I haven’t had to know…that piece describes my own privileged toddlerhood in regards to racial justice so well…those ‘all lives matter’ narratives and ways of distancing and absolving myself of responsibility that I used for the majority of my life. I like the link Lace makes here to the second stage of psychosocial development. I’d never considered that angle before. It’s that stage where I go from ‘I have no control over that’ to ‘I have total control over that’, both harmful extremes. It must be one of the most frustrating and annoying things about whyte people for people of color to interact with. As Lace says, they have to and do know us better than we know ourselves. Watching and experiencing it must be down right annoying and more. I commit to continuing to address my immaturity head on, instead of ignore it intentionally, superficially copying, blowing up or out.

Cross-posted from Facebook.

This is important.

I have not had to face the racism which, despite my best efforts, I also absorbed simply from growing up in the US and in a cooperatively well-off neighborhood–until Lace and another Black woman called me out for a post I made that supported what is rightly called white fragility, earlier this year.

I am not where I want and where Black and brown people need me to be with regard to understanding and awareness. I am grateful for Lace and the other woman calling me out, and for everyone here taking the time and making the effort to walk with me.

I again promise to do my best to uphold the North Star: to lessen and mitigate the harm endured by Black and brown people, perpetuated by white people and white supremacy. Even if racism is unconscious, it still adds to people’s pain.

It is truly wild how white supremacy culture has taught white people how to be absolutely terrified of admitting that we don’t know it all, of making a mistake and worst of all of possibly being wrong. And because we are taught that we shouldn’t be found guilty of anything, we are not taught about what to do when we are found in the wrong, when we make a mistake and how to actually repair and make amends to what we have done. And my goodness, do I know this feeling, I know this pull that Lace describes so perfectly between admitting maybe I don’t know everything but also wanting to avoid that feeling of shame that I was wrong and that I need help. Well and the fact that I just don’t always know how to admit I was wrong and exactly how to rectify it.

As a whole, I would say I am generally pretty humble and its easy for me to admit I don’t know everything and look forward to learning more than I do now. But where it gets hard for me is in the relational. When I literally turn into the toddler, when I am activated and interacting with people in real time. Sometimes its me being confronted about things I really do feel like I know all about and sometimes I am proven wrong in real time and that shame comes up, then I feel that woosh. I become a person capable of harm in that moment, harm I might otherwise be unlikely to ever perpetuate. I absolutely have thrown tantrums, blown up, shut down and have ran away. This means I am still capable of inflicting harm out in the world, if activated.

In my childhood I had to grow up, have a high level of independence and be wholly responsible for myself at a very young age(especially emotionally). At the same time I remember finding some comfort in my childhood, having the wisdom to know that fully growing up meant even more responsibility. I remember my peers longing to “grow up” with the draw of independence meanwhile I was fully content and to be grateful for being a child and not having adult kinds of concerns to worry about. The moment I graduated high school, I was cut loose and I didn’t think twice about the task that I had to go from some level of support in childhood to having to completely support myself and it was swift. I kept looking forward, constantly contemplating where I needed to improve in order to keep growing up.

I still consider myself immature, I have so much growing up to do. However, I am probably more capable than I think I am, that is something that Lace stresses and something I need to remember. The only way to reach maturity is to keep pushing past that fear of growing up, facing the responsibility of knowing the unknown and to trust ourselves that we are capable of knowing what to do with the ever expanding knowledge.

Learning to set my ego aside and de-center myself has been a challenge. Being truly open and curious is intentional and not at all an automatic way of being for me. I’ve always strived to be a leader and expert and some how equated that to strength and worth in my mind and equated following, listening and fumbling at something new to weakness. Approaching racial justice that way is down right dangerous. Approaching relationships that way creates a toxic dynamic.

Yes, I want to do the thing and the conditioning towards instant gratification to get it done and to receive accolades and a sense of pride for the accomplishment is real. That approach is self focused and can do way more damage than good. Growing Out effectively requires first leaning in, digging deep, planting roots and growing up….. and the work is constant, it’s not a to do list that can be checked off.

When I feel shame it’s a signal for me that I’ve lost focus on the NS and I have a choice to regain sight of it or run away. Growing up means refocusing and owning and repairing the damage done.

Growing up sounds like holding myself while I continue to learn instead of thinking that my age is the ultimate measure of maturity. This mean listening and “choosing to know” as Lace explained in the post and then persevering in a continual way (like a slow cooker ) and not in a “burn too hot and then burn out” way. I’m constantly working on growing up by minding my slosh so that I don’t blow up, shut down, or retreat so that I continue to walk towards the North Star. I had never thought of creativity and curiosity as being part of maturity before but I see it in the eye to eye relating that is part of Lace’s method. I’ll keep working and then looking for what’s next.

I am not saying this to “brag” in any way, but rather, to express remorse and–to use a religious word–repentance.

I just sent this to the parents of a younger mixed-race former friend (FF), as an apology to FF. As I expected, they are both angry I did this.

“Hi,//How are you both, as well as (children)?//I am not sure I will say this in the best way…//More than a year ago, FF (= one of their children) shared something on Facebook about …having encountered blatant discrimination at a big
box store–I believe it was Walmart. Rather than accepting and
supporting FF’s statement about the experience, I questioned FF, and FF blocked me almost immediately afterward.//I would like to apologize for my lack of both sensitivity and awareness.
I am learning a lot from both friends and a Website, laceonrace.com.//If FF is willing to forgive me, I greatly appreciate that. If not, I
understand. “

Understandably, FF’s parents (one white, one Black) are angry. I can only hope that we will communicate again at some point. Given the extent of racism and its consequences in this country, and that I added still more (from a presumed friend!), I am not expecting that. I admit that the current lack of response hurts, but it is my fault that this happened, and I own it.

I love all of this! There is so much richness here and so many ways it resonates. First of all, I can see how working through shame is essential to doing one’s interior work and developing maturity. Shame is like a wall that blocks any growth process – no moving inward or outward, just a continual loop or spiral that leads always back to that wall. I can point to times in my journey where toxic shame was a barrier for me but also served as protection from my own insecurities. I have not been one to blow up or throw tantrums, but I can certainly point to times when my shame caused me to shut down, to sit quietly in a corner with my head down and say “I can’t say anything, I shouldn’t open my mouth because I’ll end up saying something harmful”. This was after being rightly called out by my colleagues of color multiple times.

That interior growth did not start happening for me until I learned to work through the toxic shame rather than letting it serve as a barrier. Anytime I hear myself saying, “I can’t,” “Who am I to think I could do this,” “I’m bad and wrong,” I know those messages are my toxic shame speaking. I can recognize that now.

Yes, there is risk and responsibility in growing up, because once we start to learn where the right hole is in the T-shirt, or how to put on our socks and shoes, we have a responsibility to live out that practice. At the same time, I think part of interior growth is accepting that there will be times when I do put my shoes on the wrong feet, or stretch the polo shirt, and embracing the course correction from this community (or others) who will be there to offer guidance.

I’m also thinking about being childish vs. childlike. The shutting down is childish. However, when I think about being childlike, one of the qualities that stands out to me is openness. Openness to learning from my mistakes, to seeking out those in my life whom I know will provide honest feedback and guidance, openness to discovering and implementing new ways of doing things, never losing that curiosity and creativity that keeps us asking questions. Now what? What’s next? How do I live out what I am learning?

In many ways I feel that I am still immature. At the same time, I recognize this process of interior growth is a life-long process. Maybe, that’s where the maturity comes in. Maybe I have more maturity than I know and I have been afraid or intimidated or hesitant to face that full potential of maturity and growth. I commit to continuing to ask questions, to getting to know both the immaturity and maturity within me, and also recognizing growth or maturity within myself that I did not know was there.

I am thinking about how tenet 5 has influenced me since I started participating with Lace on Race. On the one hand I can see ways in which I have taken great stride in this area and at the same time I can also think of evidence that shows I definitely need to keep working on myself in this area. I am also thinking about the anti-science movement and how that is a form of white people feeling like we not only can do it ourselves, but that we can do it better ourselves. By “ourselves” which really means with other non-experts who we see ourselves in, we can uncover hidden secret information that the experts do not have or try to hide from us. I feel the lure of this, sometimes more strongly than other times. The belief in a mythological quick fix and the arrogance that I can uncover it if only I reject expert advice. And even as white liberals mock right wing anti-science enthusiasts and indulge in shadenfruede with covid stories about them, then we ourselves take on that “me do it” attitude with racial justice. The contempt for others, a predictor of how we will lash out to protect ourselves from shame/doubt when other see and try to grow our clumsy attempts. I am thinking about the phrase “fake it till you make it” and how that reflects the emphasis on selling the image of doing racial justice over the substance of following the north star. Yesterday I was able to give insight into the complexity of a particular local situation and doing so using many things that I have learned here at Lace on Race rather than just giving one dimensional facts and backing them up with character assassination. I felt that I didn’t have to blast my way in with “THIS of course is true and I KNOW and if you don’t it it’s because you suck”, but rather I could acknowledge what I don’t know and how things are not simple and certainly the organization in question could make different decisions that would look better optically, but wouldn’t necessarily be better ethically, and also throw in a dose of “we’re putting this particular situation under a microscope, but what happens if we turn the microscope on ourselves and on other organizations and companies we choose to support?” It was a more grown up discussion than I would have attempted a few years ago. It had far less “answers” and far less self-touted expertise and a lot more substance.

In fact, the ‘solutions’ Sandberg champions would most likely result in repercussions for Black and brown women; as was pointed out repeatedly to Sandberg in interviews, to which she grudgingly conceded, but then pivoted, with breakneck speed and force to her original talking points.

So many conversations about anti-racism feel this way. A shallow apology followed by the person just repeating their point even more loudly and insistently. When white women (including me) do this pattern, it just shows how unwilling we are to listen and give up any privilege or power. Believing someone’s lived experience is handing over some power because it’s admitting that you don’t know everything.

Not just more money and a bigger job title; though ya, that’s part of it, I’m sure. Recognition and affirmation of what they bring to the table are often still more goodies denied–and punished–for some populations.

Sandburg I’m sure only thinks of what people bring to the table in terms of making profits. But there’s also such a lack of respect for what people bring to the table in terms of team building, flexibility, adaptability, cultural background, and much more. When corporate culture forces a certain “look” on people and doesn’t allow things like natural hairstyles, it sends the message to Black women that what they bring to the table only matters if it matches a certain image. That they aren’t recognized for who they are.

Their invisibility to her; much like the invisibility of the security guard who waves her car onto campus, makes all the difference.

This is why I think “fictive imagination” is so powerful. We can’t necessarily know or experience what another person has gone through. But we can make the effort to think about what that feels like, what those experiences might be, and the effects they could have on that person.

What we need to do is ask men to step back, listen more, and be humble. Maybe instead of telling women to stop apologizing, we need to encourage men to apologize more when they make mistakes! The burden of self-improvement has been on women for the last decade.

I doubt many offices would declare it, but businesses frequently “tell” Black women in particular to apologize all the time, by holding them to unrealistic standards and never forgiving mistakes. White women and men both need to be apologizing more and take on the burden of self-improvement.

It’s easy to pivot to race here, isn’t it? It is easy to see how an individualistic ethos that leaves out the majority of women in general, and black and brown women in particular, is a hollow ethos that produces hollow promises.

Authenticity and integrity are key to the journey and bringing about justice. Otherwise it’s just performative and often actively harmful. Trust built and broken is often more hurtful than trust never built.

We do not demand that anyone, anyone wait for their liberation. Our wholeness must not, cannot, come at the expense of others.

This makes me think back to the conversation about neurodivergence, other disabilities, and trauma. When white people hold up our challenges as excuses for inaction or hurtful actions, we can think we’re making ourselves whole or keeping ourselves healthy. But in reality, we’re making our comfort (not our wholeness, as that doesn’t make us whole either) at the expense of others.

It takes trust to pass the bowl, when you are not sure that everyone will also pass across and down. It takes trust to know that there will be enough in the pot for you. It takes courage to allow yourself to be given to, and to give.

The lack of trust and assumption that people will use you is embedded in white supremacy. White supremacy revolves around power and jostling for that power. Trusting people who are different helps us separate ourselves from white supremacy and vice versa.

When I am voluntarily in thrall to white supremacy and racism, then all the terrible things happening to Black and brown people will be kept behind a curtain so that I can maintain my good self-esteem. I become like a child who scrunches up their eyes and covers their ears when reality isn’t going their way. Block it out, ignore the input, continue without interruption.

But I’m not a child; I’m an adult. For me to behave immaturely is unethical. For me to actively, consciously choose to behave immaturely is outright malevolent.

My white culture doesn’t do a good job of training, raising up adult humans. The greed of racialized capitalism, for example, is something that should be eliminated back when the toddler tries to take all the cookies and not perpetuated until death. The tunnel vision that says “my way is the highway” and doesn’t accept variation. (It’s not a problem, because it’s not a problem for me.) My white culture takes the immaturity of childhood and valorizes it, glorifies it — as long as it’s an adult behaving that way.

I will continue growing up, being mature in everything that I do, and especially aware of the ways my racial surroundings work to keep me immature.

I see the “I want to do it myself!” from my five year old a lot. The other day he got terribly upset that we wouldn’t let him use the stove to make eggs by himself. His older brother actually can and so he didn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to. But my younger son didn’t notice all the many, many times that his older brother worked with my husband to learn how to make eggs and practice doing so under supervision. How he was willing to allow us to teach him. So often, we as white people are like that kindergartener who will burn down the house if you let them because we don’t want to listen to someone wiser guide us. We see others doing difficult work and say “I can do that!” without noticing the work to get there.

The “I want to do it myself” also reminds me of “weaponized incompetence” – when you do something so badly on purpose that you force someone else to do it for you. Even when white people aren’t intending to do this, I think we often do it out of defensiveness. It’s the push-back that comes when we receive criticism and then say, “Well, if I’m such a bad ally, then I guess I won’t do it at all!” Besides the pain and hurt that the message itself sends to Black people, it also pushes that racial justice work that you could have done (but refused to learn how to do well) back onto them.

“To grow up so we can grow inward well, there are some things that will indeed need to be acknowledged; that we don’t have all the answers; that things we were told were at best incomplete, and at worst, wholly inaccurate; and that we well may need to give up old ideas in order to grow into maturity.”

<font face=”inherit”>This type of growing up requires a lot of humility and honest willingness to learn with ears open. White people </font>have<font face=”inherit”> to learn to honestly ask hard questions to ourselves – not </font>Black people<font face=”inherit”> – like why was I taught this way? What baggage do I bring with me? What am I still holding on to that is harmful? </font>

Having a learner’s mindset is critical – having the humility and curiosity and the ability to deal with the discomfort of knowing that Lace mentions. One way to do that is focusing outside myself, assessing situations outside of my ego or feelings if possible (which will be much harder done than said). It means managing my slosh by recognizing and circumventing potential frustrated reactions or over-confident daydreaming by listening carefully, connecting the material to current events and my life and showing gratitude to people teaching. Lace’s point about thinking critically about what we are taught could also help avoid an unproductive shame reaction. As a white person educated in North America, I was taught a specific angle of history, with a lot of historical and current events omitted or misconstrued. But I direct what I learn now as an adult.

Without that mindset, the risk is learning for clout and being self-righteous and alienating or harmful to the people trying to teach and help and/or learn with us. I imagine that seeing a white person using what they know about racial justice, or even other cultures, to show off or gain undue attention comes across as untrustworthy and unreliable, since their focus is clearly on appearances rather than the issues to be addressed.