[Jessie Lee]

Welcome to the Ability Inclusive table at the Lace on Race Café!

This table is a space where people with diverse abilities, disabilities, diagnoses (including self-diagnoses), and afflictions, whether physical, mental, or emotional/behavioral, will learn to transcend our various challenges and limitations together, *always* in service to our North Star.

Our challenges and limitations are pieces of our identities; they cannot be extracted from who we are. They affect how we engage with each other and with the material, as well as how we lessen and mitigate the harm endured by Black and brown people, perpetuated by white people and white supremacy.

Notice that above doesn’t say *if* we engage, and *if* we lessen and mitigate harm, but “how.” That’s deliberate.

We (your moderators, who will introduce ourselves more formally in a bit) believe deeply in our marrows that each and every one of you who chooses to sit down at this table has the capacity to see this mission through. Whether or not you do this work competently is NOT a question not of whether or not you can, but of whether or not you choose to learn how and of whether or not you will. Each of us absolutely can become relentlessly reliable and resilient in service to our North Star. We trust that by opting into this dining experience, you either believe this too, or if you do not believe it *yet*, you are taking responsibility for your own progress and actively seeking reasons to believe that you can and will indeed do this work reliably and well.

While we hope that you find this table an accessible, affirming, and empowering place to be, we also exhort you to remember who you are here to serve by taking a seat here. Sadly, disabled white women are capable of every bit as much damage and violence and flex as any other white person. This table is a place to name, confront, and counter that as much if not more than it is a place to come together and support each other in our day-to-day challenges and limitations. Ultimately, we are here to become safer for Black and brown people and to become “ground where [their] tired feet can rest.”

Whatever information you choose to disclose about your challenges and limitations is wholly up to you, and it must be remembered that disclosure should never be self-serving and primarily for your benefit, but always in service to our North Star. Immediately following any disclosure should be a thoughtful pivot to how you are leveraging/mitigating that affliction to serve our North Star.

As people with various afflictions ourselves, Lace, Julie, and I will be co-moderators of this group. We are so excited to get to know each other better and break bread together. In that spirit, we would love for you to share a bit about yourself, who you are and what brought you to this table, as well as any questions for us or your fellow dining companions.

Looking forward to all of the conversations that will unfold here over this beautiful meal.

• This discussion was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Jessie Lee. Reason: to add link to starters forums
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Jessie Lee.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Jessie Lee.
• This discussion was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Jessie Lee.

Discussion

[Jessie Lee]

Hello! I’m Jessie, and I am a neurodivergent teacher of neurodiverse high school students and young adults.

I have been active in Lace on Race since June 2020, after the murders of Breonna Taylor and George Floyd, prolific BLM protests, and escalation of the Coronavirus pandemic. I had so much dissonance and agitation that I knew I needed to act on but didn’t know yet how to take the first serious step. Serendipitously, one of my closest friends introduced me to Lace on Race. I read the Vox article where Lace was interviewed, and the first step became abundantly clear: I had to start doing my internal work.

One part of that has involved confronting and rooting out my supremacist white woman pattern of flexing my afflictions (adhd, depression, and anxiety disorders) by using them as a cover, excuse, or reason that people should temper their expectations of me. I am here to continue that work in community (grow in) and learn how to leverage my power as a neurodiverse white woman in service to Black and brown people (grow out).

• This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Jessie Lee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  Jessie Lee. Reason: To correct an error- groups are neurodiverse, not single people

[Julie Helwege]

Thank you, Jessie, for welcoming us and the introduction. I’m looking forward to participating in the group for several different reasons – one, I was recently diagnosed with high anxiety and insomnia and am currently taking medication. I know that I’ve been living with anxiety since a young age, but any mental health issue was always squashed in my family. I rubbed dirt on all sorts of things instead and bucked up those tears and constant edginess.

I was turning 40 years old and realized I needed help. I started to see a therapist and took a lot of positive steps forward. Then, I was introduced to Lace on Race for similar reasons Jessie named above, and I started to learn and understand my own anxiety compared to those oppressed. I sat with it and started walking harder and faster.

Learning how to hold my slosh and lessen harm to BIPOC perpetuated by me has been life changing. As I walk more safely, and hold my own hand and bucket, my stress and anxiety looks different. How I hold others and love durably looks different too.

I am also a recruiting director in my day job, and diversity hiring is a front of mind focus forward me this year. I am looking forward to spending time in this community to listen and receive feedback surrounding ability inclusive recruiting strategies.

I don’t have any questions to add at this time. I look forward to getting to know each of you better!

[Kelsi Watters]

Hello and blessings to what appears to be a small and intimate group for now, though it may expand in the future. My heart is full.

Those of you who know me, are probably already aware that I am totally blind. I have been blind since birth due to a condition of my optic nerves. I spent the first three months of my life very sick in the hospital. Just when my family was getting ready to say good-bye to me, the doctors diagnosed me in the nick of time. I try to navigate through lifewith determination, compassion and empathy, and courageenough to take leapsof faith and dive into the deep waters of new, life-long challenges. That is what following the Northstar is to me – a new, life-long challenge to lessen and mitigate the harm endured by black and brown people perpetuated by me, as a daily practice that I live out. I have to be careful not to make the mistake of not using my disability as an excuse, or doing this work out of a desire to belong, to immerse myself in a community that understands what it is like to navigate a world in which you are treated differently and marginalized. If my disability is to be a unique strength in this work, then for me, that means learningffhold others well, channeling my sensitivity for inclusion by always pivoting to race, and listening empatheticallyffothers’ stories.

I look forward to this beautiful meal and I hope to be able to nurture and hold others well, and contribute, just as my mind and spirit are nourished in this space. (And, if you need any help chopping any vegetables … yes, I can handle hot pans and knives!) I know a lot of the meal prep is designated to chef’s table and that was an analogy, but in all seriousness, many people would never imagine that I am capable of preparing food. “You mean you use a hot stove, and you use sharp knives?? A steak knife?? WHAAT?” But I can handle it. I do not desire to be treated with kid gloves in my life as a non-sighted person, and the same goes for this work, too. My disability does not prevent me from having internalized white supremacy, and it should not mean that I cannot handle the feedback or challenge, either. I wantffembrace every challenge and every lumpy crossing not only as an opportunity for growth, but also as part of my walk toward the Northstar.

[Julie Helwege]

Thank you for sharing – I’m so glad I get to spend more time with you in this community, Kelsi. I can’t wait to chop some vegetables and cook a mighty fine meal with you.

[Jessie Lee]

Nice to “meet” you, Kelsi. I appreciate what you said about not doing this work out of a desire to belong. I feel that temptation too sometimes and I have to remind myself that, as Lace said in one of her videos, “the lipstick is not for me.” I can hold two things at once: that this work has changed my life for the better and it’s okay to enjoy that, but also that I must always pivot to race. Looking forward to walking together.

[Lacey Lipe]

Thank you for that warm welcome, Jessie. And thank all of you for your very personal disclosures and your welcome to this group.

I probably have several diagnoses, but the one that has been the most difficult to navigate is c-ptsd.

I’ve had it since infancy is what is my doctors’ best and most likely assumption based on the evidence- and I’ve never known a time when I did not have it, although I did not always know that there was a name for what was going on in my mind.

Until several years ago I was able to do what I heard recently described by a mentor of mine as “functionally dissociate” where I could continue to maintain myself during meetings and important tasks without even the people who are closest to me noticing that I had “checked out”.

Recently, when that happens, I seem to do what could be best described as opening random “files” at the moment of dissociation; a dissociation which is triggered when my brain perceives trauma (which may or may not be trauma- it can be something as innocuous as a traffic light or a particular color… I never know); then my mind closes that folder and lose access to all that just happened- indefinitely.

I am working through this to keep myself from becoming activated or, when I’m dissociated, to continue being able to function according to my praxis and to settle myself the best that I can. Because I, as an older white woman, could safely put myself between a cop and a Black or brown person. I must be able to have the volition, the agency, and the wherewithal to do so at all times- regardless of whether or not I have been activated.

My focus continues to be on lessening and mitigating the harm endured by Black and brown people that is perpetuated by white people- including me, with no carve outs.

I am 55 years old and have been seeing for several years on my phone a notification that I’m overdue for a routine mammogram. I have no family history and I would have noticed a lump, so I scheduled my first ever mammogram before Christmas.

Two days before Christmas I got a call to go back in for a second mammogram, which I did- they also took me back for an ultrasound. I was scheduled for a biopsy for two masses that showed up during the ultrasound. I found out last week: They are both cancer.

I met with the oncology surgeon who sent me for an MRI and to meet with the chemo doctor, but before she set up chemo she informed me of a third mass that was unexpectedly found during the MRI- and which wasn’t located near the original two masses (which the oncology doc thought were possibly communicating or were reading as one large mass- hence the MRI).

I have several appointments in the next few weeks. My biggest concerns were not being able to afford to be sick and having the energy to do this work, things which I have expressed to those in my inner circle (as “inner” as it gets with Covid).

I hope that in the next 200-400 years this work will have been done by enough ancestors that it will finally be made equitable and that no one else will have to be more worried about paying for being sick than they are about their actual sickness (which I know is much more fraught in Black and brown communities with justified distrust of the medical community, medical racism, *lack of representation, lack of access (due to transportation and to location of neighborhood facilities), denial of necessary treatment, institutional poverty, the impact of racist housing policies, etc. etc. etc..).

In the meantime, I’m still committed to walking and being reliable and resilient.

I am pivoting to race and considering whether or not I would have gotten either of these diagnoses in time to save my life if I were a Black woman living in my same circumstance/situation. I would not have.

*due to institutional racism within the education system

[Julie Helwege]

Oh Lacey, my heart goes out to you. You will be on my mind and in my prayers. I appreciate your walking here and that we are in this community together.

We hold well here, and I hope you feel support and love all around you.

[Jessie Lee]

Oh Lacey… thank you for sharing. I am humbled by your walk and relentless pivot to race in the midst of carrying this heavy burden. Like Julie said, we will hold you well. There’s absolutely a difference between weaponizing diagnoses and leaning on friends to help you walk through them. I hope you feel like you can do the latter here while still doing this work in service to our North Star. Looking forward to knowing you better, holding you well, and walking alongside you toward our North Star.

[Jennifer Crane (she/her)]

Thinking of you and sending love, Lacey. I assume you’ve gotten biopsy results by now.

[Jessie Lee]

Hi Lacey,

Just wanted to reach out because you were on my mind this morning. How are you feeling? How has your treatment been going (if you are inclined to share)? Sending love to you. Let us know how we can hold you well…

[Kelsi Watters]

Hi, it’s Kelsi here! I wanted to share an experience that happened to me today. I’m not even sure if this is the appropriate place to share so if not I will respect that. However, it brought up some questions for me that relate to the work that we are doing in this space. So here was my experience.

I work at a large hospital in Charlotte as a chaplain. As I mentioned in my welcome, I am totally blind, and (most of the that), pretty independent. This morning, I was preparing to walk to the escalators, a straight-forward route for me except for the minor obstacles I encounter with my body and cane. one of our teammates doing COVID screening at the front (we’ll call her Sylvia) said to the other teammate (whom I will call Katie), “Walk her to the escalators”. I was taken aback that Sylvia would speak about me as if I was not there, and order someone to “walk me” instead of treating me with dignity and respect by asking me directly if I wanted help. I said to Katie, “Oh, thank you, I’m good”. Sylvia said, “She says that, but she always runs into things. Walk with her.” I had already started walking when Katie, whom I think felt bad, caught up to me and said she would walk with me to the escalator. I said, “I run into signs but that’s what my cane is for! Sylvia needs to learn!” I then got on the escalator, feeling feeling the famipiar hurt and frustration, humiliation and lack of dignity, asqciated with a microaggression. To my surprise, my frustration expressed itself in tears that I hid with my PPE and surreptitiously dabbed with a napkin so my chaplain colleagues wouldn’t see. My colleague who worked with me that day was someone I trusted enough to confide in, but she was experiencing her own profoundly deep grief after the recent death of her beloved friend (our chaplain colleague). So, I’m still trying to figure out how to hold her well because everyone experiences grief differently.

But I wanted someone to hold me. And I knew that few people would understand how frustrated, violated, humiliated, and voiceless I felt. It’s a deep, soul level pain that only those who experience microaggressions can understand.

I want to claim my power and agency in this experience by using it to orient myself toward the North Star, in a few ways. First, my colleague (a POC) and I promised each other that we would speak out if we witnessed discriminatory experiences. Second, I continue to ask myself, How can I hold others well when they have experienced a microaggression? How can I truly abide with you in the space of your pain, a space that most people are tempted to throw a Band-Aid over because they are uncomfortable. All the while, being mindful not to overgeneralize or center my experience when abiding with the other.

I am still surprised that an experience that would normally make me want to cuss, resulted in tears this morning. We have been discussing tears quite a bit in the posts lately. I am asking myself, Were my tears a sign of impotence, or were they galvanizing? Were they the result of everything building up, or were these tears part of the work?

Even in this, I recognize that my ability to surreptitiously cry in this moment was a privilege. The fact that I was not grabbed as I often am was a blessing. And, I have to remind myself that this happened because everybody sees me as a sweet, white blind lady whom they want to help. What would this experience have looked like if I was a blind POC? How could I see this experience through the lens of the NorthStar? How could my experience of marginalization as a person with a disability be a tool that helps me orient toward the NorthStar, and how might it be weaponized?

Again, I’m not certain that I’m asking the right queries. I’m not certain if this is the appropriate space to engage this. But, honestly, I’m wrestling with two seemingly conflicting desires – on one hand, to just be held by a community who knows how to hold others well comand on the other hand, to use this experience as a constructive way to orient me toward the NorthStar.

[Julie Helwege]

Kelsi, holding you hard right now. BIG VIRTUAL HUGS. This is absolutely the place to share and discuss; I appreciate your vulnerability and cleaving to this community.

I’m impressed with how you handled the situation, how you are still holding others, while also needing to be held.

In being harmed, you were still able to use your experience to address ways to stand with each other moving forward, while also uncentering and connecting more deeply to being less harmful and much safer to BIPOC. You were able to still focus on the Other; I am humbled and inspired by you. My Praxis is strengthening right now because of you.

You were harmed and shed tears, there is nothing fragile about those tears. We all have to work through pain and anger, and you held your bucket well. You faced discrimination and are here now teaching others. I need to listen and follow you when it comes to your experience and be less harmful and much safer accordingly.

I can locate myself in trying to help when being directed and harming instead (white saviorism comes to mind or “I know best,” the being right losing strategy that always perpetuates more harm). I’m rooting and weeding. I can also see how this experience could be even harsher for a Black or Brown woman. Thank you for walking with me.

This also reminds me of Lace’s recent post on afflictions. I can locate myself in grieving a loved one and being so caught up in my own pain that I miss the opportunity to stand with and for equity. Not okay. The North Star always has to be front and center because even my right to grieve openly is a privilege others don’t have.

I hope the woman who harmed you by demanding you need assistance is called in for her behavior and course corrects.

I’m going to read through your questions again and come back, if there’s anything additional to add.

Much love, Kelsi, you are on my heart and mind. Walking right next to you.

[Jessie Lee]

I’m thinking too about this privilege to grieve openly and to trust that others will have compassion rather than weaponize my grief against me. We’ve seen Lace’s grief weaponized by cowardly white women on twitter. Would that be the case if she was white? I don’t think so. I know when I first started engaging in Lace on Race, I did not believe anti blackness to be a part of my psyche, much less a driver of my behavior. I wanted to believe that my liberal ideology was mutually exclusive with anti blackness, and I would imagine the same is true for ostensibly liberal people who say they want racial equity but in the same breath weaponize Black grief to maintain power over. I have to call that what it is when I see it and be prepared for a potentially explosive, defensive reaction to follow more times than not. It’s not about rooting out anti blackness for another person, but rather naming it and leaving that responsibility to them as I go back to my own responsibility to keep rooting and weeding. And showing the Black women in my life that I am a safe place for them to grieve openly.

[Kelsi Watters]

Julie, thank you for your words. I do feel you all holding me and I so appreciate it. I gues focusing on the Other in the midst of my own challenges, my pain or my experience of being harmed, is a continued area of growth for me – sometimes I do better than others. As a spiritual care provider it is part of my training and praxis to focus on the Other. It can be a difficult balance, to know when and where it’s okay to ask to be held, to acknowledge my pain while also focusing on the other – and how to use my experience as a tool for uncentering and standing with others. I have had many harmful experiences of saviorism, but even so, that does not necessarily prevent me from leaning toward white saviorism. When I find myself leaning toward saviorism, I step back and consind myself of the deeply harmful, alienating impact it has – which, as you said, is even harsher for black and brown people.

My colleague who was working with me is a woman of color, someone I trust and deeply care about. I told her briefly about the incident but did not share the full extent of my pain because I could tell just how difficult it was for her heart and body to be at work where she was constantly reminded of our colleague who passed away a few weeks ago. I have been honored to hold space for her, and often wondered if she felt she has to be strong because of the societal expectation that WOC be strong even in the midst of unspeakable pain. So you are so right when you say that grieving openly is a privilege. Thank you for your insight and for walking with me.

[Julie Helwege]

And I agree on the “both and” – holding, while being held. I do think you could have been held better by your work colleagues today – others should have uncentered to stand with and support you.

[Christina Sonas]

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience with us. I appreciate the detailed modeling of shifting to the perspective of the North Star to discover what might be there. I’m hardly leaving the house these days, but I may be having more experiences than I realize where I can do that same thing. Your post also brought to my attention that I have, I think, swung too far away from acknowledging my shared humanity with BIPOC. By that, I mean that I have been very careful not to center myself in the experiences of Black and brown people, and I think am walking in a space of complete separation which isn’t a good thing either. I know myself to be a person of intense “negative” emotions in the anger-sorrow-frustration categories; I struggle with emotional overwhelm and often choose detachment in order to avoid it. You carried your own experience into your antiracism work and I think you really hit the mark with how you did so. I want to be able to emulate that, and so I need to practice more. My detachment will certainly be hurtful to any Black or brown person who encounters it. Much love to you, Kelsi.

[Jessie Lee]

You articulated very well what I was also thinking about detachment and separation. When all of my focus is on avoidance of centering myself, that becomes harmfully me-centered too, even as I’m telling myself it’s focused on reducing harm to the BIPOC I’m engaging with. Like you said (and I was typing at the same time, ha), it’s a denial of shared humanity. I’m thinking of it as like a transactional approach to relationships– the goal becomes to keep my self-centering at 0 rather than to cultivate a mutually beneficial and loving relationship.

[Kelsi Watters]

Jessie Lee, I had never thought of it this way but what you said really resonates with me. First, to always focus on not centering myself is actually centering myself, so then the impact is the opposite of my intent. I wonder if sometimes my fear of overidentifying (thus centering my experience and taking away a POC’s voice), sometimes leads me to the unintentional denial of shared humanity. It is a risk, in a relationship, to allow yourself to be held as well as to hold the other. Sometimes Ithink I’m better at holding the other than I am at expressing my need to be held. When I do allow myself to be held, I want the holding to be mutual … because there is a deep, abiding love in mutually holding one another.

[Kelsi Watters]

Christina, I really like what you said about acknowledging our shared humanity. This is an area that has really been a struggle for me. It’s a difficult balance, because on one end of the continuum is detachment, on the other end is is overidentification – so I guess it’s inthe center that we find that shared humanity. Both detachment and overidentification can be hurtful. Detachment can be hurtful because to a POC it probably feels like indifference to their pain, pain that white supremacy has created in the first place – or a refusal to see and hear them. On the other hand, overidentification may be an qtempt to walk with a POC but is actually white-centered, takes away their voice and is also alienating and harmful. When I first began this work, I often made the mistake of overidentifying. Myapproach was, “We are both marginalized, we have this deep-seated painful experience in common, I can sort of understand how you feel”. it is true that I share aspects of the overarching experience of being marginalized with POC. I know what it is like to be “the only one” in the room. My diversity is on the outside for the whole world to see. I know how it feels to navigate a world where I am treated as different or other, and experience discrimination because of it. BUT … I experience all of this as a non-sighted white woman, whose intersectionality 1and experiences are different from those of POC; I do not carry the weight of 400 years of racial oppression or trying to survive in a country rooted in white supremacy.

So, maybe where I may exhibit that shared humanity with POC, is by using my experience to empathically connect and learn to be a safer, less harmful person, while also holding space to listen and be present with them on their journey. Thank you for your love and support. I feel it.

[Jessie Lee]

Kelsi, thank you for trusting us with this hurtful experience. I second Julie in saying that this is an appropriate place to share. We are here both to hold each other well and to pivot to race, as you did here.

I think… it’s reasonable and important to want to be held at the same time you’re contemplating how best to hold another, particularly a woman of color you’re in relationship with. That is something I’ve been learning in our Leadership Team chat– holding is a two-way street. If I am only doing the holding and not allowing myself to be held, I’m not operating relationally… I’m taking a top-down stance that denies shared humanity with the other person.

I keep turning your queries over in my mind, which I think are so important-

“How can I truly abide with you in the space of your pain, a space that most people are tempted to throw a Band-Aid over because they are uncomfortable. All the while, being mindful not to overgeneralize or center my experience when abiding with the other.”

I would love to hear your continued reflections as you try to answer these for yourself.

“What would this experience have looked like if I was a blind POC? How could I see this experience through the lens of the NorthStar? How could my experience of marginalization as a person with a disability be a tool that helps me orient toward the NorthStar, and how might it be weaponized?”

I think these queries are the crux of this group’s existence, to be honest with you, and I’d absolutely welcome your thoughts. I’m going to be thinking through them myself as someone who can easily mask my neurodiversity.

Thanks again for prompting this discussion. What do others think? How might our own afflictions be tools to orient ourselves toward the North Star, and how might they be weaponized?

[Kelsi Watters]

Hi again Jessie…. I keep going back to what you said about holding as a two-way street. I have been doing some work and reflection around this myself, particularly in relationship with women of color. To be honest, I’m still trying to figure out answers to my own queries. I suspect I will not accomplish this tonight, but I am going to keep reflecting with you all. I appreciate each one of you and the insight you have all brought to enrich this discussion. It has been transformative for me. It does not erase the pain of a harmful experience, but for me, sharing it with this community, being held and also gaining insight from your reflections on how I can hold others (particularly POC) well, is where the healing takes place. I think your insights also expanded my vision for how I could use this experience to point me toward the NorthStar.

Regarding my first query (how I can abide with the other in their pain while not centering my experience) – well, I think the answer at least partially lies in our discussions around shared humanity. There was a great deal of wisdom in that. I am certain this type of experience would be doubly painful for a POC because of the multiple and more deep-seated layers of oppression. Throughout this discussion, I have been focusing on how to use my experience as a tool to orient toward the NorthStar. However, I could weaponize my experience by slipping into the role of a white victim, asking POC to take care of me, shedding white tears and bringing pity and kindness upon myself because I’m the poor, blind white lady, expecting to be held while not holding the other, or using my disability as an excuse not to confront my white privilege.

[Julie Helwege]

I’ll echo too that in this space today, we were able to hold both things at once – your pain and harm, while still focusing on the harm that BIPOC face because of our privilege.

I like that you pointed out not asking. Being ask to be held (or for help) is HARD, I find. I like that you are reflecting on how you can ask to be held sooner than later. And we all have to give each other the chance, that opportunity to shift focus and uncenter. To pivot.

Sometimes my pride or insecurity or lack of trust get in the way. But it’s an important part of self-care and love and necessary in holding my slosh and being in deep relationship. The more I hold in, the more that seeps out – oh, and I’m going to harm when I’m “seeping.”

We’ll keep walking and learning together. I don’t have immediate answers to your queries either, but my ears are turned up, and I look forward to continued discussion.

[Jessie Lee]

Hey again, Kelsi 🙂 Reading your queries again, I’m reminded of the pinned posts in that I think there will be much value in revisiting them again and again.

I’m thinking again about what abiding deeply with the other looks like. When I am uncomfortable after someone has revealed their pain to me, my reflexive response is to word vomit the first supportive thing I can think of and jump into fixing mode. It’s occurring to me that when I do this, I’m reacting to the person’s pain without seeing and hearing the person themselves.

The more time I spend in this community, the more I’m learning through experience that to be loved (with the hesed kind of love, not the Hallmark kind) means to be seen, heard, and known in full. Maybe empathy isn’t as critical as I’ve been thinking it is. Maybe my holding another well can be as simple as just giving them my full attention and resisting the urge to rescue them from hardship or relate their experiences to my own.

[Jessie Lee]

Kelsi, I really appreciate your example of using a time you’ve been harmed as a way to orient and reorient yourself to our North Star.

I’ve been thinking over the last 24 hours how I might do that. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far… I need to build a habit of pivoting to race after experiencing a particular hardship related to disability/mental health. Like you said, there are multiple and more deep-seated layers of oppression for people of color with the same afflictions I have (or anyone close to me has). I can go a step further after acknowledging that; I can turn it into action.

I can learn more about disparities related to that particular challenge and advocate. In the support groups that I participate in, I can pay closer attention to who is missing and direct my efforts toward ensuring that people of color have access to the same supports that I do. I can seek out and engage financially with direct giving campaigns for people of color with disabilities and mental health challenges. In mentoring new teachers, I can engage in conversations about intersectionality between race and disability, how that manifests in our classrooms, and how we are responding. There are so many ways I can act that draw on my experiences, skillset, and spheres of influence.

[Jennifer Crane (she/her)]

Kelsi, I can only imagine how frustrating–and frustration sometimes comes out as tears–it is to be erased and violated in this way. As other physically disabled people have helped me understand, even speaking up for oneself in situations like that is fraught because you never know how violent someone’s response will be. It sounds like you did not have to fear a violent response in this scenario and for that I’m grateful–unrecognized fear can also come out as tears fwiw. I think you are right to pivot to race. Black disabled folks have shown me that they always have to assume that objecting to “helpful” ableds can have violent consequences. Is it possible that, as white disabled people, it’s our responsibility to address ableism like you experienced here as a way to lessen harm to Black and brown people by the same arms of white supremacy? A friend of mine with CP who uses mobility aids is open about the fact that she has, at times, had to resort to white supremacy to escape harm. It’s hugely motivating to her in fighting ableism because she knows her Black friends with CP do not have that privilege. They are at increased risk of interpersonal and state violence and even death if they object to being erased and violated.

I have noticed a tendency among white women, especially the white women in progressive circles, to make assumptions and preemptively determine people’s accommodation needs. I just lost a friendship over it actually. From the other person’s point of view, she is “protecting” me from conversations I find difficult and triggering by cutting me out of group text convos. From my point of view, she is defensive and preemptively protecting herself from being called out on issues of fatismia and ableism. (The fact that she has grown in antiracism work this year is little solace because she refuses to see the connections between racism, ableism, and white feminism). The problem isn’t that I may need to take a step back from some conversations while I build muscles (which would be my choice), the problem is that she made that decision for me (which was her choice). I haven’t quite fleshed this all out but I suspect there is a lesson here in learning how to see eye to eye. Applying this to your relationship with your Black colleague–have you asked her what she needs right now? Or are you assuming that she can’t hold you while you hold her? In the early months of grieving my first husband’s death, the people who held me best were the ones who could ask what I needed instead of assume, give me specifics of how they could help instead of saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” who let me continue to participate in their lives instead of trying to protect me, and who let ME make the decisions about what I was and wasn’t capable of doing/feeling.

[Kelsi Watters]

Hi Jennifer, I’m sorry I did not see this earlier and respond to you – but I appreciate your examples. I can imagine the situation with your friend was painful and frustrating, too. Regarding your friend with CP, I wonder how and where I’ve used white supremacy to avoid being violated…. Yes, you are right, white women often make assumptions about what people need rather than asking. I know I’ve been guilty of doing this, even though you would think I would be more attuned to not doing so because I know how it feels to have assumptions made about me. So yes, with my colleague, asking what she needs is the better way to go – rather than saying “let me know what you need”. At the same time, that is a difficult question to answer. Sometimes people ask me the same question, and I have a sense that I don’t really know but I really want to let them in….

This week has been particularly rough for me. I’ve been feeling extremely raw, and emotional, yet I don’t know whether I can fully attribute that to the series of stressful/somewhat painful events that occurred. So the questions I’m asking myself: How do I hold my bucket with a steady hand if I’m feeling weak inside? How do I make sure not to center my feelings even if I’m feeling raw? I’m not sure if I need to be held, or toughened up, or both, but I do know I have trouble asking for what I need and with perfectionism. We could have a really fun conversation about how those might relate to white supremacy.

[Jennifer Crane (she/her)]

Hi all! I am a multiply disabled person whose disabilities are mostly invisible. I began to understand and embrace this identity over the last five years after I started staying home with my kid. Parenting and racial justice work has shown me my limitations in surprising ways and really spurred the work of excavating “can’ts” and “won’ts.” Some of the can’ts, I’ve been surprised to discover are actually won’ts, like some depression and anxiety issues. Some, I’ve been aggrieved to discover may be can’ts, like the migraine days when my cognitive processing is severely impacted and I can’t language well enough to participate at LoR. Others are in between or require intervention–when my kid was a toddler and easily contained in a stroller, we walked 20 mile a day marches and delivered constituent letters to Congress members. Foot deformities made me stop and I have since had two surgeries so that I can do those kinds of things again and, ya know, walk without pain. I’ve also gotten a new therapist to work on some depression and anxiety issues that are getting in my way.

I’m fortunate that my disability yoda steered me toward disabled and neurodivergent Black and brown folks from the very beginning of my journey. So I have trouble even separating the issues of ableism and racism–they are branches of the same white supremacist tree choking us all. Our failure, as white disabled people, is in trying to make any kind of progress that leaves behind the most vulnerable of us–the ones most likely to experience violence–Black and brown disabled folks. Disabled white folks are well positioned to understand white supremacy in a way abled folks often don’t. It’s up to us to choose whether we take that knowledge and work towards reducing harm to Black and brown people or whether we retreat under the harmful protection of white supremacy.

[Dee (Dalina) Weinfurtner]

I have been wondering whether or not to post here the past several months as I struggle to become relentlessly reliable and to ultimately following the guidelines more closely. I have a diagnosis of ADHD, but I believe I could be on the Autism Spectrum as my 2 boys (3 and 5) are both diagnosed Autistic as well. I struggle with organizing my time and creating routines and also executive function as well as having a hard time with reading comprehension and then wrtten expression. I definitely have a hard time figuring out where my neurodiversity ends and white supremacy-influenced thoughts begin. I want to keep trying to figure out a way to become relentlessly reliable.

[Julie Helwege]

Hi Dee,

Welcome! We walk alongside each other here as each of us manages “slosh” that we carry (one of mine is anxiety). Holding our own buckets is part of the work.

I would encourage that you won’t know where your neurodiversity ends and white supremacy begins until you start engaging and commenting on the curated material here. The “Starters” are a great place to start.

This space requires that we put ourselves out there and choose vulnerability, and you will find that we hold each other well as this daily practice and abiding with each other builds durable love. It’s not about getting it right or being perfect, it’s about doing the work. And if you’re not doing the work and rooting out white supremacy, you’re potential to cause harm is high. You can’t be relentlessly reliable without engaging.

I hope to see your regular comments – we’re glad your here.

[Author]

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