[Lace Watkins]

https://laceonrace.com/2021/05/09/mothers-day-message-2021/

 

Mother’s Day Message 2021

Discussion

[Laura Berwick]

I’m such a proud auntie today. I got to video chat with my sister and nieces and my own mother, and I cherish that my nieces know who I am, even from half a country away. I hope that I can be a great good in their lives. I have cherished being a good in the lives of my friends’ children. And it is important to me to be a good within this community. I feel like I’m a proud auntie here, too, helping our new organization to grow right now. It’s a privilege to be a part of that, and I look to a future full of growth and hope.

Lace, you have talked about how this is your child. Your child is strong and healthy and incredibly blessed to have you at the head of its nurturing.

Even as I want to just glow cozily with warm joy for the love of the amazing moms I know and am surrounded by… I don’t want to forget the moms, the women, the loving, nurturing humans, who are struggling with today, for so many reasons. Especially those who have been harmed deeply in being harmed in their motherhood. This work is so important. The strength and vitality of this child, our organization and community, are so important.

[Rebecca McClinton]

I’m thankful for the reminder here that parenting is “neither easy nor linear,” “lumpy crossings,” as Padraig O’ Tuama calls it. I found out yesterday a previous kiddo in our lives is now homeless. I found myself in a place of grief and questioning all day. Then I found out another one is 30 days clean, a huge accomplishment (!). I am so easily sorrowed when crossings are lumpy, so badly wanting love and time invested to mean that things go perfectly. It is a reflection of those white outcome-focused, mutually exclusive, binary narratives. I’m reminded by these words, that love can surround and rise above the lumpiest of crossings, both in parenting, and in this work, here. LoR has definitely made me a better parent, more thoughtful on every front, but especially mindful how I’m working to help the next generation develop different mindsets than the ones I grew up with. I’m grateful for this space that Lace has planted and nurtured, and that together we continue to grow.

[Catherine Seaver]

Oh Rebecca, that sounds like so much to hold. I’m holding you in my heart and mind as you keep walking through these lumpy crossings – thank you for sharing the grief and the good stuff. I’m right there with you on my own desire for control – I love that line: “white outcome-focused, mutually exclusive, binary narratives” – and it is constant work to let go of those things, and instead of focus on the North Star and what I can do in my own internal work, in my own reaching out.

The power of love to surround lumpy crossings is something I’ve been learning here too – I am amazed by the difference it makes in conversations and in my own mind as I stumble. Walking with you as we learn to parent differently and deeply, focused on the North Star.

[Rebecca McClinton]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I will keep practicing letting go of those outcome focused mind states that only cause harm to both myself and others and work to lean in with willingness to stumble and keep walking.

[Christina Sonas]

It comes to mind that it is also a reflection of the expectation of ease which white supremacy gives to white people. Materialism (capitalism) too, gives the constant imagery that things are supposed to be easy, which becomes reality for me because of my economic class. But those are the real illusions, and they are built on the backs of oppressed peoples.

[Rebecca McClinton]

Ah yes, also so much a reflection of that white expectation of ease, thank you for noting that. I’m hearing Laura’s words in my head, (paraphrased) that “enough things in this world are already made for my ease/comfort”.

[Christin Spoolstra]

So happy to be a part of the village that grows this community. I’m still a new parent but we’re already talking about how to raise her oriented to the North Star

[Julia Tayler]

The good news is you get to start early! She will be so educated.

[Christin Spoolstra]

Thanks to the village we have here! I especially love the parenting dining room

[Catherine Seaver]

I love being part of this village, of learning to be a better auntie here as we grow this community and use these skills in my life as a parent and nurturer outside this space.

It has me thinking about Aunt Cathy and the impact of just one, of one person who loves and pays attention and made you feel seen Lace. It is profoundly powerful and I’m so grateful to get to join you as we learn to love better. I see how much you pour into us and the hopes you have for how we will grow roots, and grow out and strong. I keep walking.

[Christina Sonas]

This speaks to me as I work on learning the ins and outs of being a board member, and one for this specific organization. One thing I know about parenting is that it is a relentless reality check for the “if I were a parent” individual. The future-thinking self has a lot of ideas and ideals; the sleep-deprived parent has to confront the practical on an hourly basis. Grounding in ethos is essential to good parenting praxis; the rest is on-the-ground learning. Learning the difference between essential and discretionary. Learning that competing priorities often necessitate compromise, but never compromising ethos. Learning that the offspring has its own purpose and path that doesn’t always match your own (rarely does, in my case, with an autistic teenager!). Learning resilience in the face of one’s mistakes and of the unknown.

Not only as a board member — I can see the applications to nurturing my growing antiracism, too. These skills for nurturing development seem universal.

[Marlise Flores]

Mother’s Day the way you’ve written about it here, carries out from one holiday to the daily.

The more I reflect on Mother’s Day, and the alternate Father’s Day, the more I am recognizing this is not how either are treated or “celebrated.”

Mother’s Day is a way to materialistically “celebrate” mothers and pretend that is enough support for making them still carry the weight of grunt work. It gives an out for ignoring any real needs for actual support in household tasks etc. Buy some flowers and chocolate and you too can continue to throw your laundry all over the house while “honoring” moms for being so strong and resilient!

Father’s Day is usually celebrated by reinforcing that family time is only something one can get as a special gift or day while having to work for the family to survive any other day. Throw in a grill or fancy toy to solidify the man’s role as financial support.

Both support capitalism in a different way by either enforcing that material things can replace daily needs or material things are the gifts for spending a majority of life in the labor force.

And as racism is often primarily economic, it is a handy way of reinforcing the white standard of the family unit while requiring more labor and less economic reward to BIPOC families.

All of this makes me wary about how I support Lace on Race. Am I putting in the daily work and recognition? Or opting for the feel good reinforcements that come by once a month or year? Am I withholding financial engagement but laying on the flowery words of shallow support?

Laying a foundation. A new foundation. That means carrying the heart of nurturing and change into every single day. It is resilient and reverberating.

[Christin Spoolstra]

You cut to the heart of it beautifully, Marlise. Am I here to take permanently the dishes, laundry, and floors? Or am I here to present some flowers with my dirty laundry? Truly honoring our families (and LoR is also family to me) is uprooting these unequal systems structured on the expectations of ws culture. It’s making sure everyone in the family is walk-in shoulder to shoulder. That requires me doing the deep work on the daily, something in which I’ve been slipping lately. But I can no longer put my slack onto lace as the matriarch of our community

[Rebecca McClinton]

thanks for pointing out here, Marlise, the way we are always so eagerly looking as white people for ways to give an ‘obligatory’ pat on the back and call it good. No-one likes being the recipient of that, and extended towards people of color, it’s violent and offensive. I’m reminded how Lace has previously said <font face=”inherit”>“a weaponized white person engaging in spaces, online or off is worse than no engagement at all”. Placating is a sneaky manipulation of saying one thing and doing another and I need to be on the lookout for that inside </font>myself<font face=”inherit”> and outside in my actions. </font>

[Catherine Seaver]

This really resonates with me Marlise, and I love that you are writing more critically about how we “celebrate” Mothers and Father’s Day… and really how that just perpetuates capitalism, patriarchy and harmful white supremacy structures. I’m thinking deeply about this too in my family as we work to change the dynamics of division of labour, and treating my kids like they aren’t able to take on a lot of the work. What I’m noticing here – and it feels related to this post and also the reflection on how LoR approaches “funding” models – is that my kids have very little interest in changing their role (I’m thinking about white women being more like toddlers, and how we choose not to grow up, choose not to take on the responsibility of doing things differently and mitigating harm)… and as I think about how frustrating and exhausting that is for me I’m extending that to the weariness Lace feels on having to continue to do the grunt work.

Your words: “All of this makes me wary about how I support Lace on Race. Am I putting in the daily work and recognition? Or opting for the feel good reinforcements that come by once a month or year? Am I withholding financial engagement but laying on the flowery words of shallow support?”

It is in the daily, relational work of supporting this space and the relationships beyond it that is the work that keeps us aligned to the North Star. I’m here for the dishes, the laundry, the cleanup, and the family meetings as we figure it out – signing up and following up through.

[Emily Holzknecht]

Your comment is leading me to think also about how the recognition needs to be in the daily interactions and putting in the daily work on the micro scale while at the same time thinking about and working toward recognition on the societal scale as well. We have this holiday Mothers Day so that we show how much we as a society care about mothers, but we would really be showing how much we care about mothers if ensured parental leave, fair wages, housing, healthcare, childcare…

[Emily Holzknecht]

…eldercare

[Shara Cody]

You’re so right that it’s about the day to day and the eye to eye, Marlise, and all the ways you pointed out that Mother’s Day is commercialized instead of relational and that it reinforces white supremacy.

[Shara Cody]

I’ve noticed that mothers are (often) mothers in everything they do; they naturally “take it outside” because acting in service to others with caring yet firm love becomes part of them when they become parents. I’m not a parent so reflecting on that general observation, it’s easy to look at the current state without looking at the non-linear path that its grown from as Lace described. I think that that way of being probably doesn’t just happen overnight and is possibly constantly evolving as they learn and grow as parents just as Lace has progressed LoR over time alongside her own growth.

“This community is only as viable and as healthy as we who nurture it.”- I hear in this that we have to be mothers to ourselves in order to “hold your own hand” and to “be the person you needed when you were a child”. By being steady nurturers we can grow up and out and change the lives of others by lessening harm to BIPOC and by planting and nurturing other trees who will make the world safer for BIPOC in generations to come.

[Rebecca McClinton]

In order to give to others in any meaningful way we/I first have to be have to hold and steady our/my own selves. That part can’t be faked, yet so often I have tried to, a sure fire way for me to cause harm every time.

[Emily Holzknecht]

I appreciate that you have (often) there. Mothers Day can so easily not be eye to eye. It can be putting mothers on a pedestal which can also be harmful.

[Jen Scaggs]

I am so thankful for Lace and everyone else who mothers and nurtures this space. Such good role models here for everyone working toward the North Star. I strive to be a good nurturing presence in this community as well.

[Julia Tayler]

Being a mom has been one of the hardest and definitely the best parts of my life. I wonder if I’m doing it right. Every day. They’re getting older and will soon be out there in the real world. That’s terrifying

I appreciate how you talk about LOR being a child. We all need to nurture and protect and engage to keep it healthy.

[Emily Holzknecht]

I am thinking about the line at the end about “We are so grateful for all of you–mamas, midwives, aunties, and doulas who have helped our collective child grow.” That combination of mama-type roles – mama, midwife, auntie, doula – is interesting to me because two of those tend, in my experience anyway, to be paid people who are temporarily in a child’s life while mamas and aunties are unpaid and more permanent (… although here in NM I’ve often heard adult women of no relation who are in a child’s life either permanently or temporarily referred to as “tias”, Spanish for aunt). While at Lace on Race we are asking people to be here for the long-haul, to be relentlessly reliable, taking it outside, there will be children and racial justice projects that can be long-haul for us and there will be times when it is just a passing moment that we are in someone’s life and we can still put into that moment all the hesed we can muster and be the amazing midwife or doula who will only be there temporarily and maybe in a paid position but who comes with all the love of a mama or an auntie for however short a time.

[Rhonda Freeman]

Pivoting to race, I think of the generations of black and brown women in the country who were forced to mother white children while theirs were taken away from them and/or they were not allowed to care for them. We white women have been mothered by women of color directly or generationally and that part of reparations isn’t discussed as directly as I wish it would be.

[Deleted User]

Motherhood was, for me, about showing up and being present, loving, and attentive to my children, every day. For me, motherhood or more accurately, parenting, existed in the sharing of oneself with love, in daily, sometimes hourly dependable, committed interactions. My job was to keep my children alive: fed, clothed, housed, clean, safe, healthy, morally and ethically educated.

Above all, it was my most important task to make sure each child was fully seen, accepted and loved, no matter what. I wanted Charlie and Elliott to be assured of their innate goodness, capability and intrinsic worth, the way my parents showed me I was valued, and valuable.

I marveled to watch them grow! Little by little, bit by bit, they took on, and carried out the myriad of activities independent living, all on their own! It was thrilling sometimes and agonizing other times. Potty training, tying shoes, riding a bike, learning to swim, read, write, do math, think critically, drive, complete college degrees, work, make friends, find life partners;

CJ And EJ are grown adults now, the creators of their worlds. They don’t require me to mother them the way I did, as children or teens. <font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>I’m still (forever & always) a supporter, nurturer, cheer leader, port in a storm. We’re family; That’s a lifetime commitment. It’s now time for me to honor their adulthood. I say this easily now, I went through plenty of confusion, loss, change, </font>grief<font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> and self-reflection, all along the path of parenting.</font>

<font face=”inherit”></font>

<font face=”inherit”>Where I’ve stepped back most intentionally, is in course correction or advice giving. </font>Full<font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> disclosure, it’s been an awkward struggle at points, learning to resist this urge. </font><font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>However</font>, it’s the truest demonstration of my deep faith & belief in them, for me to step aside, making way for them to find their own path, follow their bliss, answer their adult calling. <font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>If they make mistakes now, I </font>trust (and I encourage)<font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”> them to figure out next steps, </font><font face=”inherit”> make different choices, self-examine, self-soothe, self-correct. I’m a sounding board, a gentle, attentive listener. I remind them of how many mistakes I and their Dad make, everyday, all the time. We try to observe, learn, (and laugh if/when </font>that’s<font face=”inherit”> possible). </font><font face=”inherit” style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Mistakes are learning </font><font face=”inherit”>experiences that human beings need. Mistakes show us the </font>nuances of<font face=”inherit”> problems solving, in more clear ways. My hope is that my kids can see mistakes as the rich learning experiences they are, and not as failure.</font>

<font face=”inherit”>In the work of being anti-racist, I’m a youngster. I have heartfelt </font>enthusiasm, and practical potential to be changed within, and to affect change in the world around me. I accept that I’m going to bumble, fumble, stumble and blow it, lots. What I don’t want to do, is to quit. Thanks for LoR and the community of walkers for sticking with me.

[Author]

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