[Lace Watkins]

https://laceonrace.com/2021/03/15/i-stand-with-a-woman-of-integrity-and-honor/

Please read this post and return here to the Bistro to discuss.

I Stand with a Woman of Integrity and Honor

Discussion

[Danielle Holcombe]

Cross-posted

Obviously, as you point out Lace, there are both similarities and differences between your crucible with Holly and Beth Moore’s current situation. I’m struck, though, by the absolute absence of love existing in each of these situations.

One does not need to be a person of faith to read and understand the meaning of the passage (1 Corinthians 13) quoted in the article you included.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.” Holly’s eloquence will be what it will be in the eye of each beholder of her words, but no matter the level of eloquence, her message was utterly devoid of love. She wanted to hurt you. To crush and destroy you. And her words have rung out loudly, much like a clanging, noisy symbol. An irritant so loud as to damage (however temporarily) your/Lace’s safety and the safety and effectiveness of this space.

But it wasn’t just Holly lacking love in this. “And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” Here I can see many of us white women in the community. It is more than a mere stretch to say we have this level of knowledge, understanding, faith, etc. But whatever level of understanding we thought we did have was also devoid of love if we stayed silent. Love doesn’t do that either.

Towards the end of the article, I felt like the writer was almost speaking the language of this community when they wrote “But the virtues above are not tactics to be disregarded when the stakes are high.” No, by no means. Our behavior must be marrow deep. If something is a virtue, if it is a habit or strategy we are working to build, then it is a good and necessary strategy ALL. THE. TIME. and *especially* when stakes are high.

And at its very root, I feel like what we are talking about here is kind candor. Kind, as we’ve discussed before, does not mean nice, or coddling, or babying fragile feelings. But kindness ought to be infused with love. With eye to eye seeing, never punching down.

And it isn’t kindness by itself. We use kind candor for a reason. That kindness cannot be loving if it is not accompanied by the truth. Bare naked truth, not couched or hidden, or softened – but spoken boldly.

Over the course of my life, I have never really practiced kind candor faithfully. These days, it is a core value, but many times, I still find that my behavior is out of line with my values. I find that I can do some version of kindness OR I can do plain speech but to combine them is where I often fall short. I did publicly engage with Holly at what I perceived was my first available opportunity (initially I was blocked from seeing anything and had no way to respond to those posts) and when I engaged, I believe I avoided punching down, but my words were not infused with love (for Holly at least).

And even in my love for Lace, comfort was still on my mind as well ~ and it was my interpretation of comfort as opposed to whatever Lace might have found comforting. I preferred to give Holly no spotlight. To ignore her like a child having a tantrum (which I’m learning isn’t necessarily the best way to handle a child having a tantrum either).

Lace, I’m going to keep walking with you. I feel great sorrow that this community you built did not hold you well during such a horrific and painful time. And I feel gratitude that your love for us is filled with such grace and space to continue practicing the use of these tools and honing these skills. But at the same time, we must feel tremendous urgency to increase our proficiency faster; to be ready to mitigate harm in real time.

[Michelle Wicks Cypher]

“Our behavior must be marrow deep. If something is a virtue, if it is a
habit or strategy we are working to build, then it is a good and
necessary strategy ALL. THE. TIME. and *especially* when stakes are
high.” This really speaks to me and what I was feeling as I read the article as well. Love and kind candor and respect are always necessary in every situation and especially more so when the stakes are high.

[Laura Berwick]

There is no faith known to us that is a rose-lined hedgerow path of soft moss, with a gentle sun and a cooling breeze, burden free, no turnings or sideways, easy to follow mindlessly, in perpetual comfort. All faiths will be challenged. There will always be someone sowing doubt, stoking fears, out for what they might gain through the confusion and pain of others.

I am white. I can walk away at any time with no diminution of my personal safety, my hard assets, or my social capitol. I only stand to lose my self-respect, and what ground I’ve gained toward becoming less of a danger to the Black and brown people I share this planet with.

I can stay and remain silent. I can glean what I want from this space and choose to ignore the harm that has been done here. I can shrug and say it’s Lace’s problem… I’m still getting what I wanted. I only stand to lose my growth toward being in right relationship, the lessening of the transactionality and self-centrism of my world view. I will be causing harm, and showing that I don’t care that I’m doing so, as long as I’m doing it my way, on my terms.

I can choose something less easy and comfortable. I can choose to speak against the violence that was done. I can choose to support and succor and stand beside Lace, the leader I have learned and grown and improved so much by walking with, in making that progress toward being less harmful. That’s what I choose. It isn’t… It never will be an easy, trouble-free choice. It is a choice to risk, and to potentially lose… something. But it’s a tiny risk of a nebulous loss. I’m in so little danger of experiencing any true harm. I am in so much danger of causing true harm. I have a responsibility to work harder in proportion to my relative ease.

I require that of myself, in alignment with my own ethos. And It is required of me here, in alignment with our ethos and praxis. I am here because I am in alignment with what this community was built for. I am here because I have to CHOOSE, EVERY DAY, to lessen and mitigate the harm endured by Black and brown people, perpetuated by white people and white supremacy, and by ME. And that will never be as easy as breathing, because racism is what’s as easy as breathing. I will have to work, and struggle, and choose and choose and choose, actively. Anyone who tells me it shouldn’t be hard, that I don’t need to change, that to much is asked here… I mean, I have to disagree.

Faith isn’t supposed to be easy. Not faith in a divinity, a person, an ethos, or myself. I have to work to BE what I believe I can and should be. So I’m still here and still walking.

[Jen Scaggs]

Wow! I have done some of Beth Moore’s bible studies in the past and had no idea that this was happening to her. I do see the similarities in the way people who said they believed in her showed cruelty, instead of love when they didn’t agree with something she said or did. I stand with you, Lace and I believe you are a woman of integrity and honor.

[Emily Holzknecht]

I have been thinking about what it is that makes it so easy in this day and age to abandon someone we not long before held in such high esteem, both abandon in the sense of leave to the wolves and in the sense of become a wolf ourselves and unleash our cruelty upon the person we previously held in high esteem and walked with. Even the private messages secretly declaring support is a form of abandonment, abandoning the target of cruelty while trying to maintain a relationship of sorts. We so easily abandon people in favor of other idolized humans who we will shortly also abandon, in favor of transient ideas, in favor of corporations, in favor of whiteness. We also fail to distinguish behaviors we disagree from the people engaging in those behaviors. We even fail to distinguish our own behavior from the person who we are so that if someone gives us feedback on the behavior, we feel attacked as a person. And when we see a behavior we don’t like, instead of giving feedback on the behavior, we attack the person and we don’t see the difference or why there should be a difference. It is so accepted that we attack people we used to care about with intent to destroy that we feel legitimized in suspending all our other values in order to do it.

I don’t think I have literally sent private messages of support, although I could be wrong about that. I have definitely done it in the sense of posting my outrage at an issue on Facebook or reacting to a post on facebook to show my support, but not actually ever intending to follow through with legwork. I have left people to the wolves. I have become the wolf myself. I have abandoned my values in order to prioritize tearing someone apart. When I choose myself over seeing others eye-to-eye as humans, that is my white supremacy.

The relational ethics expectations of this community are helping me to reject this way of being with others, to commit to not unleashing cruelty even if cruelty is unleashed upon me. I have not yet lived up to the expectations. I must keep walking and growing stronger so I can be a new person doing new things in new ways.

[Michelle Wicks Cypher]

I too have left people, Lace included, to the wolves. I know I have become a wolf myself in situations. While I did not become a wolf to Lace in the sense of attacking, I did harm through silence, and silence is violence. I too am continuing to walk and to continue to grow stronger and to know better and to do better and to be better. I am not there yet either but do see progress over who I was a year ago.

[Shara Cody]

Private support for public attack is abandonment and it’s also not in alignment with our North Star. I’ve done this quiet, safe support before and it’s no better than silence; it’s for me and my comfort but it does nothing to change things to make the world safer for Black and brown people.

[Julie Helwege]

Cross-posted:

In walking through this crucible with Lace and the LOR community, the evidence is telling – silence is complicit, private murmurs are avoidance and living out loud, online and offline, is critical in racial justice and equity work as is consistent financial engagement.

It’s also critical in seeing eye to eye and recognizing each other’s humanity. It’s way too easy in today’s world to vilify and dehumanize – I have to stand against that full throttle, with all of my might and social capital. It’s an “all in” ante.

Lace, I feel your character and honor are worth following, and I walk with you, behind you, alongside you and in front of you. I stand with you as you are a woman of integrity and honor. I strive to emulate you in so many, many ways. I walk eye-to-eye and shoulder-to-shoulder with you, always.

I’m also locating myself in the quiet murmur, in that moment of hesitation and it’s being weeded and rooted right now. I’m using this practice space and the methods you’ve taught me to shore up my Praxis and prepare myself to respond reflexively, in any moment. Because vilifying and dehumanizing happens in an instant (part and parcel of the white supremacy soup I bathe in every day), and I must always be at the ready to combat it, to name it plainly and to lessen and mitigate the harm endured by you and other Black and Brown people perpetuated by me and white supremacy accordingly. My social capital and influence matters, and I am using my privilege to drive change and equity.

[Catherine Seaver]

**Cross-posted**

As I think about the cruelty that Beth Moore is dealing with and the crucible that you’ve been going through Lace, I am struck by how easy cruelty is. How very central it is to the abuse of white supremacy. The kind of Hesed love that you model Lace, and urge us to have as the source of all our kind-candor interactions is NOT easy. It takes energy, self-regulation, reflection, and a deep commitment to constantly ask: who do I want to be? To me, it is this kind of love that is suffused throughout this space that makes it exceptional. This love grounds me in being able to keep walking, to digging deeper into the ways my own white supremacy shows up, and rooting it out so I’m in alignment with our North Star. My heart hurts for the ways this has impacted Lace in this past month. I am walking beside you, with all deliberate speed.

[Lisa Dollar]

*cross posted* Lace. I have been struggling with whether to continue engaging in LOR and I wanted to share why but I wasn’t sure if publicly was the right venue. Sometimes being in LOR does feel a little cultish, and I thought that before the Holly blow up and before the Jim and Kate convos. Sometimes I have felt that you have looked for ways to find negatives in comments from me or others, and on the times when you misread a comment and the negative was really not there, there really wasn’t any apology. So I’ve been struggling with that and trying to figure out what I want and while I have been doing that I haven’t been engaging and I know that has been hurtful and I’m sorry. I am also sorry because I know that sharing this with you is also probably hurtful. I guess I was hoping we could talk about it some.

[Lisa Dollar]

Lace’s initial reply

[Lisa Dollar]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10158016989734849&set=p.10158016989734849&type=3

[Laura Berwick]

I feel like maybe this is a good opportunity for me to tease out some of the things I’ve been thinking since the first “cult leader” accusation started flying around. Why the heck do people keep saying this about cultishness? If you truly think it’s a cult, why are you here? Or are you worried that it might LOOK like a cult… to your friends? And you want Lace to do something different so that it LOOKS better, safer, more comfortable for you? This is not just “you” as in Lisa, this is “you” as in all of us. Here are some things I’ve broken down:

SHARED ETHOS: Is this what makes you think this looks like a cult? That we’re agreeing, when we’re here, to adhere to a shared ethos, otherwise known as a set of guidelines? Would it feel better to us white women if Lace let us pursue racial equity however we wanted? Why do we have to agree to do it her way? Well, because we’re here, following the leadership of a Black woman, and I feel I’m personally proof that it bears fruit to do things her way and not my way. My way didn’t work. As for our “North Star” of lessening and mitigating the harm endured by Black and brown people perpetuated by white people and white supremacy… if you aren’t bought into that, it really does beg the question, why be here. Kind candor and the rest are instructional methods in learning to focus on this goal that I have to believe we all here agree is THE worthy goal of our racial equity work.

CATCH PHRASES: OMG, Laura, those, that’s what makes us sound cultish! Y’all all say the same things over and over! Well, many, many groups use short hand phrases to refer to larger ideas. In a moment of activation, I can think “North Star” more quickly and clearly than the longer phrase it stands for. It gives me a focus during stress, when I may be tempted to slosh/lash out, and weaponize my whiteness, or hide behind it. Alcoholics Anonymous has a 12 step program. Does hearing 12 steps from them a lot make them a cult? I believe white supremacy is an addiction, and at the least an insidious habit I will be unlearning my entire life. Addiction recovery and self-improving change work seem like fantastic frameworks to approach it. Hence why I’m here.

BUT SELF CHANGE??? Doesn’t it seem cultish that Lace is asking us to change who we are? Well, I’m a white person who grew up steeped in, seeing through the lens of, benefiting from, and acting out patterns of white supremacy, as naturally as breathing. Yes. I absolutely need to change deep within myself to unlearn all of that learning. And so do you. Are we going to see our own blind spots? Nope. Do we need to believe Black and brown people about racism? Yes. Do we need to believe Lace about racism? Uh… yes.

BELIEVE LACE??? Yes. We are going to have to believe someone else about a danger we will never face, an aspect of our culture that is transparently present to us and yet a deadly killer to others, and so they have learned to see it better than we ever will. Can’t we just rely on the evidence of our senses? No. Because we will straight up not see harm coming, until it smacks someone of color near us upside the head, and even then we will often be so blind we will try to make it anything BUT racist abuse. So yes, we need to believe Lace about things we can’t prove for ourselves.

WELL SOME OF YOU SEEM TO TAKE IT TOO FAR! Okay, well, some David Duchovny fans take it too far. Celebrities get stalked, and we don’t call them cult leaders. There will always be people who want to put other people on a pedestal and demand perfection of them. There are probably people here now who WANT to be in a cult, because that’s something they seek to fill a need, and maybe they see the tools we use and those tools fill that need on their end. That doesn’t… make those tools flawed. That makes we who use them for our own ends flawed.

WELL, AREN’T YOU WORRIED THAT YOU SOUND LIKE A CULT? Here’s a thing to ponder. I know that I’m not in a cult. I would leave if I found I were. I’m… really solid in my friendships outside of this space, not at all isolated, and not dependent on approval here to like what I see in the mirror. I’m actually self-esteeming to the point of arrogance. I’m not here for cookies or company. I’m here to fucking lessen and mitigate the harm I cause as a white woman to the Black and brown humans I share this world with. Knowing I’m not in a cult… why would I be worried that some people might think I am? Am I more concerned with the momentary discomfort I might feel from that until I manage to reassure my friends than I am with the harm I might cause? No. Do I care more about what people who aren’t doing this hard internal work think about me doing it than I care about doing that work? Uh-uh. Do I think that Lace, who has worked in addiction counselling, should pitch away powerful tools because what some people say about her using them hurts her, rather than continue to use them to teach us to cause less harm? Nope. I’m super glad she doesn’t. So… we need to ask ourselves, again, if we do think this is a cult, why are we here? If we don’t think it IS a cult, we’re just worried that it SOUNDS like one… what is it in us that privileges our comfort about what it SOUNDS like we’re doing over and above the truth of what it is that we’re DOING here?

My answer is my white supremacy, which I know will always look for reasons to distract me from racial equity work, or reassure my complacency, and will even seek to villainize the leader I’ve selected to follow, and vilify the very difficult work I have to do to become become become a less harmful person. And that’s hard and it’s revolutionary, and it’s unfamiliar, so of course it can sound dangerous. I’m still going to do it without blinking when people belittle the work or me, and I’ll sure as hell not let them deter me from working with a leader I’ve been in relationship with for years, whom I trust, and whose leadership and knowledge I admire, and have truly learned from.

[Michelle Wicks Cypher]

I appreciate the way you have broken this down. I have often wondered about this cult concept in regards to Lace on Race. You hit on something I was missing – I was stuck on if you think it’s a cult why are you here? But, being worried that it looks like a cult to others is pretty obvious the way you lay it out. Now I am examining ways that I may have that white supremacist tendency hiding in me that hinders my work here to lessen and mitigate the harm that I cause and the harm caused to Black and Brown people by white people, including me and white supremacy.

I believe in Lace and the work she does and the phenomenal integrity she has. I consider myself a person of integrity and have still have a ways to go to reach her integrity level. I do not say that to put her on a pedestal, but as my observation of her and why I am still here, in all my flawed ways, and why I believe her and appreciate her.

[Laura Berwick]

I feel like… I like to think I’m a person of integrity, and I feel tempted to avoid situations that might show me myself in a different light. Staying here, in this community, doing this work, holds me accountable for actually BEING someone of the integrity I like to THINK I am. One of the flexes of white supremacy is masking, even masking ourselves when we look in the mirror.

[Laura Berwick]

Something else I wanted to add to my observations on repetition of our “catch phrases” and our repetition of “have you read the guidelines” and all the other repetitions we might see here, in content and sentiment and challenge. How important is it for a child learning to play piano to master the fundamentals? Even as an adult, if I’m learning to hit a golf ball, I have to do the motion over and over and over again until my fine motor coordination and my gross motor coordination are trained and I have the motion in muscle memory. I’m not sure I have anti-racism in muscle memory. I have to reiterate the fundamentals to train my mind away from the white supremacy it clings to, like a vine that needs to be trained onto a different support? We white women are all novices and children when it comes to relationship and anti-racism, so we have to practice, repeat, practice, repeat, practice repeat. It’s patience that Lace repeats herself so much, and encourages us to repeat what SHE already knows in her marrow, over and over. Patience and her commitment to helping us get it right, for the sake of lessening and mitigating our harm.

[Rebecca McClinton]

Lisa, in this opt-in, opt-out space, it seems ‘looking to find the negatives’ is exactly what we’re invited in to do…to dig, to unearth, to be vulnerable and then dig some more. I’ve had to remind myself of that frequently. In expecting that, I must gird myself, expect rawness, clunkiness, and vulnerability in that journey, expecting and knowing that will often not feel good, but believing through that process and through believing and trusting Lace’s words, life experiences, and wisdom (and also knowing and accepting she’s human too), I become safer for those I say I want to stand with and for.

[Marlise Flores]

Lisa, I’m not sure if you are still here reading but I made a connection today that helped solidify understanding the ways I move as a white woman. White women are like individuals that open carry. Open carry isn’t done for actual safety of the individual. If anything, it compromises ones ability to respond to situation without drawing attention. Drawing the attention is the point. It is a power move.

Dropping a professional position into conversation, disclosing disabilities or struggles, heck, just being a white woman knowing I have the full arsenal of white supremacy that pushes benevolent white women as a key narrative IS open carrying.

You said you felt like the negative was actively looked for…..but white women open carry. We open carry our privilege and power over. And we lean heavy on plausible deniability. So sure, there certainly are misunderstandings, but a person of color is always left wondering… “Did I actually misread? What are the chances? I can see the holster right from here, so yeah the sudden movement had me on guard.”

Meanwhile, even in the aftermath, the white woman still holds the power of requiring an apology to feel “safe.” Our safety and comfort is prioritized. And we never take the holster off.

[Rebecca McClinton]

(cross posted to facebook) I am not familiar with Beth Moore, but I have witnessed similar crucibles as the one Lace describes Beth Moore is experiencing and which Lace has concurrently experienced here in this space. white people like me reach for the easy out, running from conflict, running from a fire instead of towards it, to fight to put it out. I see those same behaviors and tendencies inside myself, that inso doing contribute to the silencing Lace describes and has felt in her marrow. I have reached out to individuals in my life and circles and encouraged them to check out and engage in this space and will continue to do that to work to rebuild here one person, one relationship at a time.

[Shara Cody]

Running from conflict and specifically using it as an excuse to walk away from this work and commitments made. I can locate that pull of white supremacy in myself. Part of my new behavior has to be sticking in and standing up when there’s conflict instead of running away.

[Rebecca McClinton]

I think I started about as reflexive as a sloth. I’ve seen that grow, thanks to the daily practice here, but have more work to do and practice to gain.

[Julia Tayler]

As reflexive as a sloth. What a great metaphor and I see myself in it.

[Julia Tayler]

I see myself here. Running from the fight. Calling 911 but not getting into the mix. Working on being a more reflexive person.

[Shara Cody]

At first I felt the need to look up Beth Moore because I don’t know anything about her, but like Holly’s attacks on Lace, I don’t need to know the details of what happened to see that lines were crossed and trampled over Beth’s and Lace’s humanity. The punch downs, personal attacks, and actions contrary to the supposed ethos and values of the attackers were public and violent. My silence contributed to the harm Lace has endured and the harm to this space. The murmurs of private support have me questioning if my comments on posts after the incident, although public, have been barely more than murmurs too. We’re learning to stop being silent when harm occurs, but was saying something in comments enough? Lace talked about proportionality after Holly’s violence (and no, Holly’s actions were definitely not justified or proportional even if her side of the story was the only truth) and I’m thinking about proportionality in terms of response to the harm/person perpetuating the harm AND in the support to the person being harmed. The louder the harm, the louder the response and support needs to be. Or maybe this is the wrong way to think about it because support never needs to be measured, but I’m thinking in terms of pushing me out of behaviors of white supremacy so that I support deeply and loudly. I need to be careful of using proportionality in support for my own comfort or to do less.

I absolutely see you as a woman of integrity and honor and stand with you, Lace.

[Julia Tayler]

Crossposted

I admit that I hadn’t heard of Beth Moore but the article was illuminating and horrible. The fact that people who profess a deep commitment to religion and love turned on her like they did is very disturbing. What Holly did to Lace was disturbing too. A quote That resonated with me was “I grieve for the steep and exhausting emotional cost paid by those on all sides of our ideological divide who speak in good faith, from the heart, and face not respectful disagreement but self-righteous cruelty in return. “ I feel like Lace speaks to us in good faith and that wasn’t returned to her at all.

I trust you Lace and I’m listening and walking.

[Rhonda Freeman]

so….yesterday, I took this to heart. I stood up for what I believed and responded to an email that I received as a bystander to a micro-aggression. I wrote it carefully and I definitely did not respond perfectly, but, wow, the whole thing has been really weird. I got a response from the person I approached with kind candor that I don’t actually understand. I had three people be very excited that I responded but only quietly, directly to me, behind the scenes. How weird is that? I think what I am getting is that we are all running around so afraid. How many people are being supportive of Beth and/or Lace in ‘private’ but not in public?

[Author]

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