Facebook Publication Date: 4/13/2019 15:04

Lace on Race
Month of Relational Ethics Extra

So, almost two weeks in, and two good conversations.

I have decided not to wait to post more; the information is too crucial to our shared walk, is cumulative, and will inform our engagement with topics and with each other. It’s too important to ignore.

Yet, most of you have indeed ignored it.

I am going to show my cards.

Yes, I know this work is hard. We have seen it in these few weeks, where people bailed, either quietly or in flaming out flounces *even in the precursor to the month* because they were unable, or more accurately, unwilling to see the work through.

Before you suck your teeth though, I need to remind you that you yourself are probably one of the ones who have chosen thus far to not engage with the work of Relational Ethics. You probably viewed, hearted or liked, or even commented upon other, easier posts.

Why is that?

We had said before that we were pushing the reset button, and hundreds of you said you were all in. Part of that is committing to engaging where we have discerned the need is greatest and the effort expended will be most profitable.

This is it, y’all.

I want to walk you through what it truly means to begin to ‘grow up’ in this work; want you to truly understand what it means to engage and wrestle with curiosity and generosity at the core; need you to have the tools you will need to get where you say you want to go.

Relational Ethics is best practice. We need to be able to do the tough internal work that will enable us to be able to tolerate feelings as we go deeper. We need to learn how to hold onto ourselves; how not to fall back into toxic tropes and behaviors; how to use self regulation and relational maturity so we neither blow up, shut down, or run away.

Because hear this: in the three years that white women have chosen to walk this path in significant numbers, here, elsewhere online, and in their offline lives, all of their maladaptive behaviors have followed them into this work–what I mean when I say ‘weaponized’–and it has caused untold harm *to the very people you say you stand and align with*.

This must stop. And if you are in this space, this is a core commitment you must internalize and adhere to.

We need to find and leverage our power. We need to really understand what love looks like in this context, and we need to be able to trust that we can stay the course, and that the people walking beside us will not fall away.

Whether or not you have been here the full 16 months, or have been here 16 days or 16 hours, you know by now that this work is not a one and done. That in order to do this work well will mean that you will need sturdy walking shoes, a staff to steady you when you feel the rocks shifting under you, nourishment for when you feel weak. You will also need what I have been attempting with all that I have to instill within you for over a year now: a durable and unshakable core of resilience, reliability, and resolve.

I know you think you already have it; and in truth, being here in this space (important caveat; for those who have truly engaged) means that you are ahead of some.

But just because you do it better than most does not at all mean that you do it well as well as you could or should. We have seen it here in this space, and it has derailed and compromised the work for us all.

And that sobering thought should remind you to not rest in complacence, nor should it lead to smug arrogance. Not in you, and not in myself. I need relational ethics in this space. Daily; sometimes hourly and minute-by-minute.

What I have seen here is that the basic skills that fuel our shared ethos of kind candor are often lacking or easily abandoned. Not just in your engagements with me, your putative leader, although certainly with me. But with each other as well. It is concerning that even in these early ‘Reset Button’ stages, that these essential and non negotiable skills have not yet been internalized in this lab, in this rehearsal space.

What is the overarching goal here at Lace on Race? For there to be less harm, less pain, less trauma in the lives of people of color. If you are here, I am assuming you agree with me. To do less harm, to yourselves, to your fellow walkers, and to the women and men you say you stand with, means that you have to learn the skills which will allow you to do that.

Choosing not to learn these skills that will bring less harm and violence is, bluntly stated, actively choosing violence, in your words, in your internal life that drives your words and actions–not only here in this space, but in other online spaces you inhabit, and in your offline lives, where you have influence and power to either perpetuate cycles of harm and violence, or where you choose to acknowledge and engage your capacity, willingness, and agency to break cycles of generational, structural, and individual violence wherever you find it–including within yourself.

And it is sobering indeed that most of you are actively choosing not to do the work that will make you, at minimum, less harmful. It truly begs the question of why you are telling yourself you want to do this work at all. Because a weaponized white person engaging in spaces, offline or off, is worse than no engagement or action at all. Yes, I said it.

I have said this before: who you are in this space is who you are. If you retreat to earlier ways of being when challenged or activated; if you lurk without engagement; if you scroll as entertainment–*that is who you are in your offline life*. This is a strong statement. I hold to it. And there is no way you can truly walk an authentic racial justice path absent these skills.

This space is not for ‘fun’ or for entertainment, although I certainly hope what we present to you is engaging and informative and not so dry or pedantic that it feels like castor oil going down.

But. The way you have chosen–let me repeat–the way *you* have chosen by being here demands different things than what you may have seen elsewhere. It demands your day by day choice to live out the commitment you agreed to–*to yourself* not to me, don’t forget–to live a life you say you want to live and to impact and influence with savvy and skill a world you want to change.

So I strongly encourage you to engage. So much so, that I am going to begin to gently remind those who reach for the easy to circle back.

If you need an accountability partner in this work, to keep you on track, to provide another set of eyes for you, to learn in real time how to apply the skills of relational ethics both here in this space, in your internal lives, and to your lives outside your respective screens, let us know. We will partner you with a kindred.

Our brains light up when we observe; it can feel like, or almost like, we are doing the work we only see others doing. But that feeling, like a dopamine hit, is fleeting. The reason I insist on authentic engagement is because that is what binds what we are learning here to your head, heart and spirit; engaging with each other is how you will learn durable love. You cannot watch community like you would a show on Netflix; neither can you learn to love without the risk of actually loving.

So I invite you to see radical engagement in this month as an act of love. And I invite you to trust me when I tell you that this will inform and turbo charge your praxis.

But only if you let it.

To borrow from my friend Chris Kratzer: Risking love is brave.

Be brave.

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