[Christin Spoolstra]

Miela requested we begin a conversation in Parenting forum about this post

Re-running this as the month end ask.

It’s old enough that most of you haven’t seen it. I ask that you read it and…

Posted by Lace on Race on Sunday, January 31, 2021

Discussion

[Emily Holzknecht]

I am coming to this discussion at the Parents table during the reflections after the attacks on Lace and the community after the announcements from the board. In this context, before I get to how I am thinking of this in relation to the parenting focus of this table, the part about patterns matter really jumps out. Holly’s used tactics that fit a familiar pattern of white behavior we have seen again and again at Lace on Race. They can’t be looked at in an individualist way just because she is a person of color. They have to be seen in the pattern of white supremacist behavior. I am also thinking about anyone who decided Lace’s methods are wrong before trying to learn more, without giving her the benefit of the doubt that she might know some things that they don’t or have good reasons behind what she is doing. I must catch myself before I assume that a Black woman doesn’t have good reasons behind what she is doing or why she is doing it.

How am I adding to react culture in my parenting?

What we model for our children will in part become their way of interacting with the world. Am I modeling giving things a brief glance, a react and then moving on without listening, reflection and deep engagement? Am I teaching them that a brief react is the same as taking action? Am I teaching them that when they hear about injustice, they should briefly express disagreement with it and then move on without trying to do anything about it?

As a preschool teacher, I had to break the habit of automatically telling children “good job” all the time and instead stop what I was doing to listen attentively to what they had to tell me about what they had made or to offer meaningful observations that showed I understood what they had done. I think when I am rushed, even though I am not parroting “good job”, I am still giving insubstantial reacts to what they have to tell me or show me. I am using business as a carveout to excuse insubstantial reacts.

I think far too often I discuss with my children something that is wrong with the world and we discuss that well…and then we move on without looking for how we are part of the same problem or to look for how we could be working to lessen or mitigate that harm. That is adding to react culture.

The patterns shown in the attached conversations are ones that show up a lot in parenting in general and in the parenting I do. I am thinking of the times I put more emphasis on how a child said something – whining, rudeness, elevated tones – than on what they are actually trying to tell me or tell their sibling. I have seen an alternative as being “Ouch, that was rude. You must really be upset! Tell me all about it.” That alternative acknowledges that the tone is not one that we normally want to choose, but then emphasizes the importance of the situation rather than getting distracted by tone. I do not use that alternative nearly enough.

Offering help is on Marlies’ list. I do think sometimes in parenting adults reframe a power-over move as “help”. For example, “It looks like you’re having trouble keeping your hands to yourself. Let me help you.” which actually means “I am going to physically restrain you.” If physical restraint is necessary in a parenting moment, we should be overt about it. We shouldn’t be reframing it as “help.”

The post is about offering help that wasn’t asking for and the offering of help carrying unspoken messages with it. I have been thinking about how I model service when my children are with me. Am I calling it “helping” which has a white savior connotation to it? Or am I calling it service? Am I explaining often enough how we benefit from an exploitative system and therefore a lot of what we have is actually wealth that is owed to others and that is sometimes why we are contributing?

I haven’t thought of how wanting to stand united relates to parenting yet.

Not answering the question asked, but answering what one wishes was asked… I think I weaponized evasive speech against my older child when she was younger. I regret that so much. She is a master at evasive speech now. We will both be working to unlearn that. Similarly nonapologies are a work in progress here.

[Jen Scaggs]

Really interesting insights, Emily. I can definitely relate to the “reacts” of parenting. I fall into that trap when I am too busy with other things to really stop and listen and just say, “Mmmm hmmm…” I have also been working on discussing injustices with my kids, like you say, but without action to mitigate the harm, what good is that? I’m having a hard time coming up with age appropriate ways to engage them in action at this point, though. Well, to be honest, I am probably not engaging in action enough myself, either, so that’s another issue.

[Emily Holzknecht]

I know there are a lot of resources out there about engaging in social justice/racial justice issues with children of all ages including very young ones. And examples too, organizations that are based around children taking action. We just have to engage with these resources.

Also, I don’t know what age your children are, but as a teacher of very young children, I don’t think it matters what age they are because I think any age of child can be part of the process of determining what could be done to mitigate harm and deciding to mitigate harm. We can even see babies do this. Like a baby might see another baby crying and offer that baby their own pacifier or something like that. If babies have ideas about mitigating harm, older kids do too. Of course as adults we want to be involved in the process so that the result is actually about mitigating harm rather than about building up our own white children’s self confidence and self esteem.

[Jen Scaggs]

Thanks, You are right. There are resources, but we must engage with them!

[Rebecca McClinton]

Similar to Emily above, I’m thinking about in parenting what and how I choose what I react to, and what I don’t. Looking at that through a racial justice lens, am I taking every opportunity as I parent to reflexively react to opportunity to teach and model? One kind of new ritual (not intentionally developed, just kind of happened) with our new foster placement is checking out the news together in the mornings as we get ready for work/school. I’m wanting to use that as an opportunity to specifically look at things through a racial and social justice lens together. I’m also thinking about how to teach those relational ethics pieces. Kiddo’s come to my home with significant trauma and challenges and all too easily I can weary them by overly focusing on prompting or instruction and not enough on relationship. I have a note taped to my bedroom door for when I leave it in the mornings, reminding me to focus on relationship and connection, not behavioral change, because kiddos are never going to be safe for others in their relationships without that piece (nor will their behavior change without it). If I can instill focus on relationship first they will be more likely to focus on the relational first in their interactions with people of color too. It’s a work in progress…I caught myself just this morning in that clench of focusing on the behavioral and had to walk myself back.

[Author]

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