[Marlise Flores]

*** Rerunning this post and elevating this discussion in honor of Aunt Cathy’s birthday today, July 1, 2021!*** ~Note from Laura Berwick

 

Take some time to read Lace’s post and respond if you haven’t already. https://laceonrace.com/2021/02/28/everyday-hero-catherine-debose/

 

Then, I have some queries for us as parents to dig into that stem from that discussion.

Who nurtured you as you were growing up?

Who should have but didn’t water you as a child, as a young adult?

How did those individuals shape your ethos in healthy and unhealthy ways?

Who are you currently watering? Crucially, who are you *not*?

As always, be sure to pivot to race as you consider and answer these queries.

Everyday Hero Catherine DeBose

Discussion

[Emily Holzknecht]

When I was growing up, I was mostly nurtured by my parents. My maternal grandmother also nurtured me as a child, mostly after age 9 when we lived in the same country. I don’t think I can fairly say that anyone who should have watered me didn’t, though the watering was not always great.

The way I experienced watering as a child led me and my younger brother to compete for watering. I also competed with children at school to be watered. We did not learn that there is enough water for everyone. I still fear scarcity where in reality there is plenty. To a degree my watering also depended on the emotional state of the waterer, something I was held accountable for. I struggle to not also place conditions on my own watering of others. With some people and in some situations, watering was transactional. It had to be earned. With some people in some situations, it was not transactional, but that type of “you are special” was really a “you deserve more than others no matter what you do.” I have commented before about how I think I was parented most closely to how Terry Real describes (white) boys as being parented and therefore have the white male grandiosity/shame cycle no matter who I am in relationship with.

I have listed the unhealthy ways first because I think about how well they all fit as part of white supremacy culture. While obviously my nurturing wasn’t ideal, I received much more nurturing than many children receive, and I think because of that I do have the capacity to examine myself in community and dig deep and become less harmful.

I wrote some about who I am watering on the main post. Before the pandemic as a preschool teacher I was pouring a lot of time, emotional labor, love and in some cases money into the children and families I was teaching which did include outside of school hours to an extent, but is also different than Aunt Cathy because I was someone the families had hired (even if, in some cases, I wasn’t getting paid). During the pandemic, I have been mostly watering my own children, but I was also asked to take on a new role as a cofacilitator for a support group for parents of transgender and gender nonconforming children and so I have been doing that as well, nurturing the waterers, an extension of the waterer-nurturing I was doing before as a preschool teacher working with families and with student teachers. Again, it is still different than pouring myself into a few specific people without having an “official” role.

Who am I *not* watering? I often think about specific children in the past who I met either through work or through my children’s elementary school who I could see needed an (or another) Aunt Cathy, and who I considered committing myself to being Aunt Cathy to for as long as the family would allow me to be. …and I let the fear of scarcity part of me win out and didn’t become their Aunt Cathy… or haven’t. It’s probably wrong to think of it as over and done. They are still children, after all.

Pivoting to race, I am white. Most of the mothers in my circles are white. And most of their children are also white. The white-implemented segregation of neighborhoods and segregation of relationships means that white people, like me, – who have more resources – are more likely to be pouring themselves into white children, although white supremacy means we are also likely to be hoarding our resources and pouring them only into our own children who live in our houses. It feels to me like if I were to seek out a Black or brown child who is outside my bubble to be Aunt Cathy to, that would be white saviorism. I must work to desegregate my bubble and create genuine eye to eye relationships with nonwhite families and that would make possible being an Aunt Cathy to a variety of children in ways that are not white saviorism.

AND in addition to desegregating my bubble, I need to keep working on my own white supremacy both so that I can see eye to eye with families in that expanded bubble and also so that I can resist the white supremacist urge to hoard my resources including me time and love.

[Marlise Flores]

Emily, I am also thinking about scarcity and how, while it is an illusion for white people, it is forced scarcity for BIPOC. Instead of thinking about how I can as a white woman water people of color, what would it look like to divest and challenge forced scarcity so that I never have to step into a white savior role? I often think of an adult to child dynamic, but in eye to eye relationship there is mutual pouring, or there should be. I think that power dynamics, or us as white woman only thinking of relationships that uphold a power dynamic over is extremely important to critique and seek out. If I am pouring into my children, am I also teaching them to pour back? Forced scarcity starts when we as white people grasp what we have stolen….and that is something I need to be aware of so as to not pass on that specific clench.

[Emily Holzknecht]

Thank you for this emphasis on divesting. There is always a funkiness there when resources are not equitable. I have experienced it and not been able to identify and verbalize what was behind that funkiness the way you have here. I wonder how much that funkiness leads white people to segregate because when segregated, we can continue to hoard and have eye to eye relationships with those in our bubble and pour into each other without the funkiness.

[Shannon Brescher Shea]

I think so much of that forced scarcity in children and parenting is in the schools especially. What would it mean to challenge that in our schools so that all children can benefit?

[Shannon Brescher Shea]

“With some people and in some situations, watering was transactional. It had to be earned.” I think that transactional nature of relationships is so inherent to white supremacy. It’s this idea that you have to “prove” that you deserve respect that leads to white people expecting their Black friends to meet certain expectations that they wouldn’t put on their white friends.

[Rebecca McClinton]

<font size=”4″>I grew up with an abusive parent and another who was (understandably) significantly distracted by that abuse with their own pain. The later parent worked to water me well in spite of their pain, and did in many ways. I learned as a kiddo to forge out on my own, do my own thing, take care of myself. I was adulting at a very young age. That has contributed towards several different clenches for me in racial justice work, and parenting: valuing independence over community, overly-trusting my own durability instead of examining it, and offending from the victim position. </font>

<font size=”4″>As for who I water and who I don’t, I water current and previous foster kiddos (and those kiddos family’s), as a neighbor, mentor, aunt, and an employee working with those with chronic mental illness and other intersectionalities. I think where I have to be careful is not being a wok and getting so much on my plate that things turn into to do lists where relational ethics get disregarded. That also bumps back into both offending from the victim position and valuing independence over community. </font>

[Rebecca McClinton]

Returning to re-read in honor of Mrs. Debose’s birthday today. In reading Lace’s words again I’m struck by the gift of presence, of joining, and celebrating Lace that Mrs. Debose provided her. That felt sense of being with and being seen is so powerful. I’m specifically thinking on how I want to provide that to others in my interactions with them. It’s so easy to have a side conversation in my head (usually thinking about what I’m going to say next) instead of being with in fullness of heart.

[Shannon Brescher Shea]

“Along with love, there is an imperative to be seen and known. A love that takes into account the entire person, not just who stands before them, but the person they have the potential of becoming.” This is so important and powerful. I think in both friend relationships and parenting, white people in particular tend think that attention and affection are enough. But people need is deep respect from us as well. They need us to see and respect who they are and encourage them to be who they want to become. It’s not up to us to try to force them to be who we envision them to be.

” One of the magical elements of what we now know as Hesed is to find, with curiosity and grace, what the Other needs, and then offer it with relentless reliability.” This is so rooted in that respect. In listening. In providing space for them to speak and to be heard even when they don’t “say” anything.

I think this essay speaks so deeply to the power of true relationship and how that can (and is required to) change the world. Our systems cannot change if our relationships are rooted in disrespect and unequal power. That is why the work we do here is so important.

Who nurtured you as you were growing up?

My parents, as well as my church youth group leader. My church youth group leader was less important in the relationship with me (although he did embody so much of that respect and love) specifically so much as the space he created. He created and ran a community space that was the first space that I ever truly felt safe. I felt like I had found people who would like me for me and not judge my weirdness and awkwardness. This was essential when I was a teenager, as I had spent so much of my life struggling to make friends and find people who liked me for me. My youth group leader modeled this in a way that made it clear that this attitude of unconditional respect and love was what was expected and inspired teenagers to do it – which is quite an accomplishment.

Who should have but didn’t water you as a child, as a young adult?

I had a club advisor in high school who should have been a huge mentor and I wanted to be, but she really betrayed my trust my senior year of high school. As the editor in chief of my newspaper, I stood up for what I believed in and she yelled at and accused me of being dishonest in front of my entire staff. I could never, ever trust her after that, especially because she never apologized.

How did those individuals shape your ethos in healthy and unhealthy ways?

My parents taught me a deep respect for myself, despite being a weird kid who almost never fit in. My youth group leader taught me the power of creating inclusive spaces where people can feel safe and authentic. As a result, I had the strength to remove myself from places where people treated me – and other people – really bad and call them publicly out on it. My newspaper club advisor instilled a sense of cynicism in me that sometimes people you think will back you up or are trustworthy will betray you if they think you are making them look bad.

Who are you currently watering? Crucially, who are you *not*?

I’m definitely trying to water my own children, especially in the last year and a half as we’ve all been in the same house all the time. I’m trying to be available to our children in the neighborhood, although that’s definitely harder with COVID. I make our yard available as a safe space to play in, even if my kids don’t want to play at the time and will offer our home once COVID is over. A couple of the kids do come over regularly and I think know my husband and I are safe people to come to if they have an issue. (One of them even calls me “Mama Bear.”) But there are so many kids in our community who need that safe person and safe space that I know I am not serving and no one is serving.

[Author]

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