My Mom said over and over when I was a kid: “We don’t see color.” “You don’t see color.” “It’s not appropriate to see color.” But, then, when I was dating my former husband she said: “We really like him, but if you marry him, what color will your babies be?” I married him. His father is Jamaican. His mother is English. He is very light skinned. The subject of his background rarely came up. “We don’t see color” kept working for me for a long, long time.
Then, a Buddhist friend asked me to join her ‘Awake to Race’ course in January 2020. All the usual books and the beginning of waking up. Oh, wait, people want their color to be seen? Ok, I can do that. Then a course on micro-aggressions. Oh, wow. I have work to do. Then, George Floyd and my heart was stricken as if I could finally feel all of the deaths of Black people at the hands of white people.
So, now, you know. I am a typical white woman that is causing harm to Black and brown people. Somewhere between Awake to Race and George Floyd, I started living out some basic praxis. There are black owned businesses. There are black owned banks. I can spend most of my money at both. I am fully capable of change. I am fully capable of learning. Want to know a secret? Some of this has been really, really fun! I am now a member of two wine clubs through Black owned wineries in California and I got to participate in an online wine night. I invested in a Black Owned Chocolate company – amazingly totally yummy! I bought hand made Goddess cards from a Black woman artist for a program for teenage girls that I produce and she wrote personal notes to our participants. And those are just a few examples. Relationships and Economics. That’s the most basic of the basics. But it is not and was not enough.
In June 2020, I learned about Lace On Race. I read everything on the website first. I didn’t understand a ton of it. Relational Ethics? I am an engineer for heaven’s sake! Still, I can try. I was learning. I was thinking. I am learning. I am thinking. Especially about financial engagement. Most of the posting seemed to be on Facebook. I hate Facebook. Still, I forced myself to do it. Night after night, trying to keep the commitments. No reacts. Respond to at least two walkers. Hold your slosh.
You know what the hardest part still is?
I can’t guarantee that I am not causing harm to Black and brown people. In fact, I am 100% sure that I, personally, am causing harm and I am part of a system that causes harm to black and brown people.
That’s the reality. Given the reality, the hope is that I can more consistently follow the North Star and mitigate the harm that I, personally, cause. I hope that I can be some piece of the puzzle that mitigates that harm that white supremacy does to black and brown people.
That’s the future of Lace on Race. Walking shoulder to shoulder. Responding to posts here with each other – even if someone else has said something similar, saying it in my own way so I can practice. Practice in this space, so that when I hear myself say something or do something that could cause harm, I am more likely to catch myself – and be humble enough to address my own systemic racism. Thank you to those who have joined me, who have challenged me. To those who are reading, but not engaging with posts or financially. It’s time. It’s past time. We have a lot of mitigating harm to do.
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