[Lace Watkins]

https://laceonrace.com/2021/05/25/remembrance-and-george-floyd-introduction-to-the-series/

Remembrance and George Floyd: Introduction To The Series

Discussion

[Vicki van den Eikhof]

Cross-posted from FB: Thinking that somehow the work would ever be finished was my first mistake. It’s easier for me to operate under the assumption that the work will never be finished. That way I can pace myself better, gear up for the difficulties that are surely ahead, and savor the small victories, not just the big ones.

But it is easier still to operate under the assumption that there is no work to do-despite the pile of dirty dishes, and laundry that needs folding. This reminds me of Marlises’s post (“You Can’t Know Me Here”). The sad fact is that George Floyd was not the last. Yes-I am relieved that in one case, there was a kind of justice, but the collective sigh of my Black and Brown bothers and sisters tells me that there is more work to do. I’m looking forward to the series. I can pretend not to see the work, or I can participate in it and make new, deep, and rewarding relationships while I work shoulder to shoulder to build the world I want to live in.

[Christin Spoolstra]

I agree about the paradigm shift of understanding that the work will be unending. When I think there’s a finish line, I start looking for that “enough” level of work. Operating without a finish line allows me to divorce myself from outcomes and do the work because the work is the right thing to do and because it is who I say I want to be.

[Kelsi Watters]

Vicki, “working shou’der to shoulder to elp build the world I wat to live in”. That re resonated with me. Too often, I think in an individual context rather than the collective, which is, of coure, a characteristic of white supremacy. I ask myself, what is my part, how can I make a difference? When thinking in individual context it’s easier to get overwhelmed and to not do the real work which is viewing my role in the collective context – How can WE work shoulder to shoulder, walk eye to eye, etc? Part of that collective work for me, is learning to be relentlessly reliable here. The work cannot be done alone; I, and we, need a community to learn from and lean into, a community who continues to renew our commitment to the Northstar. This work is not just about me – it is about lessening the harm we WP, individually and collectively, have perpetuated against our Black and brown brothers and sisters.

[Christin Spoolstra]

“As we will see as we walk together through this series, the changes were less durable than anyone thought or, more accurately, than anyone wanted to admit.”

It feels like a particular flaw of my generation (though I know it’s more universal) to flame bright and fizzle out as we move on to the next flame. To come out strong and take the first small shift as a “victory” to excuse our moving on.

Sustained action/anger/passion are vital. These white supremacist structures have been built over centuries – we need to be ready to fight and fight with relentless reliability to undo them.

I value LoR because I’m shoring up those muscles for sustained action; I’m being pushed to reliability throughout life’s distractions; We as a community are building toward that long-haul.

[Laura Berwick]

There’s a lot of truth in the Tweet-meme I see from time to time, that we’d much rather be heroes than caregivers. It feels exhilarating to fire up. It feels exhausting to trudge along. Much less dopamine involved. This community is… yes, a workout accountability haven for these muscles to impel us toward justice. And it’s more than a dopamine hit to be part of this. To know and see people who are working along side us, unobscured by the blinding dazzle of our own flaming out.

[Christin Spoolstra]

which brings us right back around to Marlise’s recent article of knowing and being known. Both are vital in the slow trudge of caregivers.

[Rebecca McClinton]

I’ve not seen that meme before, but I like it, and it has me thinking how I never hear of support groups for hero’s, but there are a lot for fatigued caregivers. Heroism is a solo act where caregiving takes a team of providers and friends/family wrapping around supporting the individual and each other, no one person can do it all alone. That translates well to this work.

[Kelsi Watters]

The slow rudge of caregivers…. Yes. comth hits home for me, not only as a chaplain, but also in doing this work. I suppose we are caregivers in a way, not in the white savior rescuing hero sense, but more because we are the ones committed to cleaning up the messes, stopping the messes, stopping harm, and (hopefully) our actions are rooted in care for our Black and brown brothers and sisters in alignment with the North Star. Also, fatigued caregivers…. I wonder what it would look like to embrace fatigue as part of the journey. When I start to let my fatigue get the best of me, I remind myself that, as Lace said, the degree to which this work is physically, emotionally, and mentally taxing for us WP, has no bearing in comparison to George Floyd and countless Black or brown people who lost their lives to police violence.

[Rebecca McClinton]

I’ve not seen that meme before, but I like it, and it has me thinking how I never hear of support groups for hero’s, but there are a lot for fatigued caregivers. Heroism is a solo act where caregiving takes a team of providers and friends/family wrapping around supporting the individual and each other, no one person can do it all alone. That translates well to this work.

[Julia Tayler]

I haven’t seen that meme either but it makes sense. Being a hero is sexy. Caretaker not so much. Being a caretaker is very unglamorous. I’ve been taking care of my mom for the past couple of months and it’s tough work.

[Kelsi Watters]

I like the point you are all making, that this work is long-term. I’ve never been very good at working out or physical exercise. My current excuse is that I’m busy, etc. But really, I feel I would need an accountability partner. I just have to remember that in this community I have many accountability partners as long as I am willing to do the work, to continue learning and holding myself accountable, and to always have a solid shoulder ready to offer when somebody else needs it. I think that is something that community teaches us to do too, to offer an open shoulder and a plac” for tired feet to rest, so that we can offer that to Black and brown people in an authentic way.

[Kelsi Watters]

Christin Spoolstra – I like the point you made here, that we tend to flame up and fizzle out. It seems like white people are like a Fourth of July firework that is big, impressive, shoots down from the sky making lots of mess and noise with pops, whistles, and bangs – and then, it fizzes out and dies and all that is left is rubble. When a Black person is murdered by the police, or when a similar act of racial violence occurs, white people get mad, make a bunch of noise and destruction, then fizzle out. like you said, we are not good at sustaining. I guess that makes me think of the role of sustainer here at LoR, constistent, reliable, relentless, sustained commitment. I have been here a year and still working toward that place.

[Christin Spoolstra]

Kelsi, I love how you brought that around to sustainers. Relentless reliability is an unending walk.

[Laura Berwick]

I want us to sprint. I want us to run this race as fast as we can. I fear that every rest, every pause to grab water, every loss of focus and stumble… it’s at the cost of life. Not ever mine. So it’s easy to be blind to it. But it’s true. I want people to agree, and to work fast to uproot and replant. And that… will not happen as long as the dominant majority benefits so much from their side of the power slash. We will be forced to move slow, because that’s how the system works. And the system is what’s in control. I want to subvert it and work outside of it. Or at least… I think I want that. I want to want that.

So… we aren’t sprinting, okay. It’s been a year. There are things still moving forward. Rolling slowly. I can’t… I can’t just sprint out ahead of them and leave them behind and do my own thing, because I’m not enough on my own. So I have to pace myself. I have to train. I have to stick with this.

I HAVE TO STICK WITH THIS.

There won’t BE a time in my life when I can quit. Because too many people have never started. And too many others are waiting to drag all the progress away as soon as they can. That’s what we do. I’m ready for these reflections. I need to stay focused and active and vocal, and I need to stay with this community, where we work together and become stronger than I am alone.

[Kelsi Watters]

Laura, I want to want that, too. I am also worried that the more we rest, the more lives will be lost. We white people are used to being the ones who can rest our “tired” feet. Now it’s time for us to do the heavy lifting, and BE that resting place for Black and brown people.

[Dee (Dalina) Weinfurtner]

I fully anticipate this will not be easy but it cannot be easy for there to be real growth. I am brand new to activism and having an identity in social and racial justice as of last summer and it has been interesting to begin my journey during a time when there was an upswing in white people’s involvement. I knew from the beginning I was in this for the long haul and that the North Star was my mission. I didn’t really estimate how this would get so much harder to stay active as the white people around me started retreating back to their comforts. I personally still have hesitation that keep me from going bigger in the racial justice journey. I am working on my slow cooking skills though and I hope to gain more skills especially with the help of LoR and I expect to become more emboldened in my daily life.

[Jen Scaggs]

I totally understand how you feel. I was also beginning last summer and I understand the hesitation to go bigger and do more when everyone else around you is pulling back. I feel like I don’t want to be that annoying person who won’t shut up about it, but I do. I also feel like I don’t want to be constantly rubbing it in the faces of my BIPOC friends about the work I’m trying to do, so I’m trying to find a balance and figure out the right way to do it. Definitely working to gain skills here and be a slow cooker, too!

[Grace Bannerman]

I hear that the verdict could give some of us (mostly white people) a false sense of security, how the US election could give some of us (mostly white people) a false sense of security. Working toward racial justice can’t be tied to a single event but to a goal, a desired end state, a North Star. At the same time, I can’t let myself diminish or dismiss the horror of one event. At the same time, that end state will likely require lifelong work.

The COVID-19 pandemic magnified so many inequities in healthcare, opportunity, surveillance and policing, making them more immediately obvious to the people like me who benefit from these inequities. When my life was impacted by the pandemic, and I was at home constantly refreshing the news, I became more engaged with racial and social issues. It also showed how possible it is to be accustomed, or desensitized, to extreme situations within a short time. As “recovery” starts to happen for some of us (first for privileged people/white people), and more opportunities and more privileges are more accessible to me, I want to make sure that my engagement is consistent and reliable I want to do more than passively support and do not want to let myself be sucked back into my privilege and upholding it with the status quo. I will look for the rest of the series this week.

[Shara Cody]

The word “recovery” has me thinking about how easy it is as white people to move on when violence and harm doesn’t really affect or threaten us. In most cases I don’t need to recover, I need to reflect, root out, ask more questions, and act. I need to remember and keep walking so that BIPOC can recover.

[Kelsi Watters]

Shara, yes, you’re right, we don’t need to recover, we need to reflect and root out. The harm and violence done to BIPOC do not affect us as much, we do not have to experience the deep wounds of hundreds of years of racial trauma. I want to continue walking with you and everyone else here so we can make space for BIPOC to recover.

[Rebecca McClinton]

<font size=”4″>If I think about how this systemic fail in durability reflects itself inside me, I consider specifically the ways I lack congruent durability between my internal world and external world that all too easily can become unauthentic harmful “canned, performative empathetic responses,” or as Lace described shutting things down before they’re hardly even cracked open. </font>

<font size=”4″>A memory that came to mind for me just now, was myself as a little girl smiling and nodding and placating the recess monitor in elementary school all the while flipping them off in my pocket, which as a pastor’s kid was especially naughty indeed. That did nothing to help me both express my own wants and needs and didn’t give her a lick of feedback or information about stuff she might be needing to work on too. It reinforced the power dynamic involved when I’m not keeping my internal thoughts congruent with my external actions. Put that in an adult body the impact for harm is so much greater. Culturally and systemically here we have done the same in response to the murder of George Floyd. I contribute to that when I don’t continue walking in the work. </font>

[Jessie Lee]

“It reinforced the power dynamic involved when I’m not keeping my internal thoughts congruent with my external actions.”

So true. I haven’t thought about misalignment between thoughts and actions as playing into power dynamic, but of course it does. Thanks for getting me thinking about this from a new angle and giving me something to look out for in my internal life.

[Kelsi Watters]

Rebecca – Yes! The misalignment I feel between my thoughts and actions, which I also like to call the gap between what I want to do and what I am actually doing, is a pain point for me right now and weighing on my conscience. I engage with this community, I engage in two other anti-racism spaces, but outside of that, what difference am I making, what durable actions am I taking to make real change? Am I walking eye to eye or just placating because I’m too afraid to confront? Am I conducting myself with a deep, heartfelt commitment, or just offering canned, performative empathetic responses? Am I truly here in spirit or just in the flesh? If I’m committed in spirit, then I am here for the long haul.

[Emily Holzknecht]

A part that is standing out to me is that the ongoing cry of injustice and horror is met with “got it.” As if the goal of the cry was just to get people to accept that murdering George Floyd was unjust and horrible. If the point is for people to accept truth, then “got it” is an appropriate response. But if the goal is to change the system, then “I understand this is unjust and horrible” is not an appropriate response. I am thinking about how the white people who started to think the point was belabored and wanted to stop talking about it may have allowed themselves to be influenced by the other white people who were calling blue lives matter more than they were allowing themselves to be influenced by the people continuing the cry for systemic change. The blue lives matter people were successful in turning the conversation into one about truth/not truth, guilty/not guilty rather than about the system. And now that Chauvin’s got the guilty verdict, it feels like an ending because of how the debate got reframed by the blue lives matter people and the other white people who bought into that reframing. I am thinking about how it is important for me to talk to other white people about lessening and mitigating harm endured by Black and brown people perpetuated by white people like me and by white supremacy and at the same time, I need to be careful to not be reactive in those conversations, letting those I am speaking with dictate what the conversation is about and where it is going.

[Jessie Lee]

“I need to be careful to not be reactive in those conversations, letting those I am speaking with dictate what the conversation is about and where it is going.”

This is good to remember. One way I act like I don’t have agency is following these unwritten rules of conversation… I’m thinking about times when internally I’ve formed a response that should’ve been said but as I was waiting for my turn, the conversation shifted and I just went in the new direction. It’s so easy (and supremacist) to let myself off the hook and act as if I had no control over how the conversation went, when that’s not true at all.

[Christin Spoolstra]

Also if people actually “got it” we’d be living in a very different world. If you truly understand the horror of these injustices, you move heaven and earth to change things.

[Grace Bannerman]

This makes me think of the distinction between understanding something “objectively” or logically and trying to use fictive imagination about how things feel (to the extent possible). I definitely don’t make all my decisions “logically.” I have the capacity to know something that is right to do and consistently choose not to do it – I’ve done that many times. As well as “knowing” injustice exists, I need to consider it relationally, think about how it feels to others, and move to doing something about it in a considered way. At the same time, there are things I have to do before I “feel” like doing them. Society is set up for me to feel good at the expense of others.

There’s also the matter of who I am choosing to seek out to listen to – there is a lot of racial injustice that I won’t know about in addition to cases in the international news unless I look for it and listen to it.

[Shara Cody]

There are times I want to treat situations as isolated events to avoid interrogating underlying beliefs and patterns just as the fairly quick guilty verdict in Chauvin’s trial helped avoid looking at the systemic racism involved in George Floyd’s murder. It’s still avoidance even if I’m dealing with the superficial when I know it’s not the root and that it’ll probably happen again or continue. The part about how white people became desensitized to the murder and eventually moved to feeling like it’s becoming repetitive, is how I likely would have felt if I wasn’t engaging here at LoR focusing on the North Star. I would have seen it as a horrible, violent crime that the murderer was convicted of allowing me to move on all the while keeping the attention on the murderer instead of the victim. I’m not removed from that desensitization and “got it” mentality because of my walking here. I can think of ways I do it in relationships when something happens to someone else that’s awful and wrong and I’m right there for a time but eventually I’m trying to get them to move on. Moving on is for my comfort instead of staying with them for what they need through healing and repair if possible. Learning to show up and to stay for whatever is needed is a must for reliable anti-racism work that I’ll continue working on everyday.

[Shara Cody]

I want to add that the situations where I want to move on from could also be harm I’ve caused that I want to say sorry and then not have to deal with anymore. Doing that doesn’t stay eye to eye with the person or lead to repair and keeps me from identifying my own behaviors that could cause me to repeat the harm.

[Rebecca McClinton]

“learning to show up and stay for whatever is needed,” yes. I too often go into things with my own side agenda, or where I think a person should be, immediately assuming the helper role that’s not at all helpful. Black and Brown people must so weary of that from wp. I was at a virtual LGBTQ+ training today and a thoughtful presenter pointed out how it’s people of color who have always led the charges for all the ‘ism’s…have always shown up and stayed for whatever is needed.

[Vicki van den Eikhof]

I have found myself doing this as well. Thinking, “She should be over this by now…” “Why does he keep brining this up when we’ve already talked about it?” I can’t dictate someone’s healing/grieving process. If I truly believe I am obligated to mourn with those that mourn, I have to be willing to do it on their time schedule, not mine. Until the relationship is fully healed, there will be pain there. In the context of the intergenerational trauma of slavery, there is a very large wound that has been infected for a very long time and only a sustained effort, a willingness to deal with the puss and gangrene for as long is might take, will lead to true healing.

[Megan Parmar]

It feels like most people that were shocked and horrified by Mr Floyd being murdered thought the finish line was justice for him. I don’t think many/most people dug deeper to understand that this is not a first time event or even rare event. I was lead here like so many by the ‘75 things you can do article’ not knowing the reality I would be faced with that I have white supremacy built in to my code. My default was assuming I wasn’t the problem without making any effort to understand the problem. Just because I wasn’t actively racist, didn’t mean I wasn’t doing/saying problematic things and not doing enough to fix the white supremacy built into our society. I don’t think most people got to that level. Still walking and weeding knowing there is no finish line.

[Emily Holzknecht]

I also see many people taking the path that Lace has pointed to as problematic: read, read, read. And to what end? Nothing. Just becoming a well-read racist, but not taking action or changing behavior or anything.

[Emily Holzknecht]

That used to be my go to as well. Somehow understanding everything would fix it all. Clearly that’s not the case.

[Meg Hanebutt]

I notice myself doing that too. Read, read, read until I understand enough or feel charged enough to respond or act. Nope. Time to speak and write and act. Gotta fight that urge to wait and wait and wait until the time is right.

[Christina Sonas]

Antiracism is less “75 things you can do…” and more “75 things you absolutely have to do, and every single day”. I too came here via that article. The former makes it seem easy, and optional, for white people to be antiracist. The latter brings us into antiracism as an ethical existence, and I have to say that, although its title makes it seem infinitely more difficult, to me this makes antiracism much easier, because it’s integral and it’s rooted deeply in who I am becoming, and no longer a question of choice.

[Jessie Lee]

Letting it sear me. If I am not choosing to be the balm, I am choosing to be the boot. Balm or boot boils down to one thing: choice. Anyone can choose to be balm or boot in any situation. No one controls whether I am balm or boot from one moment to the next except… me. My life is just a series of choice points, which sounds overwhelming and paralyzing until I remember that each choice isn’t what I’m going to do, but, as Lace says, who I’m going to be. Am I going to be someone who looks the other way when she sees a man’s windpipe being crushed right in front of her, or am I going to be someone who intervenes reflexively and decisively? I choose to keep walking.

[Emily Holzknecht]

I keep thinking there’s got to be more than balm and boot. Because boot causes harm and balm mitigates harm, but there must be something also to lessen harm, something to remove the boot rather than just soothe the pain from a boot that cannot be stopped.

[Christina Sonas]

The boot is like me — capable of destruction or of creation. How will I use myself in this world? How will I use my boot?

[Christina Sonas]

Chauvin is convicted for crossing the line of *how* these murders of Black people are to be done — for offending our whiteness with his lack of the plausible deniability that lets us masquerade as human beings. My own box of horrors was thrown wide open, and I mean to keep it that way, using my boot to jam the hinge. Because my own immediate reaction was about the knee, and not about the neck. The neck and the rest of Mr. Floyd, the rest of Black communities and Black history and Black present, they all came right behind; but in my whiteness, I saw the inhumanity of the knee first, and not the humanity of Mr. Floyd.

[Jen Scaggs]

Wow, yes! “for offending our whiteness with his lack of the plausible deniability that lets us masquerade as human beings.”

Unfortunately that also gives us a reason to not be horrified all the times that Black people are unjustly killed by police.

[Julia Tayler]

Yes! We wp have become so desensitized to violence. Just wait there will be another mass shooting. Just wait there will be another police shooting. “My own box of horrors was thrown wide open” – me too. I hate to admit – I saw the knee first too.

[Jen Scaggs]

I can definitely see how many white people are feeling like the point has been made and are ready to stop talking about it and stop hearing about it. And it’s easy to get desensitized to something that keeps happening over and over. But we cannot. We must keep walking. This is not something that we can fix quickly and be done with. It is an ongoing process. We must be the balm.

[Julia Tayler]

I feel like wp move on from violence at a very quick pace. We want to make a decision – who’s right – who’s wrong and move on. To the next bit of gun violence or the next mass shooting. Lace mentioned – when I first found Lace on Race – that wp give up too easy. We are tired. We are busy. We have a lot of excuses. We just aren’t in it for the long haul. We want to throw some attention at it and have it go away. I believed that I could read some books and be a better person and move on. Like someone else mentioned this is not a put some time in and your done situation. I have to keep walking and keep my eyes on the North Star.

[Kelsi Watters]

One part that really stuck out to me – feebly clucking out canned, performative, empathetic responses. I’m not sure is that’s worse, performative empathy or making a big, performative firework show and then fading out. A pain point for me lately, has been the misalignment between my thoughts and actions which others have mentioned, which I also like to call the gap between what I want to do and what I’m actually doing. I find myself questioning, Am I committed to this work in a durable way? Where are some places where my empathy might be performative? Where might I just be placating because I’m afraid to confront? What are some more durable ways that I can put my boots on the ground (in more balanced ways), boots that always consider first the humanity of Black and brown people? Though I often feel I am frustratingly slow, I am committed to finding ways to lessen that gap. I do expect to feel a sense of fatigue, some emotional burdens on my conscience, if this work is to be marrow deep. But marrow deep means the emotional unrest, the sense of fatigue (which pales in comparison to BIPOC), the urgency for change and preparing my leg muscles to keep walking, should be ever-present. It should not be a firework but rather a steady fire which spreads and purifies things and sustains itself; a plant that keeps growing wildly and freely, against the grain, defying the structure and order of things, while providing space for other trees who have been deprived of fresh, healthy air and room to grow. Sustained commitment, to the bone marrow, to the spirit. Walking shoulder to shoulder, eye to eye, with durability. That is what I am working on to renew my commitment to the North Star.

[Rhonda Freeman]

This, Kelsi. I have the image of the boots themselves getting heavy and continuing to trudge to walk to not give up to look around and not down at the ground – knowing that it ultimately does not matter that some days I have more energy than other days, each day I must look for ways to mitigate the harm that I do to brown and black people.

[Author]

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