[Lace Watkins]

https://laceonrace.com/2021/06/04/policing-post-floyd/

 

Policing Post Floyd

Discussion

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

There are at least two ways to undermine and not-so-low-key sabotage the work we are doing and the community we are building here, both of which we see daily.

One is to refuse to accept and respect the guidelines in this space. That includes emojis, yes, but it absolutely also involves refusing to engage with pinned posts, reacting with one word or a stock phrase as opposed to a thought out comment, feeling entitled to attention to your needs and resistances as holding primacy to the work this space was created to do, as happens every time we request tangible engagement or reading required material, and yes, making the erroneous and somewhat insulting assumptions that I and the team are not well versed in what we are doing here, whether in administering this space, the content that we present, or our approach and method.

The second is what we have seen in multiple subthreads these last few days, and also in private messaging, where there is either overt or covert moves to leave a space that was opted into. That is a different kind of undermining, but no less harmful. There is no lock on the door, no exit interview. If this space is not for you, so be it.

But be honest with yourself. A five second scan of your internal state will tell you if you have the capacity, willingness, and agency to do this work.

Putting hours into what is almost inevitable is detrimental. To everyone. To our staff, who work tirelessly, and whose enhanced engagement could be focused elsewhere, to the community, who has to wait for content, and is deprived of enhanced engagement that would actually be productive and conducive to the health and growth of themselves and of their overall praxis, of the viability of this community, to me, who, as an actual, flesh and blood person, has to expend still more emotional energy to a losing proposition, and, most importantly, and what so frequently gets lost here *to the communities that we impact and serve outside these walls, not least including the very people of color you are here to learn to stand with better than you do now*.

Read it again. Now, Again.

You are not here *for you*, or not only for you.

That gets so forgotten.

You need to have this top of mind when you enter this space. Or you will almost certainly indulge in the very maladaptive and violent behaviors you are here to overcome. This is part and parcel of confronting white supremacy, and you don’t need a hood and a flaming cross to do so. We see it on the daily with this very cohort, who are, ostensibly, dedicated to eradicating it.

It hurts in this way as well. Those who have indeed bought in to the ethos and method of this community, who are truly making bold, resilient, reliable and and relentless resolved moves to do better, are held back while we deal with issues that should have been settled long ago, and that we confront daily. It means we move slower than we should; and, because this work is cumulative, that there are some material which requires relational fitness and competency cannot be presented. It means that those who need help, not because of funky behavior, but because they genuinely struggle with what is no doubt challenging material are shortchanged.

I love engaging with you all. There is nothing I love more than pouring a glass of something, settling down with Tikka Rose snoring in the background, and really digging in. I have, and will continue to, spent hours with one person, digging deeply, rejoicing with them when authentic progress is made, however long that takes.

I have faith that each and every one of you has at least the beginnings, the stirrings, of moving in mighty ways. Assisting you in getting there is one of my great joys. Spending most of my time policing and cajoling is not.

Here is something that the flouncers and the emoji lovers don’t consider: that what we do is in fact considered.

If we say no emojis, that’s not for our aggrandizement, it’s for your benefit.

You say you want to move in better ways; we choose to believe you.

We know you won’t get there with a react. We see people here who have been here a year or more, making unforced errors, and flouncing at the slightest touch, and we see people who, despite their tenure are extremely reactive and resistant when told not to react and when invited to course correct. When that happens, we are sure that they have chosen, despite their time here, that they have chosen to not fully sink into community, that they hold themselves apart *and above* from the guidelines and ethos that drive and hold this space, and that they want credit for work that they have absolutely no intention of actually doing. So yes, emojis are, in the absence of a more formal way of gauging the health of the community as a whole, and of the growth of individuals within the space, an assessment of sorts. For you.

The material I present to you is important. But secondary. You can get the material anywhere. With the exception of my or my staff’s commentary, you can find everything that I find; I have no special access to the internet.

You can also find spaces that do not ask of you what we do; places where you are not expected to engage, or if you do, there is no responsive engagement and guidance from moderators; places where you are not invited and expected to contribute to the health of this community *in ways that enhance your praxis and your retention and internalization*; places where the standard of success is how many emojis are garnered (all of these points have been addressed exhaustively in posts easily found). That’s pretty much *every other social justice space out there*.

That’s why we have 4000 people to their 40,000. That’s still too many. Even the 400 or so who cycle in and out as active community members are too many. I would be happy if we went down to a tenth of what we have, if those 400 people were truly down to do the work in the way we prescribe.

Oh, wait. We did that 4 months ago, with the ‘All In’ posts, where fully 600 of you affirmed exactly that. Which did not happen. We are still beating the bushes for engagement, for support, for depth.

If the 600 of you who had committed (notice I am not mentioning the lurkers and those who clicked on the page and promptly forgot about it) actually had followed through, a lot of our issues would have been resolved. We would be at the website already, we would be orders of magnitude farther along than we are with Relational Ethics, and really ready to tackle hot button issues in a way we have not seen. We do good work here, despite all that, but can you imagine if the 600 of you who pledged to break the shackles had actually done so?

So. No more.

The behaviors that undermine the health of this community need to be stopped, and we as leaders of the community need to stop enabling bad behavior that is being modeled and is infecting the shared ethos, mission, and method of this space.

In subsequent posts today, I am going to hit on the three things that need to be changed. I will also respond to all those who have wanted to help, in ways that are either more or less actually helpful, and offer a prescription for going forward.

I fully expect an exodus.

That has to be ok.

Even here, especially here-no reacts.

Next up:
Obstacles… Part 3

[Danielle Holcombe]

I didn’t know anything about you when I first started following you other than that you posted wise content that I appreciated learning from.

I know a little more about you now because you have shared bits and pieces here and there. The more I learn, the more I am amazed at all you do. The load you carry astonishes me and yet we are afforded such quality learning materials here.

I’m thankful that before I began to truly engage here I had already had the opportunity to learn some valuable lessons about closing my mouth. Not closing my mouth in a ‘I won’t engage’ type of way, but that not everything I think or feel or struggle with needs to be verbalized. Some of it is my own discomfort to learn how to sit with and work through. I’m trying to practice that here as we walk and grow together.

[Danielle Holcombe]

I both love and struggle with the fact that you expect more from this community. I’m a decent ‘rule follower’ so have fairly easily gotten on board with no reacts, and even taken the idea of that very surface level of engagement into other spaces outside here to be more mindful of my behavior.

However, when you ask us to go deeper, I often struggle. I know this is my work to do and my job to figure it out. I’m thankful for a community so we can go deeper together. Sometimes I just feel like I can’t see what’s below the surface. Now I also question is it can’t or is it won’t? I confess, I continue to struggle with going deeper. I assume that is obvious to Lace. I assume she sees my shallow engagement. I know that contributes to her weariness and heartache here. ?

I still stay. I still work to engage on most posts. There are times I have no idea how to engage and that is where I need to do deeper work. I’m not going anywhere, but I also know that I’ve not been as fully engaged as I must be to grow well.

[Lace Watkins]

“The World Is Our Field Of Practice”–On Being with angel Kyodo Williams Have you ever thought about who you might be if you allowed yourself to let g
[See the full post at: Relational Ethics: On Being with angel Kyodo Williams]

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

We walk with parity and mutuality here; no exceptions or carveouts.

We are committed to this being a ‘free-ish’ space. This means no paywall; all are encouraged to enter and co-create community. This is a very large risk for us. It means that those for whom this space has value also have a concomitant responsibility to seriously consider and then act upon a conviction to financially engage.

We love this space. So much. And we love each footstep of our fellow walkers. We are convinced that these guidelines are in alignment with our values, and will buttress our ethos and shared commitment to the work.

Keep walking.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NFff2TpriS93dwauWR9L9T7j_lTG7K_KftMaCh7emEE/edit

https://youtu.be/TpeEzwXvRNo

Be sure to also engage in the
Community Onboarding Forum

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*Lastly, we consider financial engagement crucial, both for the health and sustainability of this space, but for your personal practice as well. Honoring the work of women of color, both of me and of the contributors we bring to you–as well as taking this ethic to other women of color who also write and agitate, means making this commitment a non-negotiable part of your walk.

It means ensuring the viability of this space, as well as for the community partners we support–and it encourages your congruence regarding this practice in your outside lives as well. As well, we are different regarding financial engagement in this regard: we overtly ask and expect all who walk here to engage, *regardless of how they identify racially and or ethnically*.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16VAsahefMOI48t89lROMnJtXyy9VboeASFmBEFP1Xv4/edit

https://youtu.be/z9nmToaLqHg

Next up:
Guidelines Wrap-up

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*We hope we never have to use this guideline. We know that, when confronting difficult topics, one can get activated, and conflict can arise with community members. This is exactly the time to put the skills you are learning to good use. If you need to, admin staff and/or our leadership team will walk with you. This community hinges on cohesion and unity; we are walking together. What is imperative is the commitment to hang in. It is crucial to the community that you are and remain a resilient and reliable presence in the community, and it is also important to your own individual and personal praxis. One thing that we are learning here is that learning how to internalize and apply Relational Ethics principles are important both to this space as well as to your outside lives. They must be practiced. We have rarely blocked community members, though we do reserve the right to do so for the safety of the community and the health of this space.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wQf6zX1Q2VqQcm0X9BTmvzOFjP2_uvkXTLYA60jn5fg/edit

https://youtu.be/tyaRupdXl5c

Next up:
Guideline 19 – Financial Engagement is Crucial

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*As much as possible, we do our work in public. Toward that end we kindly discourage PM’s that attempt to ‘take it outside’ and do an ancillary discussion. We have found this to often be an attempt to avoid accountability. Moreover, it damages community cohesion. We should all know the same thing in the same amount at the same time. When we do get PM’s that query or comment, and the admins feel that it is more appropriate on the OP, we will request that you restate your comment or query there. As well, we ask that you keep side conversations to a absolute minimum. We know it is a real temptation when you have friends you either know from other places, or friends you have made here, and that’s great! But having parallel conversations on posts deprives the rest of the community.

As well, we have found that people often use the private message feature to, essentially, glean a consult from either Lace or Admin team. If we feel that this is the case, we will make the covert overt and confront it kindly and squarely with the requestor. This is part of Lace’s liberation as a Black woman. It is also a regression from our ethos to treat everyone in this space fairly and eye to eye.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Gv1UHr2W3w-v6IgVVx_QYsIzL1M_rRQB0a9PG3BhVZs/edit

https://youtu.be/ShYWivSkRXk

Next up:
Guideline 18 – How to Handle Conflict

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*No shaming, no humiliation. This is not tone policing. This is about making a space you and your fellow community members (including Lace herself) are not just willing, but eager to come to and engage with. We can talk about anything, but not any old way. Remember who you are talking to–fellow walkers who deserve your absolute best.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DX5nREH7IGCuboIPUG5RWKMXGhyhaIOvhA3RrM9zF1o/edit

https://youtu.be/kCakxVRTy7s

Next up:
Guideline 17 – We Do Our Work in Public

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*No deleting. As much as we can, we try to make this space as much like a conversation as possible. That means owning your words much like you would if you were speaking them out loud. As well, no material editing that would change the meaning or intention of your posts. Editing for spelling, grammar or style is fine. If you find you want to make a correction, you can amend under the post or inside the post with a clear disclosure. The original words still stand. As well, deleting is a violent erasing of other’s words in entire subthreads. We assume that if you have the capacity, volition, and agency to offer commentary or responses in the first place, then you will remember those virtues as you learn, more and more, to take responsibility for your words.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zMaTG20fS5DIXoEk08JJYQEuRKkMBJ1TDKSftU0RKyY/edit

https://youtu.be/8_pMZF1bur0

Next up:
Guideline 16 – No Shaming or Humiliation

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*We are extremely careful about the materials we present to you, and outside resources are assumed to have been vetted by us. Therefore, sharing any resources (by link, meme or by recommending certain reading) in the public community space is prohibited. We do recognize that there are a lot of good resources out there and we too are reading some of the same authors and articles that you all are reading. This is not to say that we reject all outside resources, but we do require that any resources you wish to present be shared with the admin team via messenger.

IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE AN EXCELLENT RESOURCE THAT MUST BE SHARED, TRY SITTING WITH IT FOR 6-9 MONTHS BEFORE YOU MESSAGE US. That may sound like a long time, but many of us walk into this space thinking we already know so much and have so much to offer; and you have. However, the great majority of what is offered are resources we feel are not in alignment with the LoR mission or ethos. That discernment–is it right for the space that we are curating here?–can only be discerned by those who have been here for awhile and have internalized said ethos and mission.

After you’ve walked here for 6-9 months, see if you still think that resource is necessary. A lot of times you will find that particular piece spoke to you at the place you were at in your life, but it is not quite so earth shattering anymore as you have grown. The admin team wishes to be available via messenger as necessary and in particular, to intervene if this space is being made un-safe. But the LoR messenger inbox is regularly overflowing with recommended resources which can detract from other necessary work.

As well, we deeply care about pacing and timing; some resources are indeed good, but we as a group are not ready for them yet. (Strong hint: if everyone read and engaged with the pinned posts, particularly the Relational Ethics series, we would be ready that much faster.)

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mSz6WqBgJxVYQV4-gjdTkAxiJzIQP-NAZU6clU_75rc/edit

https://youtu.be/0jYV3eiELzE

Next up:
Guideline 15 – No Material Edits or Deletes

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*We call this space a ‘safe-ish’ space for a reason. We deal daily with topics that are activating and challenging. It is your responsibility to be able to hold on to yourself, to hold your own hand, so that you can co-create this safe-ish space with your fellow walkers. Our topics are not always safe or easy; it is imperative that each of us is as safe for each other as possible, as Pádraig Ó Tuama says, to ‘be a place where [our] feet can stand’. That means being here, seen and available, and reliable. This means holding fictive imagination for each other. That means reminding just who it is you are talking to. This means remembering Hesed.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bSNedYXAxQ7tnuaklmH6UF0hTcldobRReWmp2d8UHAY/edit

https://youtu.be/wGncYc-eB34

Next up:
Guideline 14 – Outside Materials

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*Practice Kind Candor. For the purposes of this space, that includes no snark or sarcasm, no punching down.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UWoz4n5hY28mwMHkWxGGd5y1I3ODLOhWkNiL5EG5VK4/edit#

https://youtu.be/5lQIV8GGu40

Next up:
Guideline 13 – Safe-ish Space

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*People have wondered what is required reading. The shortest answer is that all of what we present to you is required reading, most particularly pinned posts and the website. We take time and great intention to curate for you the best of what we find. Your way of honoring our efforts is to read with and engage with rigor. We do notice that when we say ‘Required Reading’ on the top of the post, we get greater engagement; still, it is less than 10% of those who actually see the post. That may be ok in other spaces, but here we are New People Doing New Things In New Ways. This includes how we consider our involvement and commitment to this space and with each other. Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iscmwhxWP_YW6ux6nCkro-3nS8Dl8422_rTBfYvXAAo/edit

https://youtu.be/kxiWbhO0n1g

Next up:
Guideline 12 – Practice Kind Candor

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*Read the pinned posts on the Facebook page, facebook.com/laceonrace, and also the posts on the laceonrace. com website. Circle back often; they are added to frequently. There is some overlap between the Page and the website, but there are some real differences. Check both.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c7fqL109MKs_TAACyk5gOkIif8RymlDXhHDulOHpTl4/edit

https://youtu.be/6RRV0MjR17c

Next up:
Guideline 11 – What Is Required Reading?

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*No blocking of Lace on Race staff, or of community members. Ever.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I98ZD5ffpGDqAoxmNWVjHAuon9J5xQRBcG7tIJ-nmRI/edit

https://youtu.be/mwveXp0xiqw

Next up:
Guideline 10 – Read the Pinned Posts

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
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• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*Here we make the covert overt. If you are asked a question, focus on answering the overt question you were asked directly and simply, rather than responding to it as a covert general challenge, or by answering the question you expect or hope to be asked. This is especially important if the person asking is Lace. This is part of seeing her, a Black woman and our guide on this walk, eye-to-eye. We strive to be “round and flat” in structure, with no one aggrandized or preeminent over another, but Lace is an expert in relational ethics and racial equity, and following Black women is an important part of our praxis.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Uzq7iFn1oxi9dzzqHwmX2TvtWWvtDOgelxTMtaP5CVQ/edit#

https://youtu.be/8cDAzMeQhqk

Next up:
Guideline 9 – No Blocking

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*Engage with other community members, not just Lace or the Admin team (Marlise, Laura, Danielle, and Holly). As important: Engage with those who engage with you. It is damaging to community, and just plain rude, when we ignore each other. We do our best to operate like we’re actually together in my living room or front porch. It’s important to feel connected; engagement with others is the best way to try to create that.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z8MSBBiDXjnWcGWEtz3FZQ7kwO_juR1g5U4xn4yzHP0/edit#

https://youtu.be/oOsrDGV-JIw

Next up:
Guideline 8 – Answer the Question You Are Asked

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*Because this is indeed a novel space, where you are challenged to interact with both material and your fellow walkers in ways you may not ever have before, we ask that you give yourself the commitment to be here for a period of time, reading, engaging, fully acclimating yourself to the space, and engaging with intent. Merely lurking or spectating is not enough. One of the challenges we have faced here is what we call churn, with people coming in and out. One of the skills you will be building here is how to become a relentlessly resilient and reliable person; this will bode well for you here as well as outside of this space. We are only as faithful and safe as the whole community commits to being.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1heTCGBqwXxGRt9y-4hgQUOs7SGSrq1lYXkXKdoTJPQM/edit?fbclid=IwAR36iGtPQuHypGnkXTHSPv6ULpxdJWnEyTVwWkVg-uZpyTRvVUnnBjiE_lI

https://youtu.be/vO7qe-7PLC8

Next up:
Guideline 7 – Engage with Other Community Members

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*Thoughtful posts. They don’t have to be dissertations; a paragraph is fine. But try to stay on topic, and if you have a general observation, pivot to race as quickly as you can. And you always can. Our strong expectation is that you will post your own reflections on the material provided, and that you will also reply to the comments of at least two others. This is what we refer to as our “New Norms,” and we have seen a remarkable deepening of the quality of engagement and community here since implementing them. They really do make a significant difference to your growth in this space, and your reflexive ability to lessen and mitigate the harm you can cause.

Transcription:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T2ESi5QYcERp-K6ZaN2dFVhkj224Q9UrCWgNSYlaNmk/edit

https://youtu.be/J26BTj063IY

Next up:
Guideline 6 – Lurking and Spectating Is Not Enough

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*If there is no new material posted up by me or by the Admins, that does not mean that there is nothing to gain. We can say this with confidence: very few of you have actually read through and, crucially, *commented on* every pinned post and website article. And even if you have, it is always profitable for you to revisit them. You will encounter them in a new way. And there will probably be new comments for you to engage with.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vCQkLmBTgTKrwhOsWZCGjGCR-MEMG1_uOej_4ysk-HU/edit

https://youtu.be/uD5v7HbaBCs

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vfeHhjdTjPfKhuoZnsIiUIELntdILW1IjL66hCjN5GA/edit

https://youtu.be/51PcJ2aBGjc

Next up:
Guideline 5 – Thoughtful Posts

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward.

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

*We have said this before many times. Facebook actively suppresses us; you will find only a fraction of what is here if you depend upon Facebook to include us in your feed. This means, as in everything in Lace on Race, it is on you to make coming here and engaging with the material and with your fellow walkers, an intentional, reliable practice. Like everything in racial justice work, it will not just happen for you. And Facebook aside, there will be no automatic prompt for you to visit and engage with the website.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBz9V0KcJ8tstcwe-kTnIker_7PCaU0k_kY8AeZnnwM/edit

https://youtu.be/OB3fw6ZHGQQ

Next up:
Guideline 4 – No New Material?

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward.

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

No reacts to posts. Ever. Reacts are the “Like”, “Heart”, “Haha” icons Facebook gives you to react to a post with a single click. This is not a space for scrolling and rolling, with a click here and there. You are expected to engage more deeply on the posted material. Reacting to the replies of fellow walkers is acceptable as encouragement, as we walk together, but does not take the place of your own reflective engagement.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wIkQxCkftO0F5r-_lCumf7Snx7glCZZLjCWRfaX0jw0/edit

Next up:
Guideline 3 – Facebook Actively Suppresses Us

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christin Spoolstra.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christin Spoolstra.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

We are not an entertainment space. While we hope we are engaging and a pleasant place to be, as well as informative and instructional, we are not here for amusement or as a distraction. We take this work seriously, and we assume that, if you are here, that you take the work as seriously as we do. Toward that end, we ask that you spend enough time here to actually get something from it, and that you not limit yourself to what you find easy. That means different things to different people. How much time spent is an individual choice, but we will say that the more you are here, the more benefit you will receive. Scrolling and rolling is not going to get you to where you say you want to be.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cFpB80mUKAbTCoUR5Hi-5YArJL5foQxoEG2gy2rDRAU/edit

Next up:
Guideline 2 – No Reacts to Posts. Ever.

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christin Spoolstra.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christin Spoolstra.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christin Spoolstra.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christin Spoolstra.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christin Spoolstra.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward. Reason: added link to transcript
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

The mission or North Star of Lace on Race is to lessen and mitigate the harm endured by Black and Brown people, perpetuated by white people.

For a long time, we have resisted formal guidelines for Lace on Race, the assumption being that people would enter this space, and the ethos and mission would be clear and compelling enough to make a list of rules unnecessary. For the most part, this has been true.

However, since we are picking up new people every month, in ever greater numbers, we felt it would be wise to be a bit more explicit about expectations and how we operate in here, which is indeed different from other spaces you may have encountered. We have thought and discussed these guidelines, and we truly feel that these new ways of being, codified here, will be beneficial. We appreciate you all, and are so honored and grateful you walk with us. This is just another way of showing that very thing.

Transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1buOvU8zvEtrZMsV_1c53vb02bBZhpjPI7rk6m09KZDs/edit

https://youtu.be/RnPflHPuN1I
Next up:
Guideline 1 – We Are Not an Entertainment Space

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Laura Berwick.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Danielle Holcombe.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Christina Sonas.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Clare Steward.

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Call it Coffee with Marlise. Call it the Ask. All I know is that I need to have a hard conversation and reflection with you all.

The Ask has always been a challenging thing to do. The Ask began because the community did not support Lace in Race for over a year without the push to do so. So, almost a year ago, the asks began.

Our team here at LoR has rotated through writing and presenting these asks to the community. I have been thinking over the increasing silence with each one. For awhile, I thought maybe presentation would help shift interactions. I at least hoped that was partly to blame.

So, I thought of apt metaphors of growth, communal work, harvest. I changed where the link was located in case Facebook had a hand in the drop. Meanwhile, I watched the “easy” posts get 60+ responses within minutes.

And the Ask just sat.

I watched Lace put in hours of her time, miles of landscape in her heart for the community here. I read her requests, her frustrations, and, looming ever more, her preparing for a coming end. Yet, if Lace on Race ended tomorrow, many would wonder why.

The Ask shouldn’t have to contain cajoling or coaxing to get support. Honesty shouldn’t feel like pleading. Yet, here is Lace pouring out her every minute to believe we can grow something amazing here, and still the Asks feel like grasping at straws.

By now, those who have been in this space shouldn’t need an Ask every week. Sustainers shouldn’t have to be reminded of the commitment that they freely made. The beginning of every month, and throughout the month, dealing with the stress of wondering whether or not people will respond is excruciating. Every ask feels like a referendum, and it is always in stark contrast to all the likes and hearts and all the recommendations and all the flowery words scattered throughout comments.

There is a bit of a catch-22. Without sustainability, there simply isn’t enough hours or admin to give this community more. Yet, it feels as though we have to give more to encourage sustainability. We have released one newsletter to Sustainers. Those that took the time to read it were excited about the content and coming changes. Still, that content involved significant time and coordination, which was not available during some serious lumpy crossings in the community.

Sustainability means we endure. The community here at Lace on Race has shifted through being present so often that it feels like a new space every few months. For those that have indeed endured, we are ever thankful. We have watched with joy as you have dug deeper and grappled with the personal.

We have talked about money a few different ways but ultimately, they have all fallen flat. Donations, funding, contributions, payment. Each word has different assumptions and application in a capitalist system. What is the application in communal growth?

There is a level of divestment. A payment for labor. Even an investment into healthy support. There are some amazing signs of growth in this space. Signs of hope and beauty. For us, we feel that shows that communal accountability, relational ethics, and personal agency works. The process works.

What it boils down to is, how much are you willing to sacrifice for sustainable, healthy community?

I fear we view supporting this space the same way we often view food pantries, donations, and soup kitchens. We want to retain our choice of what to give, and we often give from our excess or our throw away. Never from our treasured. Never from our most intimate. Never with choice of the receiver. How are we continuing that mentality in spaces where black women lead?

in January we will hit the two-year mark of Lace on Race. We have never been able to count on financial engagement despite having a community that has never seen negative growth even one month in those two years. We have always gained in followers and likes of the page. We are almost double what we were a year ago and that doesn’t matter. This is not a question of the work given here (and it is given rather than paid for). It is solid. This is supremacy in action. And it follows a familiar and devastating trope. That what black people produce is important but the person who produces it is not.

I am going to wax dangerously religious and say “where our treasure lies, there our heart lies also.”

We all seem to rush with “hearts breaking,” ears “listening,” words flowing. Yet, we continue to pivot away from where we are storing our treasure. Our time. Our energy. Our full attention. Our money.

Where does our heart truly lie?

In a less religious way, as Lace says, racism is ultimately an economic construct.

If we are not at the point where sustainers are willing to keep their commitments, and enough people are not willing to keep the community sustainable, than you have voted with your feet, or rather your purse strings.

I would say that I am being too blunt, but I have watched several of us name this dynamic in various comments. We straight up admit it. So, the time has come to be straight in a way that Lace cannot without being accused of every behavior under the sun.

From now on, the Ask will be straightforward and simple. No more 2,000 word essays.

Support Lace on Race: paypal.me/laceonrace

Be sure to also engage with the
Relational Ethics Forum

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

***REQUIRED READING***

***COMMENTS ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED***

***ALL NEW NORMS APPLY***

***DO I REALLY HAVE TO SAY NO REACTS??***

Ok, yall. We have been percolating a number of surprises for you all; time that took us away a bit, but for very good result.

We need to wait for some things to firm up before we go live with it, but for now, this!

Aja Romano, the interviewer, got me, and crucially for our community, truly got our ethos and method. This will now be required reading, along the the Guidelines. There is a lot to chew on here; and I will also be dropping the unedited version (not a lot of difference, actually, but some additional nuance) as soon as I can transcribe it.

This is us, y’all. So proud of all of you walkers. So very proud.

So, your tasks, Beloved Community is pull out one or more threads and comment on them! I want to be an absolutely robust conversation!

With Love,

Your Lace

#BlackoutTuesday derailed #BlackLivesMatter. A community organizer explains how to do better.

Next up:
Why the Ask?

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Leaving for conference in a bit, but wanted to get this down so I can have more mental bandwidth for my day:

Yesterday was…instructive.

I am going to note something that has occurred to me more than once since we have been walking together in community, but that was in sharp relief in interactions yesterday, from the insistence on react emojis, despite not one, but two posts addressing it, to people assuming I didn’t know how Facebook works, the relatively small number of community members who have actually engaged with the Relational Ethics work, and on and on.

I can’t help but think that, at base, people don’t really think I have a base level of competency. Before you react to that, I want you to really think about what I just said.

It shows up in what I stated above, but in other ways as well.

I want to be clear. I am not looking for anyone to swallow anything that I say–any of my assertions, commentaries, or analyses–nor do I want fawning, unquestioning compliance to my methods or requirements. All of this is up for discussion.

But I can’t help but wonder if something deeper is going on.

So, while I am away from my keyboard for an extended period of time (I will be monitoring during breaks, but only lightly), I have a tough query for all of you.

Do you think I know what I am doing? Do you trust my knowledge of the subject material? Do you feel that my structure for this space is intentional or ad hoc? Do you trust in my timing and pacing of material? Do you believe in my core premises? Crucially, do you trust my character and intention?

In short, do you trust me enough to walk with me in durable, authentic, reliable, resilient ways?

I don’t want you to answer quickly–though I emphatically do want you to answer. Nor do I want you to take my feelings into account. I want candor, kind or otherwise.

But how these queries are answered are good indicators and predictors of how we walk together, how we learn together, and what you all glean, both on an individual and on a collective level.

I dearly hope this day will be one of deep reflection on the queries above, and how you plan to relate to me and to this community going forward. This is crucial work as we move, ever so slowly (more slowly than we should have to, frankly) into even more deep and more challenging work than we have yet done.

Have a good, meaningful, reflective, introspective day.

See you on the flip.

Your Lace

This should go without saying, but, given the plethora of reacts yesterday, I will state it plainly. No hearts or likes. Comments only.

Next up:
Doing the Work with Resolve, Resilience, and Relentless Reliability

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Most of the posts that we present to you here at Lace on Race will elicit strong reaction.

Either strong agreement, or dismay, or anger.

Stipulated.

Having an entire comment thread of ‘that’s terrible!’ or ‘I agree’, or ‘yuck’ or ‘that’s awful’, or even ‘yes!’ is great.

For you.

One of the things here at Lace on Race that we need to keep in mind as part of our ethos is that we are not here only for ourselves.

We are here to dig deeper, and we are here to enhance understanding both for ourselves *and for our fellow community members*. Glib, easy responses thwart that.

For that reason, we ask that posts be thoughtful and mindful and complete.

If you have a strong yes, say why.

If you have a strong negative reaction say why.

And after you do that, dig deeper still and look at the underlying issues that elicit the response.

As an example, when we engage with a post that talks about inequity, we’re not just looking at that particular inequity. We’re looking at pattern and history.

We’re looking at how the current system either inhibits equity or actively exacerbates inequity.

We’re looking at why this visceral reaction is there for us, either for good or ill, and we’re looking at how it informs our Praxis on the outside.

How has viewing this post, and or reading the material, changed you?

How will it drive how you live out your commitment to racial justice in your offline life?

It is not necessary to write an entire soliloquy.

A paragraph is fine.

But just saying yes or no or awful or yay is much like hitting the react Emoji.

You get your dopamine hit, but you don’t get deeper understanding.

And that’s what we’re going for here in this space, both for ourselves and for our fellow walkers.

We know that we are asking different things of you then you see or have experienced in other online spaces.

That is by very conscious design.

That is part of being New People doing New Things in New Ways.

One of the new ways that we are encouraging you to participate in is deeply wrestling with the material presented to you.

Some people have said that they don’t comment or that they don’t comment in a deeper way because what they wanted to say has already been said.

Perhaps.

But your restating it in your own words reinforces it in your own mind, and the way you stated it may well resonate for a fellow community member in ways other comments that are similar might not have.

So commenting is part of our communal ethos, and it is also a way to trick your brain into internalizing the material, and retaining it.

Please mark ‘agree’ to indicate affirmation. Feel free to add any other comments as well.

No reacts.

Next up:
The Face of Lace: A Personal Reflection

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

For you new folks, and as a reminder for the rest, Lace on Race absolutely prohibits react emojis; likes and hearts and such.

At any time, for any reason.

We value dialog, and thoughtful responses.

There are a number of posts and comments embedded in other easily found posts that speak specifically to the comments only guideline, as well as the rationale behind it. I won’t repeat it here.

Please respect our group ethos.

Respond with ‘agree’. Feel free to add any other comments.

Next up:
Post #2: Quality of Posts

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Even though we are all now walking with the spirit of beginners’ minds for everyone, it is nonetheless true that some of us *have* been here longer, and have hopefully internalized the spirit and ethos of the community well enough to commit to mindfully modeling it.

This means commitments to active and reliable participation, thoughtful comments, a willingness to engage with fellow community in threads–in short, what a lot of you are currently doing anyway.

Must display an appreciation for and ability to engage with kind candor, have emotional regulation, and an ability to stay the course, and crucially, stay in the car.

In short, I am looking for new people dedicated to doing new things in New Ways, living out their new found praxis.

Newbies, and the rest of us, need to see what it can look like.

We’ll support and affirm you. This can be something that can turbo charge your walk and this community in this enhanced way.

If you feel led to this, pm us or put your name below. Edited to add–please put how long you’ve been walking with Lace on Race; how long you’ve been a part of this community. I can’t tell from thumbnails

We may be identifying some people; if we PM you don’t worry! It’s only because we honor your growth and your praxis, and we wanna shake your fruitful tree for the benefit of the Beloved Community.

Thank you for everything.

Your Lace

Next up:
Post #1 (Onboarding)

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Because of significant growth in the last month or two, particularly in this past weekend, we are going to be, in addition to the Relational Ethics entries, also crafting Onboarding posts.

While their function is to help newcomers acclimate, they will also be profitable for anyone in the space, regardless of time spent.

So in the spirit of pushing the Reset button, over 4 months ago now, we are *all* now officially newbies.

As such, all of the information and guidelines we will be sharing apply equally to everyone, regardless of tenure, how one identifies racially/ethnically, contribution level (yes, I went there), or any other thing that one could think or assume would grant an exemption.

Nothing does. We are on equal footing here. Some of us might know more; some of us might have praxis worthy of emulation; some might be just starting out; some of us have been walking together for almost 2 years now.

It doesn’t matter.

We resisted doing a list of guidelines, because we recoiled at the autocratic, top down nature of it, and because we figured the space would more or less self regulate.

We’ve been right about that for the most part. But there are still some stubborn areas that, if allowed, will stunt, inhibit, sabatoge, and derail our walking together.

Some of you may have seen the first onboarding post about react emojis. We will run it again, as the first in the series, and will this ask you to mark ‘agreed’ to indicate that you have seen and affirm this shared ethos.

You will be asked to do the same for subsequent onboarding posts, as well as for this Intro post.

Look, Beloved Community.

We’re only going deeper as we collectively walk forward. And I need each of your help to do so.

I spent most of my time these last five days, when I wasn’t in NPHH, saying ‘no reacts’ like a mantra, and then actually having to (again) defend my position.

That meant no Entry 5. That meant no weekly Ask (which we will indeed do today.) which also meant that our Individual and Org Partners didn’t get the exposure they deserve. That is so not ok. This cannot continue.

So, then. Everybody is a Newbie! Let’s walk with each other.

With the Onboarding Posts. With Relational Ethics. (It will be convicting if those who just found us this weekend actually do the work most of you have ignored. Get on the Train. Do Reational Ethics.) With tangible praxis via the Asks.

We got this. Look for the first Offical Onboarding!

Thank you, collectively, and especially individually for continuing to walk with me.

Resolutely,

Your Lace

No reacts. Comments only. Please mark ‘agree’ or similar language if you affirm the above. Other comments are of course also welcome.

Edited to add:

This is an important point to make in this entry post.

Admins see what engagement actually looks like.

Two hours in, about 500 of you have seen it; about 200 clicked through–and only 53 bothered to respond with a comment.

We need to do better.

This is not a place for passivity; not a place to scroll and roll.

If you are reading this, and commenting ‘agreed’, you are also agreeing to this exhortation to overt engagement.

Next up:
Onboarding Introduction – Part 2

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

You are going to need to do this one in chunks. There is so much here.

Content warning. There is talk of trauma. I myself have a trauma history, and was not negatively activated, but there were times when the usual hearkening back to old experiences to better understand and incorporate were especially poignant.

As well, the way Krista led the discussion re Mr. Moore’s difficult past was, as always, problematic. For me, unlike the discussion of trauma, that *was* activating. There is always something about the poverty and oppression voyeurism of some white people when they talk of the very places I came up; there is something unsavory, and added to that, she alludes to exceptionalism in her dialog with Mr. Moore; I was gratified that he did not take the bait.

I want to push this out so badly, I will add more of my reflections in the comments. I really don’t want to unduly influence you, but I *do* want you to take all that you have learned and gleaned from these last months of RE and keep them firmly in mind as you read.

Same guidelines: read the transcript; *listen to the unedited version*; note differences and omissions between the two; keep a keen eye out for dynamic and word choices between Krista and Mr. Moore, including who is working harder to stay in the car; something new–let’s talk about courage. However that plays out in the conversation.

No reacts; thoughtful and considered comments only.

Let’s go!

On Being with Krista Tippett: Darnell Moore, Self-Reflection and Social Evolution

Be sure to also engage with the
Obstacles to Growth and Community Forum

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

I have been talking about and teasing you with Terry Real for awhile now. We have shared some of his memes from his Relational Life Institute.

Terry works in the dyadic; with couples. I have long thought, and it has been a foundational piece of the Relational Ethics that we have brought to you all, that many elements of his work can be brought to bear on the work that we do here.

What is necessary though, is that we are able to sort of trick our minds with his work for the purposes of race–and it is a mindf–k indeed.

Stay with me.

Terry Real talks about shame and grandiosity. He posits, and I agree, that women come into relationships and behave within them from a position of toxic shame (we will be talking about the difference between clean shame and toxic shame as we go deeper into T. Real). That’s not new, particularly. Often in the literature talking about shame, they talk about the polar opposite with men; that they are always acting from the place of grandiosity. Terry Real, however, talks about cycles; that men cycle through toxic shame and grandiosity, sometimes inhabiting *both at the same time*. The way that shame is displayed is different for men and women, and patriarchy locks down this toxic dance.

Now let’s pivot to race. Because I want this firmly in mind as you encounter the audio below.

As you confront this in the audio, I want you to swap in *white women as men* as you consider how they relate to women of color; particularly with black women. For now, for the sake of ease, and to allow you to familiarize yourself with this and internalize it, we are going to keep the focus on the dyadic of white women/black women, because interactions with non black people of color flow from this binary; how they are treated by white women; and how non black people of color in turn treat black women.

For now, I am also leaving out men. The principle holds for them too, but we can come back to that.

So, okay, white women. Dealing with toxic shame in their relationships with men, both individually and collectively in society as a whole, have a lot stored up. Patriarchy can fill up a bucket hella fast.

Where does it go?

Here is where I come in, with my contribution to Terry’s amazing work.

It sloshes onto people of color.

White women keep the shame, but bind it and ‘manage’ it by welding grandiosity onto it, and directing and displacing it to black women. It is, like with men, something of a release valve.

That’s enough for now, to introduce you to this material. I can’t wait for your responses.

Sustainers will, as their Extra, receive the transcript of this audio, along with my commentary pivoting to race.

This is the Season of Terry. Let’s do this.

Comments only. No reacts.

Next up:
Post 8: Krista Tippett with Darnell Moore

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Here is a query:

Are you a corrective experience or are you secondary trauma?

There is a meme that has gone around more than once since I’ve been on Facebook. I’d seen it before, and I always thought it was a good touchstone for how I walked in the world. It’s this:

“Be the person you needed when you were a child.”

I love this. There’s an acknowledgement there that none of us got everything that we needed as we were coming up, and a deeper acknowledgement that some of us got very little of what we needed, and because of that, we often act out of our deficits.

A person who has not begun the process of examination and excavation of their interior life often becomes a reservoir of pain, both for themselves and for others.

Let’s remember the bucket illustration again.

The bucket is full of accumulated pain and wounds from the past that become activated, and rather than being examined and carefully held for minimum slosh, is handled recklessly with the residue spilling over unto others in the form of defenses like displacement, like projection, like denial, like minimization.

It’s that messy bucket that gives us permission to act with unbridled self-expression with no regard at the consequences for others, it’s what allows us to shut down and/or run because we haven’t developed the tools to stay and appropriately engage, it’s the weight of the bucket that encourages us to insist that others hold our bucket for us. In short, it’s that bucket that keeps us from fully growing up, and fully leaning in.

Owning and managing our buckets is our life’s work.

Owning and managing our bucket is going to mean finding the places of pain in ourselves and doing the Deep work required to learn how to hold on to our own buckets, so that we not only refrain from sloshing our residue, but also to actively committing to becoming a person who can model holding the hard things with Grace.

The saying helps us with part 1 of this task.

Becoming the person you needed will stabilize that bucket. It will also help some of the weight of the bucket to dissipate so that you can hold it more lightly, so that the bucket does not drive your perceptions and your actions and behaviors, so that you can learn how to discern when your bucket feels unstable, so you can minimize the slosh.

This is part of growing up.

There was a conversation on a sub thread in a post yesterday that talked about this very thing , and there was some confusion about responsibility and accountability.

The things that happened to us as children that have filled our buckets as adults were not our faults.

Whether are the traumas were large, or seemingly small, they have cumulatively filled our buckets, and we are not to beat up on either ourselves or others for the contents of each other’s childhood buckets.

The residue from childhood has been poured into our adult buckets, but added on to by the residue created by our often ineffective ways of dealing with our childhood residue, and it informs our present; how we walk in the world, how we speak to ourselves in our thought lives, and how we do or do not effectively relate to others.

I hold that it’s that volatile childhood residue that makes our adult buckets so unstable, so hard to hold, so quick to slosh.

The tools we have been slowly introduced to and are slowly learning have been meant as tools to stabilize and to minimize and mitigate the contents of our collective buckets.

We’ve slowly been learning emotional regulation: how to hold on to ourselves, how to deal with activations and triggers (what we here call the ‘woosh’), how to differentiate between discomfort and harm, how to stay in the car.

All these skills and more have been part of a collective reparenting process of sorts, where we learn to acquire the skills we either incompletely learned as children, or never learned it all– or only learned to apply selectively, intermittently, and unreliably.

I want to be sure, at this point, to say something very plainly. I have great compassion for each of our buckets. Every person’s bucket is entirely too large, and is too filled to the brim with residue.

I even have compassion for the adult errors, some unforced, but most often unconscious and unrealized, that we have sometimes brought to bear in our own buckets that have made carrying them harder than it has to be.

I have found that rarely is there mostly malevolence in these buckets, but rather deep deep pain and trauma that has acted out loudly rather than dealt with. I have faith that we can learn to confront our buckets individually and collectively, and our individual and collective work will be the better for it.

Terry Real and his work and theories deal with dyadic relationship, usually between intimate partners. We are going to adopt and adapt his work for here at Lace on Race.

We are going to examine his 5 losing strategies that cause so much harm and are detriments and barriers to full communion with our ourselves and with others, and then we will pivot to the five winning strategies that will help us, that will shore up our muscles, that will give us stamina and endurance for the work ahead of us.

Going back to the phrase above, it is indeed important that we learn to be the people that we needed 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago. It’s important to learn to self-soothe in appropriate ways, to practice authentic self care, to learn to walk with all deliberate speed as we carry our individual buckets well.

But that’s only level 1.

Level 2 is when we learn not only to be the people that we needed, but then to pivot and look outward and become the people that the person in front of us, that the communities that we choose to walk with and serve, need for us to be.

That’s graduate-level work.

To be able to hold on to ourselves and to be able to use our fictive imagination and curiosity to be able to be of true service and in true alignment with those who we walk with in this journey of racial justice, and the people we will either succor or harm– it’s work that few people even think about attempting. We are going to be realistically audacious as we do this work here in this space.

Each of us has within ourselves the power and the capacity to become a corrective experience for those we encounter and with whom we engage.

Each of us has the power and the capacity to dissipate just a few molecules of another person’s bucket, to make their bucket that much less lighter to hold.

But caution: We also have the capacity to be walking and talking triggers and activations for others.

Our self-soothing must never be at the expense of other people. Our self care should not be on the backs of others, ever.

As we learn to become living and breathing corrective experiences for the world , let us hold all of this in mind.

Looking forward to exploring this new path with all of you. Looking forward to growing up together so that we can grow out with the effectiveness that is required for this walk, with resilient reliability, and with deep love, faithfulness, and steadfastness at our core.

Absolutely no reacts. Comments only.

Next up:
Post 7: Terry Real

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

This is short, but powerful.

This is about ‘circling back’ to what Krista and Ruby call religion, but it can also considered to be ‘coming back to our original convictions before life and conditioning stripped them out’–whether the root of those convictions and understandings folds in what we think of as God.

The query ‘where does it hurt?’ has depth that goes to the core of the earth–if we allow it. We ask this of society; we ask this in our dyadic relationships either with individuals, with communities, and with those we choose to stand up and for–and, most crucially–with those we choose to stand *with* with reliable, resilient, robust and relentless praxis..

Not for nothing, it is worth noting the depth that can happen, and the connection with and affinity for the guest speaker, when Krista asks the questions and then refrains from inserting herself. Ruby got what Claudia did not.

Queries: Where *does* it hurt? What are the pain points that drive you toward the work? What are the pain points that keep you from full commitment? Where are the sores and boils you have found on your psyche and soul that you did not know that you had, before you began to walk with intention? How do they affect your journey? Do they galvanize you, or hold you back?

Does the pain of your sores drive you to authentic empathy for the Other? Or does it contract you into what the world calls ‘self care’, but is really more about self preservation and self indulgence?

And this: what about balm?

As always, comments only; no reacts.

On Being with Krista Tippett: Ruby Sales, The Inner Life of Social Change

Next up:
Post 6: Introduction to Terry Real

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

‘Place of Lumpy Crossings’–our new family name

How: same as last time; listen to the unedited cut; read the condensed version.

Also the same as last time: listen for how Krista meets with and the dynamic she and Padraig work under, and compare and contrast with the other two guests we have heard so far.

As well really listen to the words themselves. There is so much rich stuff to sink your teeth into; I myself had fully four pages of notes. Mix it up with me, and with your fellow community members. After we all experience this, it will only draw us closer, and take us deeper.

I truly want this place, and we people to be to each other, as Padraig puts it: ‘The Place That [We] Stand When [Our] Feet Are Sore.

Let’s dig in.

On Being with Krista Tippett: Pádraig Ó Tuama, Belonging Creates and Undoes Us

Next up:
Post 5: Krista Tippett with Ruby Sales

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Let’s talk about boundaries on two tracks.

First, on the issue of boundaries themselves, which we will delve into later on this month, though I am interested in your thoughts now.

As well, I want you to place an overlay of race when it comes to the concept of boundaries, particularly when it comes to white people interacting/engaging with people of color–most particularly white women and women of color.

Queries:

* how does privilege inform boundary setting and boundary honoring?

* how do you conceptualize boundaries?

* how do the issues of power dynamics come into play?

* are boundaries rigid or flexible?

* what about when someone sets boundaries with you?

* what is the purpose of boundaries?

* when are boundaries used in service to white supremacy?

You should be able to, if you click on the post, see the comments in the original. I encourage you to do so.

Confession: Of all the admins, i am the least savvy tech wise; i am sharing this embedded link hoping it works. if it doesn’t we’ll fix it. eta: the link didn’t work. I will tag someone more savvy than I.

QTPoC Mental Health April 13, 2019

Next up:
Post 4: Krista Tippett with Pádraig Ó Tuama

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Another audio from On Being, this time with Claudia Rankine. Again, read the transcript, but be sure to listen to the unedited version. I have found that most of the depth is in the unheard cuts.

I also want you to really listen for the *dynamic in the exchange itself* between Krista and Claudia. I don’t want to show my hand here, because i want you to really look for it, but something –some *things* actually–are happening in this interview that didn’t happen in the Alain de Botton interview. It shows up most in the transcript, actually. Locate yourself in Krista, and then I want you to do your level best to locate yourself in Claudia, and use your curiosity and your fictive imagination to, at a heart level, discern what and how Claudia felt on a visceral level even as she was engaging.

Then, I want you to listen to the interview itself; this time focusing on Claudia’s words. Her phrase, ‘How Can I Stay In This Car With You?’ contains multitudes.

We talk so much about safety. One thing that gets lost is safety not so much for the person on the dominant side of the slash, but for the person with the most to lose.

Really focus on what Claudia says about the friends she informally focus grouped. How does this play out here?

Overall, what can we glean from all of this?

Let’s roll. No hearts or likes; comments only. I am asking much. I know it. I also know you have the capacity, will, and the agency to see this through.

On Being with Krista Tippett: Claudia Rankine, How Can I Say This So We Can Stay in This Car Together?

Next up:
Post 3: Boundaries and Privilege

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

We are starting this month with an audio from the On Being radio show.

Read the transcript, but listen to the unedited version.

This is, like most of what we will be presenting this month, done with romantic dyadic (two person) relationships in mind. But I feel deeply that the principles usually reserved for couples work well in our arena as well.

de Botton is engaging and pushes the envelope of what ‘good’ relationship looks like. Embedded in the discussion you will find talk of risk and resilience.

Let’s begin this month with this under our belts.

We have done our best to consider this a cumulative month; that is, what is learned will build on new information and materials, so it’s important that you check back frequently, and also look to the pinned posts for what you might have missed.

I look forward to robust discussion. My commentary will be interspersed with yours. I am hoping for thoughtful comments, and for you all to talk to each other by way of responding to each other’s posts; that will be an expectation for the entire month and beyond. Let’s do this work together so we can walk together ever stronger.

On Being with Krista Tippett: Alain de Botton, The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships

Next up:
Post 2: Krista Tippet with Claudia Rankine

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

So, almost two weeks in, and two good conversations.

I have decided not to wait to post more; the information is too crucial to our shared walk, is cumulative, and will inform our engagement with topics and with each other. It’s too important to ignore.

Yet, most of you have indeed ignored it.

I am going to show my cards.

Yes, I know this work is hard. We have seen it in these few weeks, where people bailed, either quietly or in flaming out flounces *even in the precursor to the month* because they were unable, or more accurately, unwilling to see the work through.

Before you suck your teeth though, I need to remind you that you yourself are probably one of the ones who have chosen thus far to not engage with the work of Relational Ethics. You probably viewed, hearted or liked, or even commented upon other, easier posts.

Why is that?

We had said before that we were pushing the reset button, and hundreds of you said you were all in. Part of that is committing to engaging where we have discerned the need is greatest and the effort expended will be most profitable.

This is it, y’all.

I want to walk you through what it truly means to begin to ‘grow up’ in this work; want you to truly understand what it means to engage and wrestle with curiosity and generosity at the core; need you to have the tools you will need to get where you say you want to go.

Relational Ethics is best practice. We need to be able to do the tough internal work that will enable us to be able to tolerate feelings as we go deeper. We need to learn how to hold onto ourselves; how not to fall back into toxic tropes and behaviors; how to use self regulation and relational maturity so we neither blow up, shut down, or run away.

Because hear this: in the three years that white women have chosen to walk this path in significant numbers, here, elsewhere online, and in their offline lives, all of their maladaptive behaviors have followed them into this work–what I mean when I say ‘weaponized’–and it has caused untold harm *to the very people you say you stand and align with*.

This must stop. And if you are in this space, this is a core commitment you must internalize and adhere to.

We need to find and leverage our power. We need to really understand what love looks like in this context, and we need to be able to trust that we can stay the course, and that the people walking beside us will not fall away.

Whether or not you have been here the full 16 months, or have been here 16 days or 16 hours, you know by now that this work is not a one and done. That in order to do this work well will mean that you will need sturdy walking shoes, a staff to steady you when you feel the rocks shifting under you, nourishment for when you feel weak. You will also need what I have been attempting with all that I have to instill within you for over a year now: a durable and unshakable core of resilience, reliability, and resolve.

I know you think you already have it; and in truth, being here in this space (important caveat; for those who have truly engaged) means that you are ahead of some.

But just because you do it better than most does not at all mean that you do it well as well as you could or should. We have seen it here in this space, and it has derailed and compromised the work for us all.

And that sobering thought should remind you to not rest in complacence, nor should it lead to smug arrogance. Not in you, and not in myself. I need relational ethics in this space. Daily; sometimes hourly and minute-by-minute.

What I have seen here is that the basic skills that fuel our shared ethos of kind candor are often lacking or easily abandoned. Not just in your engagements with me, your putative leader, although certainly with me. But with each other as well. It is concerning that even in these early ‘Reset Button’ stages, that these essential and non negotiable skills have not yet been internalized in this lab, in this rehearsal space.

What is the overarching goal here at Lace on Race? For there to be less harm, less pain, less trauma in the lives of people of color. If you are here, I am assuming you agree with me. To do less harm, to yourselves, to your fellow walkers, and to the women and men you say you stand with, means that you have to learn the skills which will allow you to do that.

Choosing not to learn these skills that will bring less harm and violence is, bluntly stated, actively choosing violence, in your words, in your internal life that drives your words and actions–not only here in this space, but in other online spaces you inhabit, and in your offline lives, where you have influence and power to either perpetuate cycles of harm and violence, or where you choose to acknowledge and engage your capacity, willingness, and agency to break cycles of generational, structural, and individual violence wherever you find it–including within yourself.

And it is sobering indeed that most of you are actively choosing not to do the work that will make you, at minimum, less harmful. It truly begs the question of why you are telling yourself you want to do this work at all. Because a weaponized white person engaging in spaces, offline or off, is worse than no engagement or action at all. Yes, I said it.

I have said this before: who you are in this space is who you are. If you retreat to earlier ways of being when challenged or activated; if you lurk without engagement; if you scroll as entertainment–*that is who you are in your offline life*. This is a strong statement. I hold to it. And there is no way you can truly walk an authentic racial justice path absent these skills.

This space is not for ‘fun’ or for entertainment, although I certainly hope what we present to you is engaging and informative and not so dry or pedantic that it feels like castor oil going down.

But. The way you have chosen–let me repeat–the way *you* have chosen by being here demands different things than what you may have seen elsewhere. It demands your day by day choice to live out the commitment you agreed to–*to yourself* not to me, don’t forget–to live a life you say you want to live and to impact and influence with savvy and skill a world you want to change.

So I strongly encourage you to engage. So much so, that I am going to begin to gently remind those who reach for the easy to circle back.

If you need an accountability partner in this work, to keep you on track, to provide another set of eyes for you, to learn in real time how to apply the skills of relational ethics both here in this space, in your internal lives, and to your lives outside your respective screens, let us know. We will partner you with a kindred.

Our brains light up when we observe; it can feel like, or almost like, we are doing the work we only see others doing. But that feeling, like a dopamine hit, is fleeting. The reason I insist on authentic engagement is because that is what binds what we are learning here to your head, heart and spirit; engaging with each other is how you will learn durable love. You cannot watch community like you would a show on Netflix; neither can you learn to love without the risk of actually loving.

So I invite you to see radical engagement in this month as an act of love. And I invite you to trust me when I tell you that this will inform and turbo charge your praxis.

But only if you let it.

To borrow from my friend Chris Kratzer: Risking love is brave.

Be brave.

No hearts or likes. Comments only.

Next up:
Post 1: Krista Tippett with Alain de Botton

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[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Claire Ramsey here.

In the last week or so I’ve read the posts and comments on Lace on Race with a stomach ache of nerves and a tangle of irritation in my reader’s mind. Comments to Lace about how Facebook works shoot acid into my stomach. Explanations of what offends “me” or what I will or won’t accept (someone stepping over my boundaries, for example) make me want to slap people. My mind asks “What? This is what white women want to talk about? We are doomed.”

Lace on Race looks like two highways – The Highway of Negotiation about How to Participate in Lace on Race and The Highway of Serious Content and Engagement – and they aren’t even going in the same direction.

The first highway is clogged with traffic. It takes five hours go to 15 miles, and all the way I am praying for a bathroom. The cars and trucks haul endless self-centered bullshit about what I am offended by, what I am willing to tolerate, how I prefer to do things, so here’s a few suggestions, and here is what I know about how FB works, just FYI. I’m only trying to help. It is the essence of “I decide the rules of engagement here.” Gridlock.

The second highway is clear of traffic. If I wanted to I could speed along, many rest areas en route, sweeping inspiring views, and lots of good although very chewy and crunchy Relational Ethics 3-course meals to challenge me. No stomach acid. Instead delicious soul-satisfying challenges to engage with.

The Highway of Serious Content and Engagement is smooth running. I want to stay in the car and have riders like Claudia Rankine and Lace and Marlise and Teju Cole. Conversation. Stuff I can learn. Questions to ask. Challenging ideas for future thinking. Someone who understands my yearning for inner change and hope. Rest stops w/espresso drinks! Homemade oatmeal and raisin cookies!

The Highway of Negotiation is old and worn. I want to get out of the car. No one wants to ride with me on that road. The bridges are out. No rest areas. Junk food. We will never get where we want to go by sticking to that highway. I know that it’s not possible or practical to completely close it because most new drivers are cautious and want to go that way. All that loud self-involved negotiation. I had not realized before how much we white women depend on all that negotiation to maneuver. And how effective it is for blocking engagement, thinking, discomfort, challenges.

All of this to say that I can make a choice. Negotiate if I absolutely must negotiate, but keep it minimal. Just about anything I need to know about engaging w/Lace on Race is already posted in the pinned posts. I am not special, with special needs. Someone else already worried about it and posted about it. Or, Lace herself made a clear statement of expectations. Read that stuff first.

Then, I can find the first exit, and turn down the Highway of Serious Content and Engagement.

That’s why I am here.

Be sure to also engage with the
Encouragement, Exhortation, and the “Can’t” Forum

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

This weekend made for robust conversation, for those who engaged with Parts 1 and 2 of this series; for the majority of you who have not yet read and comment I urge *and expect* you to do so.

During this time, a lot of the responses contained what can only be considered to be pointing out various challenges and hindrances of doing the work as prescribed. We have talked about this before; there are many posts in the pinned posts which speak to this. Still it happens.

It has me thinking of two questions–

How much do you know of my own afflictions and challenges?

What are you saying to me and expecting of me when you tell me yours?

Next up:
Two Highways

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

It’s a little bit cooler here in San Diego at 3am, I have slept for a bit, and have digested and processed some bad news, so it’s my turn to slow down, moderate and modulate myself, and return to this gathering time. This will be in two parts, so as to not go over the limit.

If the people who have displayed unfortunate behavior since Marlise opened her kitchen for coffee are gone, they are gone.

Again, one thing I have decided not to do, in service to my own liberation as a black woman leading what can be a difficult space indeed is to cajole or entice white people–actually, anyone regardless of how they identify– to remain and do work that they say is important.

A story. About a decade ago, I was in relationship with a person who broke up with me. Brought me all the way across town so that they could deliver a message. Welp. I didn’t let them. I thought there was potential, and I used all of my persuasiveness to change their mind. It worked. Yay, right?

Not so much. The relationship was never the same. We never talked about what had happened for them to make the move in the first place, and no change occurred in either of us; we just played out the same patterns that ultimately doomed the relationship in the first place. In hindsight, I should have thanked them, found a nice place in North Park with a decent Red, processed the lesson, and moved on. Instead, a year was essentially wasted.

I tell you all this story because I have found myself doing the same with people here who have made murmurings or outright declarations to leave–or if not bail outright, to exit a conversation upon which their growth hinges, like it does here with the people who demanded what they felt entitled to these past few days.

I have spent hours cajoling and enticing people to remain and do the work that they themselves acknowledge that they need to do, hours that took away from the limited (I have to do my desk job, it’s what keeps Lace on Race alive; I have to sleep; I can’t always eat as well as type) hours I have to do this work. It took gobs of time from Marlise and Claire as well, processing with me in chat so as to have the best possible outcome here, and the time it took to process with you.

So, in sum, it is a net loss for me, and for the community, when we focus on the people who want to truncate their growth, refuse responsibility for said growth, and prematurely and unilaterally end a process that is unambiguously *for their benefit*.

No more.

Even here, especially here-no reacts.

Next up:
Obstacles… Part 2

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

There are fully 20 people who intentionally ignored the repeated, and pointed, requests to not use reacts. We really need to unpack what this means. Is it a sort of ‘you’re not the boss of me’ type of f-you? Is it that the repeated admonitions flew by heads?

I assume, I have to assume, that those of you in this space are serious about doing the work. But, all too often, this is not what is seen. What is seen is white primacy and supremacy in full relief.

At this point the insulting refusals to respect both me and the original poster, Hypatia Tiberius MacAllasdair in our exhortations to comment and to fully engage, are eclipsing the actual message.

Make no mistake, your wanting to do social justice work *your way* regardless of the harm you cause, and the disrespect you display are part and parcel of white supremacy.

Every time it’s done, it’s a reinforcement of a value you say, by virtue of being in this space, that you do not hold.

It is tiring. It deflects and detracts from real work being done, and it makes my job, and how I feel about doing it, harder than it needs to be.

There is a reason, one I have articulated more than once, about why i discourage hearts and likes to the point of prohibition. It’s a valid one–but even if it wasn’t, it should be honored even if there is not agreement or even full understanding of the reason why I do not want them.

Again, for those of you–including the fully half of you who insisted upon hearting and liking even after Hypatia Tiberius MacAllasdair and I explicitly asked you not to, and on the numerous other posts where comments only were requested, please honor me, our guest commentators, and the community you are a part of by fully participating and engaging with a comment.

One of the things we will be discussing tomorrow are some of my frustrations and challenges with this space. This is one of them.

And truly, I really will be disheartened and discouraged if I see hearts or likes on this post. Afford me that much.

Be sure to also engage with the
White Women and Oppression Forum

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

More on reacts!

This is part of the discipline it takes to be in this space.

And it’s not just about the react emojis themselves.

If we moved to another medium, like we’re going to be moving to the lace on Race. Com website, welp-the same discipline is going to have to apply.

This is about who we are in this space Oh, and it’s also about who we are outside as well.

Most people have not had the opportunity to be under the leadership of a black woman, and when they are under the leadership as in this case they will do familiar behaviors to sabotage and undermine that.

One reason that I am harping on this is that it is a symbol for larger behaviors, convictions, and practices.

People who are here know that this is not a 101 space, that is, they feel as though they have at least a working knowledge of what it is to be anti-racist.

These emojis show that that’s not true, and that’s not just for dominant culture- people it’s true of everyone.

In truth, the prevalence of emojis has gone down tremendously.

I want it down to zero.

Because we can make some predictors from people who use emojis.

For one they probably haven’t done the major work that this space is designed for. That is to say they probably haven’t engaged with the relational ethics series, they probably haven’t done substantial comments.

As well, and even more importantly, they haven’t really engaged with the material itself.

If you can look at a given Meme or post and then press an emoji and then scroll and roll in 5 seconds I guarantee that you are not going to remember it, and you certainly will not take anything substantial from it.

I’ve said this before, and I will repeat it. This is not an entertainment space.

The only way you will get durable benefit from the space as if you engage in the way we have prescribed.

It is hard enough to retain and to incorporate and internalize what you are presented with on Facebook.

That’s kind of part of the point. It’s by FB’s design.

Facebook doesn’t want you to be discerning or intentional about what you consume.

We are doing it differently here, and our insistence on no reacts is away does much to subvert the harmful Facebook manipulation of your mind and of your behaviors. If you allow it to *following the directive*.

This is a lab space; a rehearsal space and it’s okay to get it wrong, but one of the lessons here is that you need to continue to get it wrong *in different ways*.

Getting it wrong in the same old way says something about your Praxis and it says something about your commitment to this work and do the people you say you stand with.

That includes good old-fashioned white supremacy, and it also includes internalized racism is well for people who are not white.

Pretty much everything I do here is for a reason, including the insistence upon no reacts.

If you are doing the bulk of the prescriptions here in the space, which are engaging mindfully, refraining from the dopamine hit that is a react, putting your own skin in the game by engaging financially for the health of this community and for the health of other communities when we do individual an organizational asks, you are walking forward. And it will show up in your offline life.

One of the things that my harping on the issue also does is it makes people come up short against what it is exactly they are not willing to do in service of what they say they believe in.

This is also a big deal.

So little is asked of white people.

So to be confronted at this point on a daily basis with just how little they’re willing to do here, welp, it’s important.

They may decide if they don’t want to walk with us anymore.

That’s quite okay.

It’s hard to speak to 4000 people, even when you boil it down to the smaller number of people who regularly actively engage in the space.

I’d be happy with a fewer number with more commitment.

And perhaps if they self-select out we can move faster and with more intention.

But I’m not going to kick them out.

If we say that we will meet you where you are, but not necessarily let you stay there, we need to mean it.

And for every person who continues to do Emojis there are more people who have chosen not to because they understand the reason for the prohibition.

It’s all part of the work.

It’s all part of being less harmful in your offline life, and if we make it easier for people to comply they are not stretching themselves and using the muscles that they need.

As we say here there are two ways to make for congruence where there isn’t any, the first is to change one’s behavior, and second is to change one’s values.

They’ll keep getting confronted because I have faith that behavior will change.

Or that they leave.

Either way it’s a win for the community.

Next up:
White Supremacy and Reacts/Emojis

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Regarding continuing use of react emojis:

I really don’t know what else to say to this.

I actually did a breakout post about the prohibition about react emojis on one of most egregious posts, and after I did that post another 40 people responded with react emojis.

I really need you to respect me and my direction for how this space is administered.

Thank you.

And on a post about being the voice for the voiceless.

Ignoring my directions is silencing me and erasing my leadership.

This needs to stop. Admin please add the pinned post to this so that everyone can see it and no one has an excuse.

Next up:
More on Reacts

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Comments accepted. In fact, they are emphatically encouraged.

This post is adapted from another I authored in another group almost exactly a year ago, after my ex husband attempted suicide and that community came through for me in a mighty way. It is so important that people feel heard and seen and backed up; these women certainly did for me. I have spent the last year paying it forward, in my life—all aspects of my life; my wallet, my time, my words, my physical presence, my heart, my mission. My creating and servicing Lace on Race is part of that mission, that call, that compulsion from the universe to never stop walking in gratitude.

Respond to this post with what you have learned about yourself through the actions I will detail below, and from me in the almost two months we have been together. Say what you are willing to do with relentless reliability. Be specific.

I am *not*, repeat, NOT cookie seeking. This is not for my self-aggrandizement. This is for you, and your community here at Lace on Race, and for those outside our virtual walls, where we can be a force for good to people we will never know.

Now the post:

Hey everyone. Lace here, your servant, and the woman privileged to lead you in this space.

This is not a money post, per se. This is deeply personal, and I am speaking and asking from a place of marrow deep humility, and no small amount of real fear.

People have asked me what, if any, specific actions I would ask of you all here in this space. I have demurred, especially after the pushback two weeks in; I have since felt uncomfortable asking for anything except the privilege to serve you in this platform. I don’t want to make anyone feel bullied, or ‘shaken down’, or pressured.

That gratitude (and both the pushback and the low response when I did force myself to ask) has silenced me somewhat.

I have said to some of you that now I feel that I can no longer be challenging; that I can only be inspirational.

Welp. My being a lifesized Hallmark card serves no one. The best thanks to the now more than 1500 of you I can give lies in gentle, pointed challenge and loving confrontation.

The women and men who have contributed to the life of this space have done it so that I could continue to do the work I was called to do, both here in Lace on Race, and out in the greater world. And so I will.

We are indeed going to be talking about money, and economics in a general way; I have said often that racism and white supremacy is primarily an economic construct. But we will also talk about it, directly and candidly, even through both my and your twitching and clenching, here as it pertains to Lace on Race.

From a strictly social science perspective, this has been fascinating. I have said this before too: I am only sorry that this fundraising has my service as a direct recipient; I have felt, and to an extent, still do feel that I cannot speak to the dynamics of all of this. But I will anyway. Look forward to a post about how we ultimately treat those we say that we lionize.

For now though, this.

Because what I have been saying, time and again, is this is not ‘part of the work’. This *is* the work. I will elaborate on that later in a series of essays. I am writing slowly. I want to be sure that the words will be heard and internalized; that they will give nobody an excuse to either blow up, or shut down, or run away.

The first essay was to go live tonight, but the work being done right now, especially in light of what happened last night with that nonprofit woman, is too important to ignore.

There are conversations going on about the fundraising. Has it been too big an ask, speaking to the tone and the frequency; asking if this was going to be a regular thing; this crass asking for monies.

I will speak to each to of these as well, probably further along in the series, because these are big questions, and, judging by what is going down in the here and now, we are not ready to confront them yet.

So I will start with the personal and move to the sociopolitical.

We gonna do this. It has implications beyond this space. So we will do what few others who speak of racial justice do. We will continue to confront it head on.

For now though, I have these suggestions. As has been noted, people do not like being told what to do–especially by woc, even ones we idolize–another issue that will be dealt with (by the time I am finished with all this, I may well have the bones for a book, or at least a longform)–so consider them things that the people who have liked, complemented, pm’d, shared, my work have said, both implicitly and explicitly, that they were willing to do.

As you do them, share here in this space, and we will hold space for exactly this every week. This is an exercise. Flex. Flex.

First to those who say they have no funds–I feel you. I have lived in my car. I have hidden from marshalls coming to take my house the first time Robert was acutely ill 15 years ago. I have made top ramen last 2 meals (and still stayed round. the universe isn’t fair). I have given fake reasons why I couldn’t go to happy hour with my colleagues, or participate in a gift exchange, or contribute to a potluck. I have sat in the dark because my lights were cut off. I have lived without a phone; not just a cell phone, a landline too. I have had my water disconnected. Some of these things happened 30 years ago, some 15, some recently. But they have happened. So I know what it is not to have money.

But.

But I had a dime. I could always find a dime. Somewhere in the far reaches of my purse. Or in a sofa cushion. Or in the console of my truck. Or on the ground (how poor do you have to be to bend over and pick up a dime?). I could find a dime, or two nickels, or 11 pennies somewhere.

I did the math. 52 dimes for a year is $5.20. Enough for a cup of coffee and a small cookie.

So my challenge to those who have known, or currently know deep poverty: find a dime. Every week. Put it in a jar. On 3-11-19, find a person to serve. Invite them out for coffee and sharing. Pay for it. If you find a little more so you have enough for two coffees and a cookie to share, great. If you don’t *you* drink water. Don’t let them pay, even if you know they have more resources than you. There is always room for the widow’s mite. You can still give. You can still be a blessing. I know. Believe me, I know. For some that dime will be a sacrifice indeed. That will make the coffee sweeter still.

Now–For those with a little more. Give up–once a week. Give up that coffee, or that lipstick, or that mani, or that carwash. Don’t find ‘extra’ money. *Give it up*. You will not drink the coffee. You will not slick on the lipgloss. You will drive dusty. For one week.

Put it in an envelope, so it’s broken out. Then actively look for the stranger. And when she asks for a quarter or a dollar, surprise them with 5, or even 10, or even 20 dollars.

***No clench***. No wondering where it will go. No wondering if she deserves it. No trying to vet her circumstances. Just give. And the next week, do it again. and again. and again. It will become the most precious envelope you will ever touch. For my part, I use a envelope that delivered help for me when I desperately needed it. By 3-11-19, I imagine it will be falling apart. Mine is. Good.

And for those who have contributed to this community, either in spells or as an actual or potential sustainer (again, my deep and sincere thanks—I am working on making it easier for you all) something bigger. This is two part.

The first part is for everyone, really. Not just those who contribute or sustain.

I want you to go to this site– the fundraiser– youcaring.com Put 10 or 20 or 30 minutes on the timer. And immerse yourselves; really look at the faces. Look in all the categories. Allow the faces to penetrate your force field. Love them. Touch the screen. DO NOT read their stories, their justifications and explanations as to why they need to do this. Just allow yourself to be moved by their basic humanity. But DO look at the numbers. Look at the amounts raised by white faces and families, and the numbers raised by families and faces of color. See the stark difference in the numbers. Sit with that, as y’all like to say. Really let it sink in. Really let it penetrate your dermis.

Then find a yellow or a brown or a black or a native face. Anyone at random. And give. It could be a dollar, or a tenner, or a hundred, or more. But give. Without knowing anything other than they’re homo sapien, and they deserve the same empathy and caring as pink faces. If you have already given to me (again, my thanks), feel free to only give to them. Blindly, wildly, with abandon and surrender of outcome. If you choose to contribute to the Lace on Race community, well, thank you. But only, only, only after you’ve given to the stranger.

If you are overwhelmed at the sheer number– and you will be– you can choose to give to the person we choose here at Lace on Race: there will be at least one, maybe two. It will be easy; we will have a link; you can go directly there.

People have conflated this ask with something more grandiose. No one is asking you for an organ; we’re hoping that you find this space compelling and informative and challenging and unique; enough of all of those things that you can give up a latte, not a liver. Still, the pushback continues. We need more of the 1500 of you to give in small amounts for a larger purpose. So then.

Welp.

For the sake of perspective, I am gonna do my best to find a person who really does need a liver. Or a lung. Or a kidney. Or chemo. Or a wheelchair. And we are gonna, as a chosen community, bless them. For every dollar you contribute to the community, you contribute to the stranger. And we will truly see the power of crass and vulgar dollars; the blessing that can come of your Starbucks bucks.

For my part, I too will do each of the three actions. I will share both with the accountability/advisory group we have formed to keep me on track and with you all here as well. From my own funds. It will indeed impact my household budget. As it should. And I will give again. And again. Top ramen for two days ain’t bad. Each slurp is better knowing I have lived out my values.

Yes, I am asking you to sacrifice in these small ways so you can feel both the clench, you can know what it feels like to live in vulnerability 24/7, so you can put heart and flesh and soul to your stated convictions. If you can find funds and a full throated ‘YES!’ without clench, you can stand with your sisters in real life. This work needs to be something that is marrow deep; not a hobby, not something you can shuck off like a puffy vest when it gets too hot.

You need to learn, to really learn, how to serve.

Because see, it’s never been about the money. (Sweet Janine–you will meet her soon and hopefully come to love her as much as I do–would disagree. Money got her a Moana blanket.)

It’s about the internalized, knee jerk service and sharing and looking the stranger in the eye and soul and heart till they’re no longer a stranger. A stranger in the street. A stranger in the coffee shop. A stranger in YouCaring. 1500 strangers here. Give. Till you figure out and internalize *That There Are No Strangers*.

And lastly, this.

If you do not feel led or called to contribute to this space, ok. I cannot compel you to.

But you are not off the hook. Find another woman of color who is writing and teaching. I do not care who. Give to them. Tell who you gave to in the comments, and share a link if they have one.

You will be changed. I will be changed. And isn’t this the very point of this space?

I love you all, all 1500 of you. Each one. No more and no less than before this letter, and this lesson.

Thank you for walking with me.

In Love and Solidarity and Dimes,

Your Lace

Be sure to also engage with the
Reacts, Emojis, and Engagement Forum

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

Well I was doing the extremely messy job of cleaning out the back of my truck, which was no mean feat, more thoughts came to mind.

Here’s the deal. Said very quietly, and gently, and with all of my compassion, what people do when they say “can’t”, either in words in a private message or on a thread, or when they give a very narrow parameter of what they’re willing to do, or when they act out parameters and “can’t” with their behavior, is worth noting.

What they are doing is demanding me to take care of them.

What they are doing is displacing their discomfort on to me.

By forcing some sort of answer for me that either absolves them or pisses them off and gives them permission to leave, or by insisting that I hold a pain that they should be learning to tolerate on their own.

We’re going to be talking about this more in the relational ethics series, about being able to hold on to yourself, and to provide your own sense of emotional regulation, but I really want to highlight what happens here.

Put bluntly, it places me in the position of Mammy, and *I will not have it*.

I care deeply about each of you. I think about you all individually and collectively constantly.

I want this to be a journey that’s worth taking, that you look forward to walking.

But I cannot carry 4000 buckets, or even the 400 or so buckets of those who are regularly active in this space.

Or, and especially, those whose participation and engagement are provisional and conditional on my compliance.

That’s straight up supremacy.

One of the things that the relational ethics series will do, if you allow it to (which means you *actually have to do it*), is it will teach you how to hold your own bucket, and also how not to slosh it on people around you.

This is a big deal for another reason. I am not the only person who sees these comments.

People of color, who have been watching this space for almost 2 years are only recently poking out and making commentary and showing themselves in this space in significant numbers.

That is huge. That’s saying that this space is safeish enough for them as well as safeish for you.

I do not have the words to articulate just how brave and courageous that is, particularly when you consider all the crap that’s out there in the internets and in their real lives.

You NPHH know exactly what I mean.

That they trust this space, and me is almost beyond comprehension. That while doing this work with you is fraught and dangerous, that they are willing to risk.

I can not keep them from pain, but I will do my utmost to not allow gratuitous harm. Period.

And when they see the carve outs and the exceptions that are expected all too often, there is no way that they will not extrapolate that to their real-life lives.

Because this is exactly what happens. Saying that you’re on board and 100% and ride or die and then you get tired because white people get tired two blocks in to a 26 mile run, or that you want to do it your way, although doing race work white people’s way is why we are where we are, or when they see you leave with the slightest of pushback from me or anyone else well- you see it.

Before this space is *anything* else, it is a space for white people to learn how to be less harmful, less violent, less detrimental to black and brown people.

And everything should stem from that overarching ethos.

So all of us, all of you, should really really appreciate and take heed of the larger issues, and the meta messages that you are sending.

When you say what you are not willing to do, how heavy the load is before you have taken so much as a single step, much less a mile.

With all love, what I’m asking of you is not onerous oh, and remember, you opted in.

It is worth really meditating on how you are in the space, because as I have said many times who you are in this space is who you are and there is no way that you can do what you say you want to do outside these virtual walls if you are not doing it here.

This is a lab, a rehearsal space, a place for you to get it wrong so that you will get it more right when you are actually charged to be the person you say you want to be outside of your screen.

We are a community that is set up very deliberately to learn how to lean on each other, how to take care of each other, and that’s not just hearts and flowers, that sometimes tough messages as well.

As we walk together, you will do better.

But only if you continue to walk, and not do what so many do, which is look for the rest stop when the car is barely out of the driveway.

I will serve you with my utmost, but I cannot, will not, carry you.

This work, this call is yours.

I am now going to find something to eat and watch how many people we lose because of this post.

Next up:
On Kidneys, Coffees, and Dimes

[Lace on Race Admin Staff]

This is so important I’m actually going to use it again as we get further on into relational ethics, but I thought it was important to place this here now.

So often, I hear in private messages and on the threads about people’s afflictions, and how that is an inhibitor to doing the work that they feel they should be doing or feel called to do.

In fact, since the Reset, and now with Onboarding, I am getting more than a few messages of people telling me what their limitations are, and wanting, expecting, feeling entitled to carveouts, exceptions, dispensations.

They really don’t get that I would be doing them absolutely no favors if I acquiesced.

I’ve written an entire post about all of this that you can find in the pinned posts under “leadership”.

But what I want to do tonight is be encouraging.

All of us have afflictions.

And I want to very quietly but insistently say this.

So do the black and brown people you say you want to stand with, who have to move and survive in a world that hates them with those same or even more debilitating afflictions firmly in place. Race is the country gravy that exacerbates, making the slog that much harder.

This is not to say deny your afflictions, or to push past them so hard to the point of ill-health.

This is an encouragement and an exhortation not to let either mental or physical or emotional challenges stop you from this work.

In that pinned post, I refer obliquely to some of my own afflictions and challenges that, if I allowed it to, would keep me from doing this work. This is not an exercise in one-upmanship, nor is it an exhortation to do it just because I do. It is, if you will allow it, this is very permission giving; to allow yourself to be more than you think you can be in this present moment.

This is actually a compliment if you think about it. I am betting the farm that you are capable of More Than You Think You Are.

Hear that. Breathe it in.

As I said in the post that you can find pinned, so often people feel that doing the work with intention and integrity will be detrimental to their health.

It’s actually quite the opposite.

Going outside yourself, learning how to serve, asking yourself questions about race that lead you to answer deeper questions about all other areas of your life is beneficial, not only to your Praxis, but to your own interior lives as well.

Being curious about what you can do instead of being stuck in what you can’t can be the Breakthrough with a break opening that you need.

Being creative about what you can do rather than fixating on what you can’t do can also be liberating, freeing, and move you closer to being the person you say you want to be.

Now here is a challenge within the encouragement.

A lot of times when people say can’t, what they really mean is won’t.

I encourage you to really stop and think about the ‘can’ts’ in your life.

All the things you say you are incapable of doing.

And then I invite you to really unpack each and every one of them.

Are they really ‘can’ts’ or are they ‘won’ts’?

I know that when I have done this exercise in my own life I have been struck by how many times I have said one word when I really meant the other.

Again it may have meant that I needed to be curious and creative about how to turn that won’t into a fully fleshed yes, but that doesn’t let me off the hook.

I encourage you to push past your norms and narratives, whatever they are be, and how they play out in your life–particularly here in this space with your community; as time spent, being it writing comments instead of reacts, be it financially engaging with our partners, and what the community itself, be it taking this work outside, to having The Bravery to speak up to co-workers spouses congregants and the like.

Even if you do all the unpacking in your can’ts are still authentic can’ts, the exercise in itself has value and validity.

So this weekend I’m going to go ahead and drop number 5 of the relational ethics series.

And all those who said that you cannot do it–and that’s most of you– I’m going to ask you to really unpack the can’t and start doing the work.

I’ve waited too long to drop this, and this series needs to move forward so that we can do deeper work together.

I encourage everyone of you that’s on this journey.

Journeys are not started with the word can’t they are started with the words will.

My intention for all of you going forward is that you find the capacity, the agency, and the will to see this through, and stop finding reasons why you can’t, but start to find reasons why you will indeed do this work with reliable resilience.

from Bruised, Not Broken: May 18, 2019

Next up:
Encouragement… Part 2

[Author]

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