Hello, M Boe Flores here, one of the admin at Lace on Race. We need to have a chat. Consider it coffee with Marlise. Hello, nice to meet you. Okay, pleasantries aside, we need to have a serious conversation about reacts, the help we as ww offer, and how both are patterns of a larger behavior of our white culture.
First, let’s address reacts, and the typical response from us ww to those admonitions. Lace has written extensively on why she sets the no react rule. Extensively. So much so that I need to make a new header in the pinned post specifically for the no react posts she has written. I recently responded in the comments section to a couple of these posts with a frustrated, but pointed direction for ww to walk. Guess whose comment got reported? That tells me that this react issue is NOT an outlier. It is a microcosm of the greater issue. I will tell you right now that my comment did not focus on those continuing to use the react button. Nope. I wrote to those that keep responding with their solutions, their alternatives, and their own frustration at THOSE NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES. Oh, see that subtle base frustration of ww? Rule following. Hold onto that.
So, today alone, we received multiple private messages (along with the normal flow of responses in comments) from well meaning white people who wanted to help, who felt they could offer some direction and guidance in bringing those react-button-people into community. Lots of hand wringing and surprise at those still continue to push the react button and not follow the rules.
Do you want to help? Respect the no react request, and then keep engaging deeper. Understand that affirming your support here means going to the other posts and affirming support there. It means engaging deeply on every post, not just avoiding the thumbs up button.
Have you engaged on the Relational Ethics series? Gone through the entirety of the pinned post? Deeply engaged with at least half of the posts put up today? Are you interacting regularly on posts with your deeper thoughts and engagement? As you do the reacts go down. Visibility of posts rise and more people in turn respond. I ask, why is the response from us white people so focused on others instead of figuring out how we are adding to a react culture? This isn’t just about reacts. Which brings me to my next discussion point…our constant offering of help and how that fits into white people patterns of responses that work as moves to distance, reframe, and, ultimately, silence.
I am dropping a link at the end of the post to a conversation Lace on Race participated in on another Facebook page recently. I am also dropping a link to a conversation that happened here at Lace on Race today. The two together should serve to highlight what I am talking about regarding patterns of responses. Patterns matter. Context matters. As white people, we generally do not have to be hyper aware of our surroundings, of our context. However, that does not mean our patterns do not inform what we say, how we say it, and what is left unsaid but implied anyways.
We white people have no idea how unoriginal we actually are. In fact, we are taught to completely avoid this discomforting fact by being told our intentions matter. It turns the focus onto us as singular people, making singular, unique choices. It makes it conveniently easy to read about horrible, white people behaviors, and then turn the gaze to “those people doing those things.” It leads to conversations that fit patterned responses. We are excellent at noticing patterns in others and STILL think we are excluded from those patterns. But the patterns exist, we participate in them, and they matter. They are a large contributor to impact.
You will notice a lot of patterns between the two conversations linked.
-focusing on tone/emotions
-offering help
-wanting to stand united
-not answering the question asked but answering what one wishes was asked
-non apologies
-dismissal
-busy lives (after asking to stand united against the cause)
There are many more and they are part of, what I like to call, framing the conversation. They are stand ins for what isn’t said. What isn’t said is just as power driven, in fact sometimes more so, as what is said.
If I offer advice to Lace, what isn’t said is that I believe she hasn’t considered all the options. I believe she needs my help, be it intellectually or professionally.
If I give my resume of professional work to Lace, what isn’t said is that I am waiting for a similar resume from Lace that holds the same weight. If she does not, that hangs like a critique on her abilities.
If I say we need to build bridges to Lace, what isn’t said is that the conversation she has offered proceeding my comment must not be building bridges. If it were, why would I suggest we need to work together to build bridges?
Yet, when any of these unsaid things are confronted, the retort is that it is a misunderstanding. That one is assuming the character of the poster (something that is regarded as a violent move by white people). All without recognizing the larger context.
As a white person, I do not have to be aware of my surroundings. I have been trained to ignore them. To ignore context. Often on purpose. I can take an expired coupon to the store and demand it be redeemed, all while claiming I did not see the expiration date. We do something similar in conversation with BIPOC.
It is time for us to be aware and accountable for context, for unsaid things, for patterns of our white culture as a whole. The react issue, and the responses from it, are not exempt. We, again, offer our help, solutions, and focus on rules being enforced.
This runs deep, conversational framing and power. We white people need to delve into how we all use this power, especially in this space. Return to some of your previous posts reponses.
How does your initial reaction before posting fit a pattern?
What patterns do you see in your actual post?
How did you frame your response?
Did you include yourself in the issue or did you focus on others?
Do you turn to offering resources instead of discussing the problem?
If you receive pushback, what pattern of defense do you use? Denial? Agreeance but with platitudes? Thanking for time and education (which is a power move to end the conversation)?
Here is the part where coffee time with Marlise extends to you. Sip your beverage of choice and dig deep in responses.
*Edited to add correct second link. You can catch the patterns better now!