Facebook Publication Date: 6/7/2019 21:06

June Pre Ask

There are hundreds of new community members here since I ran this piece two months ago. For that reason, and also because not all of the community saw it the first time, I am running an adapted version of it again.

For the record, the numbers have not changed. If we are going to truly have the reach, influence, and sustainability this space deserves, that must change.

The dynamics laid out below are stark, but true.

The Pre-Ask

It has taken me all day to get up the heart, will, and courage to do this. That needs to stop. It is a large drain on me.

In the future, the Development Team will be doing the weekly and monthly asks. It is a big burden which will be lifted off my shoulders. But you will need to respond.

I have a vision, that I was audacious enough to think could be advanced by the likes of me a year ago.

Part of that vision has been fulfilled. We are doing good and important and novel work here. Work that is not being done anywhere on the internet that I can see is being done in this environment, and that warms my heart.

I want more. I want to reach higher.To do more, to influence more, to walk with you past where you first thought, but with conviction that the journey and our ultimate destination will be totally worth it.

But I have to lay out my cards to you. Asking you to financially engage with the community is the hardest, most draining, and the least successful part of this leading of the community that I do.

These last months, after the pre ask and the ask, which take an entire day (not the writing; but the angst) we did have response, and that was gratifying.

But if this is to be a going concern, and I hope that it will be, it has to be more than 60ish people doing the work for over 4000. It has to be.

Laying out of cards and candor–to do this work well and with strength and stamina, i need to be in decent shape in both body and mind. I have a wonderful coach/therapist that gets me, and has made it possible for me to be present and available to you in hopefully meaningful ways. He is one of the best in coaching, trauma work, attachment theory and ethics in San Diego. I am fortunate he is willing to walk with me.

And I will also say this–i need dedicated time to be able to do this work. I need to not worry about taking part time jobs, any of which would be physical, which would take away my energy.

Since I was in the hospital, I also gained a physical therapist that will do what Kaiser is not willing to. No more cane; much less pain. I need him too. It is hard to write when one is on the verge of tears.

I want to be able to pay the contributors we use here to spark commentary and conversation here. It is a retreat from our praxis as a community that we do not. We must live out our convictions that the work of women of color should be compensated; otherwise we are continuing a slave narrative. We should be cutting edge in this regard, and 4000 of you should be making light work of this.

I also want to be able to pay the admins and other workers who bring Lace on Race to you, without fail, here and at the nascent website. To ask them to give the hours that they do is also outside our stated mission and ethos. That needs to change.

I would also like to have the freedom to dedicate time and energy to write resources and curriculum, and also to attend conferences, retreats, and symposia. The ones who want me are grassroots and cannot carry me. I want to be able to pay full freight; not ask them for financial dispensation. I want to carry the message farther; and i would be doing it on unpaid time. Again, with 4000 of you, this should not be difficult.

All of this comes with deep shame. It is hard to admit to you that I am a working class woman with working class salary; hard to admit that i make very little money in my job; my job that allows me to do this work, that i cannot retire from. I would like to do this work full time. That I cannot, even with the following we have amassed is dispiriting.

I began this initiative in the throes of dealing with my ex husband’s mental health challenges. It meant I have no partner’s income to supplement my own; it means that I cannot do this work gratis, or with the support of the small slice of community members who partner with us in this work. This is a labor of love. But make no mistake, it is labor. That it has been done, even within the midst of real challenges I take pains not to highlight or even mention, is gratifying. But it takes a real toll.

Despite the shame and hesitation, and sorrow over those who will indeed leave because of this pre ask, let alone the ask, I still will do so.

I give good work here. Last year when we launched, my hope was that if I gave you good work and good community, that you all would see the value and a significant tranche of you would enter in and insure the health of the community.

That has not happened. *But that is not because of the quality of what you have had presented to you.*

Part of the reset is also realigning the terms. There is no question that I have given my best. I say this without arrogance. The novel nature of the work we do, the way we do it, and the overall quality cannot be argued. Period. What is missing is your valuing it enough to support it. That it doesn’t happen hurts my soul. Deeply. But I refuse shame over it.

So when asks happen, and they will on a weekly basis, for this community, for an individual we have chosen to highlight, and for an org whose work deserves recognition, we, frankly, expect you to respond.

No excuses. This community needs and deserves your support. But if not us, then the partners we feature. This is a part of your walk; it is part of your congruence, and it is a part of being All In, both with this community and with the people you say you stand with and for. Because that is the reason you are here. To learn to do better in durable and tangible ways. To learn to show up in ways that matter. To eschew carveouts and rationalizations.

I will say this quietly: I deserve at least as much as minimum wage at a fast food joint for what I present to you on a daily basis. That you are on a site dedicated to moving the needle and I have to do a pre ask with dread and tears is so disheartening.

Let’s be honest with each other. This funding model sucks. But the truth is, yet again, I will not be getting grants, nor a byline at the New York Times.

But that is not the real problem.

The funding model that women of color in this work use, and the way white people respond, is full on shitty. This dynamic flies in the face of the work we are doing; putting the power in the hands of people being shown better ways of being. Being afraid of losing eyeballs, and the small amounts we are able to convince you to ‘spare’ is not optimal. White purses being held in the balance and snatched when they get mad makes for fear, resentment, and a dilution of the message and instruction. And you know it. And I know it. And we need to end this toxic, humiliating dance.

Let’s talk about resistance. Let’s hit it squarely. Very candidly, for some of you, part of the romanticization of black people, of this space, of me, is the racist trope that what black people produce has to come from a place of deprivation and want. That it’s only ‘authentic’ if i am sitting here with wobbly teeth and a faded housedress with Delta blues playing in the background. That’s real.

Another part of the realness is that some feel that if ‘too many’ contribute, then I will do better than they. And one of the unspoken shitty deals we make with white people in general, and white women in particular, is that we never do better than they do. This is where the queries of ‘but what will you do with the funds’ come in with black women. The Safety Pin Box is a perfect example.

We are never trusted.

We are never allowed to use our talents and callings for even a shred of our own self care and support.

DiDi Delgado, who we hightlighted in May, raises thousands for others, yet is often financially insecure. She rarely asks for herself, because she is squarely aware of this dynamic. White people really need to look at this; really look at the insistence that we can help and succor and affirm and amplify everyone but ourselves.

I told you above how your dollars are spent; how we steward, how we keep going even though i have to subsidize. Which means subsidizing you all. This is a bad deal, and we are resetting it. I am happy to share my knowledge, my presence, my heart. I cannot do it for free, and I should not be ashamed of that fact.

Frankly stated, this place deserves your support. After over a year of exhaustion, I deserve to be truly seen. Yes, I said it.

I do not want have to lay it out this baldly again. It diminishes me.

If as a collective body, you do not feel this work is worth supporting to keep it (and, yes, me) healthy, sustainable, reliable, and with a praxis worth replicating, so be it. I can pull the plug tomorrow.

This should not be this hard. That it is sears my soul.

There is so much more i want to do with all of you, but you need to walk with me so that I can.

When you see Asks, respond. This space depends on each of you to exist.

Permalink: https://www.facebook.com/laceonrace/posts/pfbid02wKPpJwsx1c3Gy5fcCq3BDazV5fUJaonetTizYwZXTwhe9q1QLWhBHc8Be37gtfpzl

Post Type: Text

Caption Type: N/A

Is Cross Post: 0

Is Share: 0

Impressions: 2

Reach: 2

Reactions: 1

Comments: 32

Shares: 0