It’s a little bit cooler here in San Diego at 3am, I have slept for a bit, and have digested and processed some bad news, so it’s my turn to slow down, moderate and modulate myself, and return to this gathering time. This will be in two parts, so as to not go over the limit.
If the people who have displayed unfortunate behavior since Marlise opened her kitchen for coffee are gone, they are gone.
Again, one thing I have decided not to do, in service to my own liberation as a black woman leading what can be a difficult space indeed is to cajole or entice white people–actually, anyone regardless of how they identify– to remain and do work that they say is important.
A story. About a decade ago, I was in relationship with a person who broke up with me. Brought me all the way across town so that they could deliver a message. Welp. I didn’t let them. I thought there was potential, and I used all of my persuasiveness to change their mind. It worked. Yay, right?
Not so much. The relationship was never the same. We never talked about what had happened for them to make the move in the first place, and no change occurred in either of us; we just played out the same patterns that ultimately doomed the relationship in the first place. In hindsight, I should have thanked them, found a nice place in North Park with a decent Red, processed the lesson, and moved on. Instead, a year was essentially wasted.
I tell you all this story because I have found myself doing the same with people here who have made murmurings or outright declarations to leave–or if not bail outright, to exit a conversation upon which their growth hinges, like it does here with the people who demanded what they felt entitled to these past few days.
I have spent hours cajoling and enticing people to remain and do the work that they themselves acknowledge that they need to do, hours that took away from the limited (I have to do my desk job, it’s what keeps Lace on Race alive; I have to sleep; I can’t always eat as well as type) hours I have to do this work. It took gobs of time from Marlise and Claire as well, processing with me in chat so as to have the best possible outcome here, and the time it took to process with you.
So, in sum, it is a net loss for me, and for the community, when we focus on the people who want to truncate their growth, refuse responsibility for said growth, and prematurely and unilaterally end a process that is unambiguously *for their benefit*.
No more.
Even here, especially here-no reacts.