thinking that if we aren’t sweating…” I have tended to be at least reluctant to break out from my comfort zone in the past, including the false idea that “nobody will listen to me because I’m a woman.” The white supremacist patriarchy wants us to think exactly that way and to therefore support everything it does. My silence causes or contributes a tremendous amount of harm to Black and brown people. I will not knowingly do either anymore. Too many Black and brown people need me to wrestle with my thoughts, words, and actions so that I am a help rather than a burden.

[Shannon Brescher Shea]

Oooh, yes, the rule following. I’m a rule follower by personality because rules help the world make sense to me. (The written rules – I didn’t understand the unwritten social ones or at least forgot them frequently which made me lean on the written ones even more.) It’s taken so much work – and still does – to actively push against my desire to lean on those rules when I’m uncertain. One thing that’s helped is to ask myself “Who wrote the rules? Why? Who did they benefit then and who do they benefit now?”

[Grace Bannerman]

The “rule follower” aspect of leaning in/buying in put this in a new light for me, as did the comments below. Lots of good questions to start asking myself – Why am I citing this rule? Who am I citing it to (including myself)? Am I using it to avoid discomfort/saying something I don’t want to have to say? Do I think it is just and reasonable? Who benefits from this rule?

Women “leaning in” by adopting specific problematic attitudes and behaviours parallels the pinned post on the role of white women in slavery – white women bought into slavery and benefited from it, even in the patriarchal society. Offending from the victim position and likely able to think of themselves as being kinder than they could have been without acknowledging the injustice and cruelty of the system or trying to change the status quo. A reminder for me to evaluate “can’t”/”not allowed” vs “won’t” when I am leaning on a rule for myself or for others.

[Shara Cody]

Grace, I appreciate this connection to the pinned post about white women’s role in slavery.

[Nicole Larson]

@rebecca, I agree with you: I hadn’t heard of her either, but I probably would have also bought into what she said, were it not for the discussion here and previous conversations I have participated in in the Lace on Race community.

The fact that many in positions of privilege, be it “merely” racial or also in other arenas (position, level of income, living place, etc.), routinely step on and ignore those with less privilege is painful to me. I am an empath, and my own family were Jews on one side and poor on the other, both from Austria. My parents and their families were on opposite sides in World War II. I know what marginalization looks like from their experiences, although only one side had racial marginalization.

The fact that I also absorbed racist tenets from growing up in the US is one I acknowledge, but I refuse to keep it that way. Too many people I know and/or want to know need me to change that, and I am working to do just that.

[Rebecca McClinton]

@cnicoleslarson I like how you speak to using your empathy to lean into and dig into the internal change work. It’s easy with a gift like empathy I think to say ‘it’s too much, I’m overwhelmed…I need time/break’ (at least I’ve heard myself say those things often) and then not focus on the change work needed inside myself.

[Nicole Larson]

@Rebecca, I have done this too. I am learning not to engage in situations that might lead to me harming someone else when I have low bandwidth. Not easy, but necessary!

[Christin Spoolstra]

“Man Slosh” – this! I needed a term for that, thanks. Everything you wrote resonated with me, how I’m prone to the deep flaws of white feminism, how I will weaponize my victim stance, how I will see gender over/instead of race. Community is moving forward together. Lace has posited that if we close the racial gap other gaps like the gender gap will close as well. I agree. So am working hard to contain and lessen my Man Slosh so I have the capacity to work on the North Star

[Rebecca McClinton]

They really are all inextricably linked, aren’t they. Focusing on the one that centers me the most is an intentional distraction from the one that matters most. Thank you for that reminder from Lace that when we close the racial gap we close them all!

[Julia Tayler]

The lens of this space has helped me too. I was aware of the book and the ideas behind it and thought Yay for strong women. The error in my thinking is now apparent and will help me look at things more critically in the future.

[Dee (Dalina) Weinfurtner]

We lean in together. We lean in eye to eye. We lean in to support one another knowing we cannot do it alone. This is tenet 1. Acknowledging that the one who popularized this notion of “leaning in” was not the first one to come up with this idea. Not only that but that the popularized idea was lacking in its full power because it was missing in a lot of its original intent. There is power in taking back the relational aspect of leaning in especially under the guidance of Lace. I have work to do to fully conceptualize and internalize leaning in and I am encouraged in the power of the collective support and in the vision of doing this in a refreshed way.

[Shannon Brescher Shea]

Good point on the person who popularized it not being the one who came up with it. That’s true of so many terms that Black women have created and have been appropriated and misused.

[Laura Berwick]

The way we lean in here at Lace on Race demands something of us that leaning in in the Sandberg sense doesn’t: TRUST. When we lean into this community, we’re leaning on each other, and we have to trust that we will be held. If I lean in at a corporate meeting, I trust the table not to tip over on me. Do I trust our walkers here as much?

I find I do, though part of that is having been here for a time, at least long enough to have read the original essay when it came out, and now revisit it with new thoughts!

If we want to learn, we have to be willing to make mistakes. That has been as hard here as I find it in my career. But just as beneficial. I trust walkers here to hold me in my mistakes, and I am committed to holding others well when they make mistakes.

I don’t… WANT to make harmful errors in my words here. But I have to put my words here and risk that, because silence may be safe, but I won’t learn from it. So I lean in here with you all.

[Clare Steward]

I was revisiting some of the pinned posts (starters) and read my older comments with new eyes after immersing myself in LoR and the tools being taught here. I’ve had some squiggy reactions upon reading what I wrote but I’m glad I actively participated because I can see growth and know I’m a safer person because I’ve been open to engaging and correction along the way. That growth would not have been possible without risk and trust

[Rebecca McClinton]

That bit about willingness to make mistakes. I feel that pull to want to pull away when I make mistakes, wanting to disengage (and by doing so go straight to offending from the victim position). I know now that comes from my own historical slosh where mistakes were not welcome. Being engaged in this community has helped me realize how much adopting that expectation for perfection causes others, not just me pain, and that’s helped me uncenter it. Now I’m working to make it reflexive to lean in instead of just recognizing it once I’ve already leaned out.

[Shara Cody]

I feel like I need to trust myself more to really lean in as well because that’s part of opening ourselves up to learning.

[Kelsi Watters]

Yes, Leaning In here requires trust. It also requires recognizing the gifts we have to offer, and sharing what we have. This space also requires the hard work of recognizing and dismantling white supremacy, which I cannot do unless I recognize my privilege and the ways I have perpetuated harm against Black and brown people. That is a huge piece missing in Sanders’ book, as Lace points out, that she failed to acknowledge her privilege.

[Shara Cody]

I hadn’t heard of “lean in” as it was popularized by Sandberg but I can find myself in her dismissal of the experiences of others in order to focus on what she is saying/selling/wanting as well as in only recognizing/accepting challenges as real (like the example in the post of parking for expectant mothers) when I myself experience them.

When Lace said in the post, “Rather than Leaning In by ourselves, we Lean In with others”, I’m thinking of it as “lean in” from Sandberg is about centering and personal gain whereas “lean in” at LoR as the 1^st tenet is about the Other and about community. Also that trust is required to truly lean in is another major take away for me.

[Kelsi Watters]

The thing that strikes me most is the difference between Sandberg’s approach vs. LoR’s approach to Leaning In – self-interested and individualistic, vs. community-oriented and selfless. Individualism is white supremacy. An image that comes to mind for me is what it would look like to “lean in” as an individual vs. leaning in in a community. If I lean in as an individual, I either would fall flat on my face, or lean on top of somebody else, not inviting them to be in community with me but just expecting them to support me in order to serve my own interests. However, if I practice leaning in within a community, where we link arms and learn to simultaneously lean on and support one another, I will not fall. The further we practice Leaning In as a community, the more solidly grounded we will be, the more we will learn to give and receive, knowing we all need each other. I need all of you. I need this space and this community. When I first wandered over to LoR, I thought, Well, maybe they like me; maybe I contribute something here. I’m not sure. I think I was trying to walk with the community in a sense, but it took me a while to really learn what it meant to Lean In. And I’m still learning.

I am thinking of the difference between independence and interdependence. People have often described me as independent, sometimes fiercely independent. But, as a good friend pointed out to me, using the word independent implies that I don’t need anybody. Realistically, that’s not true. We all need people. Each of us has something to contribute that another person may not have, and each of us has something valuable to learn from the other. I think that is part of what it means to Lean In – to share whatever resources, gifts, or perspectives I have with an open heart, while always valuing and celebrating the gifts of every individual, listening to and learning from everybody, and especially listening for the voices that are not usually heard. To always be ready to pull out that extra leaf to expand the round, ever-growing table.

[Clare Steward]

Thank you for the visual Kelsi. I agree that freely giving of resources is a huge part of leaning in as a community.

[Rebecca McClinton]

Kelsi, I really like how you speak to the difference between interdependence and independence here. So true, how one is about hoarding resources, and one all about sharing them, where the sharing of resources is exactly what makes every individual and collective stronger. Thanks for pointing out the link between those things.

[Grace Bannerman]

Individualism vs community is such an important part of this. It sounds as though Sandberg’s “leaning in” literally wouldn’t work if everyone adopted that way of behaving – it doesn’t seem to allow for multiple people to succeed or for any other method of success. I also assume that it doesn’t teach people how to mentor others to lean in, or work with other people who are leaning in. It focuses on the power that an individual could gain, rather than the individual’s existing power that could be leveraged for and with others. I want to focus on the power I have (e.g. social capital from whiteness) and divest it or share it or use it judiciously rather than focusing on my positions that are less powerful. And of course, the best way to ensure it doesn’t become too individualistic is to think and work and engage within a community.

[Christin Spoolstra]

wonderful points about leveraging power in order to redistribute it, thanks, grace!

[Nicole Larson]

@Laura-Berwick, great point about trust! That makes the difference.

I admit I have been fearful of causing harm a few times, either to members of the community, someone who posted or commented on the Lace on Race page without considering its tenets, or both. However, fear blocks relationships. This community is about taking risks from the perspective of love and growth. I am committed to both, perhaps especially when it’s uncomfortable for me.

[Christina Sonas]

“Sandberg doesn’t disparage this cohort for whom her suggestions ring hollow…that would mean she had actually considered them. Their invisibility
to her; much like the invisibility of the security guard who waves her
car onto campus, makes all the difference.”

This feels like the core to me. White USAns have replaced enslavement and Jim Crow levels of supremacy, oppression, and racism with invisibility and indifference. But those are rooted in the same inhumanity, the same attitude that Black, Indigenous, and people of color are irrelevant, dispensable, and disposable. Sheryl Sandberg’s “lean in” is about succeeding in white capitalist supremacy; I want to lean in to see and to hear, to understand — and to ACT on dismantling racism, classism, and other hierarchies of oppression and destruction.

[Christin Spoolstra]

“Leaning In was only for those who already had a seat at the polished table. Who wanted less the widening and deepening of said table, but a better vantage point with the same amount of chairs.”

So much of how I was raised/conditioned was about improving my own vantage point. I can recognize now, thanks to LoR, that’s because of the element of enforced scarcity, one of the bedrocks of ws culture. There is another way. A better way. Passing the bowls (also reminiscent of the Straws and Mist post).

My boss always tells us: you want to go fast, go alone. You want to go far, go together. I liken the former to what lace calls the microwave and the latter to the crockpot. The relational is critical to relentless reliability in this work.

Because of LoR I have learned to lean in to the relational. To learn to trust in the passing of bowls. I have learned to see people eye to eye, including myself as I seek to understand and then to lessen and mitigate my own role in perpetuating white supremacy. And because of leaning in to the relational I cannot abandon this work. Because I cannot leave the individuals or the collective who have become a part of me.

[Julia Tayler]

I was raised in a similar way – with a scarcity mindset. There was only so much to go around so I had to make sure I got mine. If I didn’t someone else might take it. I’m grateful that LOR shows me the error of that thinking and makes me realize I don’t want to be like. I want to pass the bowls.

[Grace Bannerman]

Something that comes to mind reading this is that if I think things are “for general audiences,” it’s probably because it’s aimed at me and my demographic. (I should have learned this lesson with “one size fits all”!). I’m often reminded of the same principles: think of and center Black women and women with different experiences from me, especially if they’re not personally present in the spaces I’m in.

I loved Ruth Whittman’s point about “lean in” putting the onus on women to change to be like men (treating that way of being as the only way to be successful without critiquing it), instead of men changing to be like women. Pivoting to race, white women who have racial power can change our practices and look outside ourselves for role models, e.g., to Black women, and be ready and open to internalize and follow their examples (though not in the exact same ways, because we are positioned differently). As always, though, aiming for self-help/discovery/improvement is probably not as durable as focusing externally.

Lastly, I appreciate Lace’s image of leaning in together. I haven’t read or engaged with Sandberg’s lean in content, but what I’m gathering here is that it is very individualistic and doesn’t look to build teams or communities. If people are working together and leaning in together, something that affects one may be seen by all and have repercussions felt by all, who in an ideal scenario would then provide support.

[Julia Tayler]

I remember when the book came out and people lauded Sandberg for standing up for women. I admit that it didn’t dawn on me that she wasn’t standing up for all women. That is why I appreciate this space – it teaches me to slow down and really think. Not just take someone’s word for something. I love the image of us all leaning in together and leaning on each other. We hold each other – up and always. Not just the ones already sitting at the table.

[Emily Holzknecht]

I wasn’t aware of the Sandberg version of “lean-in” so I watched a 10 year old ted talk video of her talking about it. My take away was that she was basically saying the reason women aren’t leaders in any industry is because of themselves. The video was victim-blaming, and even more so for Black women who from Lace’s piece it sounds see right through that.

Previously reading the LOR tenet “lean in”, I heard it as “lean into the difficult emotions”, “lean in to the discomfort when others are helping you to dig deep”, “lean in to understanding myself as an oppressor and to understanding the system that benefits me while harming others” instead of avoiding all those things.

[Rhonda Freeman]

I remember reading ‘Lean In’. I remember rolling my eyes. As a woman engineer who graduated in the mid-80’s, it has been drilled into me that the the best, the only, way to succeed is to be more like a man – but isn’t that what we have been saying all along to people of color. Well, if you were white, everything would be ok. Oh, you’re not white? Then, act white, that will at least help some. Code switch. Wear clothes that we white people feel comfortable with you wearing – until we start wearing clothes, or listening to music, that you designed or created then you can wear it because we said it was ‘ok’.

[Author]

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