I wrote this in response to Julie’s recent April Ask where she asked “How do you think anxiously awaiting final numbers each month feels for Lace?”
I know a piece of how it feels for Lace each month because she tells us. She tells us it feels like an indictment on her when the numbers are low. She tells us that she is sometimes afraid she made a mistake to retire – because of the “what if’s” that are a result of the unreliability of white folks. She tells us that at times the fears are a barrier to her creative flow and at other times, she has to adopt a “fuck it” attitude, because she knows she is doing what is right. And yet, that fuck it attitude can only last so long, before fear or anxiety grow once again.
I would love for Lace’s income to always be assured; and for the organization to not only meet all of our current commitments but to expand and grow in the ways that we serve others. I’m sure many of the other regular sustainers here long for that as well. To my knowledge, we don’t have anyone in the community with the means to single handedly make that happen.
As a community though, we are powerful. I wonder sometimes what the lurkers who don’t engage (financially or otherwise) are thinking.
Before finding this community, my view of community has often been something along the lines of “oh, someone else will respond to that question / meet that need.” Community in the past for me has often meant a way to pull away from people. The larger the community, the easier I can hide there. I will get “credit” for my attendance and yet have no responsibility at all.
When it comes to this community at Lace on Race, if I can comfortably read here about budget deficits and shortfalls and still think “someone else will meet that need” – what drives that?
Lace has said it’s because we don’t want her living *too* well. I used to think that wasn’t it. How could that be it? But the more I ponder this unhealthy idea of community where I can become calloused as I assume others are stepping up already, the more I realize what Lace says IS at the root of that.
When we think as a society about meeting the needs of others, we always think in terms of ‘enough’. What is enough? How much is too much? If I can see from the comments that at least x number of people are responding to the asks, I can assume that the org is getting “enough” (as defined by my comfort). Why should I sacrifice? Wouldn’t Lace then have “too much”?
That’s the wrong view from so many angles. If I’m speaking from a competitive stance in not wanting Lace to do better than I am financially, I’m wielding a tool of white supremacy. If I’m holding myself apart from the work that this community is doing by thinking the engagement of others is enough, I’m wielding my individuality as a tool of white supremacy. I can dehumanize Lace by either putting her on a pedestal, confident she can work miracles even with just a piece of her budget, or by holding her or her work as ‘less than’ and thinking whatever she gets is definitely plenty – rather than desiring to walk alongside my friend and mentor and work and walk together.
This is what we get with white supremacy. Competition, individualism, manipulations and maneuvers – always trying to get ahead. I wonder what it takes to get buy-in? To get people who aren’t yet in that place to see that *each thread* is needed to weave the complete tapestry. To see that our potential as a community only increases as we begin to move together and bring ourselves to the table.
I hope that as we live out community boldly and beautifully here – eyes always focused on our North and Western Stars, that you who are watching in the shadows will see this and want to experience true community as well.
Return to (or join us in) the Bistro for discussion!
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