[Julie Helwege]

https://www.facebook.com/laceonrace/posts/769939893659820

Discussion

[Rebecca McClinton]

I have engaged financially for April. To answer your questions, Julie, I think anxiously awaiting final numbers each month must feel exasperating and completely anxiety provoking and exhausting for Lace. I can’t imagine having to guess my income each month and the financial viability of a space that has so much love, time and energy put into it. A financial roller coaster ride doesn’t sound like our collective praxis at all. I think why the Holly, Jim, Kate TCL mishegoss impact things so much is because of how tightly white people clench their coin purses. It’s those economic constructs of racism coming out and wanting max say in dollars spent, running from conflict (insert white clench that conflict = bad instead of conflict = hesed/accountability).

[Kelsi Watters]

I have engaged financially for April. I imagine it feels humiliting, anxiety provoking, frustrating, and exhausting to have to wait for the final numbers. I know it is hard for Lace to do the Ask every month and takes a great deal of energy.

[Julie Helwege]

Done.

Bring on the meteor shower – let’s make it happen collectively and stand together in solidarity.

Reflecting on these questions was helpful. I used my fictive imagination to put myself in Lace’s shoes.

There’s truth in our numbers – a majority white community of walkers (me) are inconsistent. And sustainability and relentless reliability share consistency in common.

I can’t be trustworthy and faithful if I am consistently inconsistent. And there is so much supremacy and racism present when I am reliably unreliable. It’s a punch down and power move. The flex of don’t count on me, but I’ll still take all that I can get.

Oof. Ugh. Ick.

Regular, committed financial engagement is a big step towards consistency. I hope we take that step together this month and the next and the next, mitigating some of the harm, including the angst and pain caused, when our (my) reliability falls short.

[Emily Holzknecht]

*crossposted*

I think that awaiting the final numbers each month is exhausting. LOR continues to need monthly reminders in financially engage because the community members are not relentlessly reliable and how we feel about Lace in the moment influences what we are willing to contribute or even if we are willing to contribute at all. That is white supremacist manipulation. Episodes like Holly, Jim, Kate, TCL impact the finances because we see white supremacy bearing down on Lace and we choose white supremacy. We are happy to perform lessening and mitigating harm when it’s theoretical, but when it’s practical, we choose white supremacy. Awaiting the final numbers is exhausting because it is further white supremacy that Lace has to deal with every month. Even when the budget is met there are still all the thousands of lurkers out there who take without paying and the next month is still questionable not reliable. What can I do to make the budget happen in April? I have fulfilled my promised engagement and sent additional engagement funds. I will respond to all the ask posts and respond to walkers comments on those posts to increase reach. I will continue to talk about this community outside of this community.

[Shara Cody]

I’m excited for those April teasers and have already listened to the Dignified Learning Project conference which was jam packed with information and ideas- looking forward to deep discussion with everyone.

I didn’t realize we were still $3k short last month and that’s just not acceptable. LoR does so much with the budget as Julie described here and I want to support all of it including Lace being paid.

How do you think anxiously awaiting final numbers each month feels for Lace? I imagine she would feel hurt and frustrated and she might blame herself even though it’s the community who have fallen short and not her. I’m so sorry you have to go through this every month, Lace, I’ll continue to engage financially and with others in community to lessen harm to you.

Is a month-to-month financial contribution *roller coaster ride* living out our collective Praxis in eye to eye and shoulder to shoulder walking? No, it’s not eye to eye walking and has the opposite effect of what we say we want and who we say we are. Even if I was a lurker consuming content and spectating on the method I am acting in white supremacy and the absolute minimum I can do is to financially engage with any amount I can to support Lace and our Western Star.

How/Why does mishegoss like Holly, Jim, Kate and The Christian Left impact our finances? Because of the very thing we say we’re here to change and deconstruct, racism and white supremacy. As white people our reactions to “conflict” including running away and withholding financial engagement keep us out of community, out of relationship, and sabotage the work we are trying to do. Because money is power in white supremacy, any reaction or clench of a white person has will translate to money somehow.

Why do we continue to need monthly reminders to financially engage? Unfortunately we need them because our praxis isn’t strong; for many of us, we haven’t even looked in the mirror or taken a step so our praxis is non-existent. Just below the surface of not taking action or at least not taking action of our own motivation and planning, is white supremacy. It twists us away from relationships and from giving to wanting and taking resulting in us forcing Lace to ask us to engage financially every month. We are not doing our part to be eye to eye with Lace and it harms her every month. We need to step up individually and as a community to stop this harm. There’s no reason not to have a reminder in your phone or calendar to financially engage each week or month or whatever works for you. I’ll keep financially engaging without being asked.

I’m in on Julie’s challenge to build on the momentum of last month to meet budget. I’ll do my part by increasing my engagement this month and hope that everyone will answer this challenge.

[Danielle Holcombe]

I know a piece of how it feels for Lace each month because she tells us. She tells us it feels like an indictment on her when the numbers are low. She tells us that she is sometimes afraid she made a mistake to retire – because of the “what if’s” that are a result of the unreliability of white folks. She tells us that at times the fears are a barrier to her creative flow and at other times, she has to adopt a “fuck it” attitude, because she knows she is doing what is right. And yet, that fuck it attitude can only last so long, before fear or anxiety grow once again.

I would love for Lace’s income to always be assured; and for the org to not only meet all of our current commitments but to expand and grow in the ways that we serve others. I’m sure many of the other regular sustainers here long for that as well. To my knowledge, we don’t have anyone in the community with the means to single handedly make that happen.

As a community though, we are powerful. I wonder sometimes what the lurkers who don’t engage (financially or otherwise) are thinking.

Before finding this community, my view of community has often been something along the lines of “oh, someone else will respond to that question / meet that need.” Community in the past for me has often meant a way to pull away from people. The larger the community, the easier I can hide there. I will get “credit” for my attendance and yet have no responsibility at all.

When it comes to this community at Lace on Race, if I can comfortably read here about budget deficits and shortfalls and still think “someone else will meet that need” – what drives that?

Lace has said it’s because we don’t want her living *too* well. I used to think that wasn’t it. How could that be it? But the more I ponder this unhealthy idea of community where I can become calloused as I assume others are stepping up already, the more I realize what Lace says IS at the root of that.

When we think as a society about meeting the needs of others, we always think in terms of ‘enough’. What is enough? How much is too much? If I can see from the comments that at least x number of people are responding to the asks, I can assume that the org is getting “enough” (as defined by my comfort). Why should I sacrifice? Wouldn’t Lace then have “too much”?

That’s the wrong view from so many angles. If I’m speaking from a competitive stance in not wanting Lace to do better than I am financially, I’m wielding a tool of white supremacy. If I’m holding myself apart from the work that this community is doing by thinking the engagement of others is enough, I’m wielding my individuality as a tool of white supremacy. I can dehumanize Lace by either putting her on a pedestal, confident she can work miracles even with just a piece of her budget, or by holding her or her work as ‘less than’ and thinking whatever she gets is definitely plenty – rather than desiring to walk alongside my friend and mentor and work and walk together.

This is what we get with white supremacy. Competition, individualism, manipulations and maneuvers – always trying to get ahead. I wonder what it takes to get buy-in? To get people who aren’t yet in that place to see that *each thread* is needed to weave the complete tapestry. To see that our potential as a community only increases as we begin to move together and bring ourselves to the table.

I hope that as we live out community boldly and beautifully here – eyes always focused on our North and Western Stars, that you who are watching in the shadows will want to experience true community as well.

[Grace Bannerman]

Read and engaged for April. I imagine that waiting for the numbers each month is stressful and frustrating, as though all the work done didn’t happen or wasn’t valuable. It likely makes it hard to plan though the need and the commitments to community partners remain. Consistent engagement is part of being relentlessly reliable, and means being proactive rather than reactive – setting calendar reminders or engaging on set days before waiting for the ask. I am not sure how events like Holly, Jim, Kate and The Christian Left affect financial engagement. I can see them increasing financial engagement as more people are drawn in to watch, but these numbers suggest engagement decreases as people do not engage or perhaps leave the page. We need monthly reminders because budget isn’t hit even with the reminders. In some circumstances, waiting to be asked could consciously or unconsciously be a bit be white saviour-y (do I feel my engagement is “needed”? do I want to “help” in order to feel a certain way about myself or do I want to further the North Star, or both?) and reinforces a power dynamic (that the community as a whole has a lot of power and Lace/admin team have to ask for things). [crossposted]

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