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The unfortunate tendency for white women to ‘bow out’, framed as some sort of a ‘generous offer’, seems like it is supposed to come off as gracious. It is not. It is violence.

Not only because the ability to take the nearest off ramp when you encounter a bump is a privilege only white people have when it comes to race, but also because it is framed to take the responsibility for respectful, connected, mindful engagement away from the person feeling the discomfort and or dissonance, and place it onto the person who they feel caused that discomfort–‘you are making me leave’. That’s gaslighting.

Part of the ‘growing up’ process we are doing here in this space is being able to hold onto yourself–and your own racial residue–without ‘sliming’ others, and having the affect control and emotional regulation to be able to walk a crucible.

You won’t have to walk it alone. But you do have to walk it. Being able to just ‘wash your hands of your racial justice hobby’, and to threaten to deploy that very potent weapon in the face of any sort of hiccup is one of the most used in the large arsenal of white weaponry. You know what you are doing when you use it; so do the black and brown people you say you stand with.

If white women (who are 90% percent of this community) continually wield the threat (and that is exactly what it is) of cutting and running over the heads of the people they say they are committed to; if they see ghosting, either literally or metaphorically, as a valid way to solve conflict with others and discomfort and dissonance with themselves; if they are always scanning the horizon for an out even as they pretend to walk–

Were They Ever Truly In?

You will notice that I have framed this as violence and weaponry, rather than they way it is usually framed in social justice forums: as fragility and sensitiveness. That’s on purpose. These terms, ‘fragility’ and the like have their purpose and a valid history, but have been coopted by white women to minimize and gloss over the real harm that they do. Not here.

We are learning to live nonviolently, a part of what Terry Real calls ‘Full Respect Living’. For white women, that means giving up the right to be ‘rescued’ or expecting an Uber to whisk them away then they are faced with something they don’t like.

Lean in. Plant Roots. Grow Up so you can Grow Out.

You are doing none of those things when you cut and run.

Comments please. No hearts or likes. Period.

edited to add this: I need to be quite clear.

When I use Lean In, it’s not in the elitist and even a bit arrogant way that Sandberg uses it; rather, it is leaning in to the point you feel you might fall; ie taking a risk that shakes and unsettles you.

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