I have been talking about and teasing you with Terry Real for awhile now. We have shared some of his memes from his Relational Life Institute.
Terry works in the dyadic; with couples. I have long thought, and it has been a foundational piece of the Relational Ethics that we have brought to you all, that many elements of his work can be brought to bear on the work that we do here.
What is necessary though, is that we are able to sort of trick our minds with his work for the purposes of race–and it is a mindf–k indeed.
Stay with me.
Terry Real talks about shame and grandiosity. He posits, and I agree, that women come into relationships and behave within them from a position of toxic shame (we will be talking about the difference between clean shame and toxic shame as we go deeper into T. Real). That’s not new, particularly. Often in the literature talking about shame, they talk about the polar opposite with men; that they are always acting from the place of grandiosity. Terry Real, however, talks about cycles; that men cycle through toxic shame and grandiosity, sometimes inhabiting *both at the same time*. The way that shame is displayed is different for men and women, and patriarchy locks down this toxic dance.
Now let’s pivot to race. Because I want this firmly in mind as you encounter the audio below.
As you confront this in the audio, I want you to swap in *white women as men* as you consider how they relate to women of color; particularly with black women. For now, for the sake of ease, and to allow you to familiarize yourself with this and internalize it, we are going to keep the focus on the dyadic of white women/black women, because interactions with non black people of color flow from this binary; how they are treated by white women; and how non black people of color in turn treat black women.
For now, I am also leaving out men. The principle holds for them too, but we can come back to that.
So, okay, white women. Dealing with toxic shame in their relationships with men, both individually and collectively in society as a whole, have a lot stored up. Patriarchy can fill up a bucket hella fast.
Where does it go?
Here is where I come in, with my contribution to Terry’s amazing work.
It sloshes onto people of color.
White women keep the shame, but bind it and ‘manage’ it by welding grandiosity onto it, and directing and displacing it to black women. It is, like with men, something of a release valve.
That’s enough for now, to introduce you to this material. I can’t wait for your responses.
Sustainers will, as their Extra, receive the transcript of this audio, along with my commentary pivoting to race.
This is the Season of Terry. Let’s do this.
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