So ok, a song came on my Spotify today.
Believe it or not, Robert Downey, Jr. made a record called “The Futurist” about 15 years ago. It was when he was still early on in his recovery journey, and the songs on the album reflect that. His voice is….um…*interesting*…but I care less about his voice than about his songs, most of which he either wrote or co-wrote. There is one song in particular (I will put it in the comments section) that I have listened to for years.
Rigid (and top down arrogant) Lace thought he got the words wrong, and I, atop my perch as a recovery counselor (heh) steeped in faith based life, ‘gave him grace’ for at least trying.
Here are the two lines I went for years thinking he got wrong: “Life is Testimony”, and “God Grant Me The Strength To Accept The Things I Can Change”.
It was only today that the truth of those words slapped me in the face as I was making the left turn onto 33rd Street. And then I really got the deep implications of what he was actually saying, not what I wish he said. (Quite similar, actually, to answering the query you wish you had been asked. Find the reference in the Guidelines.) And I was humbled and convicted; in his journey as a ‘baby in recovery’, he grasped something that eluded me for over a decade, and we can take deep lessons from it.
The first line, “Life is Testimony”, I had always changed in my mind and when I would sing along I would ‘correct’ it to ‘Life is A Testimony’.
Sounds similar, but no. I am not sure I would have finally made the connection were it not for a conversation I had recently with an acquaintance, a theologian, who engaged with me in conversation around friendships and relational ethics. He told me that he keeps his relationships ‘siloed’; which I found stunning, particularly coming from a theologian.
But not really, right? I mean we all do that; we compartmentalize, keeping certain aspects of self opaque to certain groups of people; sometimes so much so that there can sometimes be little or no overlap.
We do this in racial justice work as well.
Donning racial justice lenses, siloing doesn’t work. Not really. I mean, I see its allure. You can Do The Thing, sort of, and nobody needs to know, right? No one knows what you do or don’t do beyond words, and for some, even posturing. Down low praxis; is it praxis at all?
Robert Downey has it right. All of our lives, every aspect, are testimonies, even as we do our damndest to keep aspects of our lives cloaked. At the end of the day, all we have learned in this compartmentalization is how to be a double agent–but that begs the question of who it is we are ultimately working in service to?
I pondered this for quite a while today. This is why I do my best to have as much overlap and as much congruence as possible, in my personal and in my professional life. People may not know all the facets of me, but they shouldn’t be all that surprised.
What are the parts of your life you keep below ground? Is racial justice one of them? If it is, it drives how you move in your walk–or even if you walk at all.
Robert got this right too, when he sang, “God Grant Me The Strength To Accept The Things I Can Change”. Everyone knows the Serenity Prayer, even those not in recovery, and Robert plays off of that. I ‘corrected’ it in my head too, but now have come to realize the wisdom in the words exactly as he wrote them. It is indeed a departure from the Serenity Prayer. It’s next level.
Like so many things, the Serenity Prayer has all too often suffered from unfortunate mission drift. It’s why it’s necessary to read the full prayer, which I linked above, but even then, it has sometimes morphed into something of a pass. It’s amazing how many things we decide we ‘cannot’ change–here at LoR, we talk a lot about ‘can’t vs. won’t’ for this very reason.
We see this so much here in this space, and also in the whole arena of change work, for that matter. I have said this before, we here at LoR have bet the farm that people have the capacity, volition, and agency to do more and be more than they ever thought possible–and now we have Robert’s words to buttress.
It is not easy to ‘Accept The Things I Can Change’; embedded in this statement is a charge. Also: a responsibility. Accepting that you have more power than you think you do (or want to admit to) means taking up a mantle. Means owning your own power and influence, and also owning your ability, if you choose to do so, to Move The Stone. But the stone will not budge till you believe you have the mettle to move it.
So it is with this Early June Ask. As always, we do a lot with a little and will continue to do so. As always, we pledge to steward your financial engagement well and prudently. As always, we share with firstfruits. As always, every dollar is in service to our unshakable North Star.
And this brings us to the by-now familiar boilerplate, which I hope one day will be unnecessary, because the Ask itself will be unnecessary:
Very simply, I would like to continue to serve you with my utmost. I thank you in advance for allowing me to do so.
I also thank those of you who have financially engaged without the prompt of the ask, and for those of you who are aware of the shortfall that has been endured post Holly. If you would like to earmark engagement specifically to address that shortfall, you can designate and we will see it, and again, your thanks for your faith in me, in us, and your commitment to our Western Star, even in the midst of adversity.
To Sustainers, Sustainers in Training, those who have registered for the Lace on Race Cafe, and those who aspire to be part of Chef’s Table, thank you in advance for your fulfilling your monthly commitment. It is you all who allow us to serve and influence and mentor and teach and abide. Every month, especially in these recent challenging months, my heart swells because of your continued faithfulness.
For those of you who engage a la carte at the Takeout Window, I hope you have seen and appreciated the value in the fare we offer you and directly invite (and gently and lovingly challenge) you to partner with us.
If you would like to know more about becoming a Sustainer or a Sustainer in Training, or if you would like to be seated in the Bistro, links are below. I look forward to walking with and abiding with you in ever deeper ways.
What we do is different from what you will see anywhere else. What we offer to you is different; and what we ask for and from you is different. We are grateful for you. You will find our walking with you will never waver.
Sometimes it’s hard to say variations of the same thing at least twice a month: but the truth is here every day: what we do here is important and needed; your financial engagement is what allows it to happen, and this: we have only scratched the surface of what could be and what reach we could have.
Thank you to those who are now and or are considering walking with me in this way.
And a candid thank you, and an invitation, to those who are considering re-engagement who have not since February. I hope you have seen our faithfulness to you individually and to the community as a whole. Our faithfulness and resolve will continue; on that you can rest. I look forward to your renewed commitment with anticipation and with deep gratitude and appreciation.
With deep and unshakable Hesed,
Your Lace
PayPal: paypal.me/LaceonRace
Sustainer Form: https://bit.ly/SustainerForm
Sustainer in Training Form: https://bit.ly/SustainerInTrainingForm2021
Join in The Bistro discussion below.
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Sustainability and white privilege. I think I’ve got it down, contributing from first fruits twice a month and then… well, here’s the story. I work for a CEO that is BIPOC. He has worked incredibly hard and we partook of the loans provided by the federal government during the pandemic. We followed all the rules exactly and today we found out the loan was forgiven which is very good for the sustainability of our company. And do you know what I said? I said ‘we shouldn’t have gotten that loan, it should have gone to a company that was worse off than us.’ 1. As a white woman who is not the leader of this company, I want to follow and not judge. 2. I am not a CEO, or for that matter, a real business person so I don’t get to judge companies that are ‘worse off than us’. 3. My CEO is one of the most ethical people I know and I trust that he followed the rules. Point of this story: my life is testimony and I need to root out all the places that I am not congruent. my practice here supports that and I am honored to support LoR.
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A thought came up for me while reading about your CEO, and I want to share it; I’m going to be watching for this in my own life, it’s not just about you 🙂
I presume you know the actual BIPOC identity of your CEO; I’m wondering why you didn’t use it. Do I use a general term like this when I could use a specific one? I’m sure I do; reading it in your post made me realize it is a kind of erasure. Especially as we rank, when we are pressured for change, different sub-communities of BIPOC as more or less acceptable for inclusion. For example, there is much “diversity” among our biopharma CEOs (our industry). Except… almost all the “diversity” is contained within the descriptors South and East Asian. More diverse than all-white; much less diverse than the community.
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Christina, I am smiling at your reply. My CEO refers to himself as Hispanic, born in the Dominican Republic, a legal immigrant. I am chuckling at my carefulness at calling him BIPOC. It is not what he would call himself…
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I didn’t know about Robert Downey Jr’s record but do remember him on Ally McBeal. When he sang to Calista Flockhart with Sting-cool moment.
I was struck by you having heard the song and changing the words. I think we all do that sometimes. You read something or hear something and think – he or she or they didn’t really mean THAT – they must have meant xyz. When they really did mean what they were saying. Sometimes it takes reframing to understand. Listening is a key here and in the outside world. I’m here walking and will continue to walk in every possible way including financially.
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“listening is key” makes me think how often I define things in my own terms…define what listening is, or when I’m ‘listening for me’, thinking the whole while about how I’ll respond instead of being with what the other person is saying.
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That’s a good point. I’ll have to remember the definition of listening.
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I’m connecting “listening for me” to something I sometimes do when I read a post at LoR where instead of reading the entire post (ie. listening to everything Lace has say), I start thinking about what I’m going to say in my comment or even start writing a response. Doing this before taking in the whole message means I’m potentially missing parts by focusing on what I’m thinking and I’m not staying eye to eye. I’ve been thinking that if I do this with posts, it might reinforce me doing it in person which wouldn’t be good listening or staying in the car.
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such a great example of how we can do that even in the way we reflect and engage. I’ve done that too. Makes me think of that meme from a while back, turn off the ego and turn on the soul. Presence and being with, slowing down and internalizing, that’s soul. Too often still I try to keep both switches turned on at the same time when it just doesn’t work.
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Yes – ego and soul. I’m going to have to find that meme again.
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“Accept the things I can change,” love that. Accept the work that I do need to do. There was this kids book that I grew up with, “Pig Will and Pig Won’t,” about two pigs, one who said no to everything and one who said yes to everything. While it paints quite a binary picture, I did as a kiddo and do as an adult need frequently called to my attention what I’m saying I won’t do. I need to be eye to eye with myself in saying, ‘so basically you’re saying you won’t do that then’. In pivoting that to race, what won’t I do? One example of that is when I speak in broad terms instead of specifics, or when I deflect, or as Lace points out, answer the question I wish were being asked instead of the one that is.
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The second phrase really hits me, as it’s the place I’ve always struggled the most: I can change, but I won’t. I decline to have volition. My study and practice here at LOR has shown me that if there is a North Star, volition takes care of itself. Even when volition becomes weak, the NS lights the path to regain strength. The commitment here to relentless resolve and reliability spreads throughout my life. It’s helped me parent my autistic 15yo. It’s helped me make further strides in depression management. Just yesterday, it flipped the switch on how I look at my health.
If it’s underground, if it’s siloed, it isn’t North Star. I’m not letting it be NS, no matter how much I profess it in my ethos. Praxis defines ethos, as much if not more than the reverse.
I’m here, walking. If I’m gardening, I’m still walking, harvesting the deliberate surplus to give to those who need it. If I’m reading, I’m still walking. No matter what I’m doing, I need to also be walking.
My June engagement is in.
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I like how you point out that with the North Star, volition takes care of itself. I saw a meme today that I really liked, two figures, one saying “you’ve changed”, and the other saying “we’re supposed to”. Having the North Star is like the flange on the wheel of a train that keeps it on track. On tight turns, the squeal of the flange against the rail sometimes screams out with discomfort, but the train holds. Sometimes here we feel the rub, the clench and have to lean in, but the flange keeps us on track.
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I just saw that meme come through my feed today 🙂 I love the image of the train wheel!
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We are supposed to change and when we resist changing, we’re still making a choice. I love what you said about how walking towards the North Star takes care of volition, Christina.
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It is easy to fall into the trap f thinking that by not doing, not changing, keeping status quo is simply not making a choice – but you are so right. Each thing is still a choice. We choose to act or we choose not to. We choose to change or we choose not to. We choose to focus on the North Star or we choose to focus on something else (usually our-self).
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The realization that everything is a choice (even choosing not to choose) was a huge shift for me in my praxis for this work. Ultimately, I have to face that when I don’t do the work for X reason, I’m choosing my own comfort over Black lives.
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“Down low praxis; is it praxis at all?”
It’s not. Praxis must permeate all aspects of my life and stand as the foundation for my whole self.
“What are the parts of your life you keep below ground? Is racial justice one of them?”
I was talking yesterday with some friends about my living life in two languages: English, which is my native language, and Khmer, which is the dominant language where I live and in which I am functional but not fluent. Depending on which language I am speaking, different parts of my personality come out both because of how the language is structured and because of my command – or lack thereof – of that language. Much like different friend circles amplify parts of me: with some I am more silly, others more philosophical. All components of myself but coming out in varying amounts.
What is vital, though, is that racial justice comes out in every single one of the places. And I think it does in English. With some people I have conversations of how to move the stone, with others harder conversations about whether or not the stone exists at all. In Khmer, though, I don’t have the specific vocabulary to have those conversations. This is a failing. And one that I will be addressing.
As for the ask, I have engaged for June and am actively participating in the Dimes challenge to be able to give more of myself to others.
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Your words about fluency make me think of the North Star, and how vulnerable it is to falling out of praxis (and therefore out of ethos). I may not be fluent yet, but if I stop, I’ll never get there!
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I am thinking about the well-read racist and how fluency isn’t gained through reading about topics or reading about language. Fluency is gained through speaking. We have to do it, we have to engage to become fluent. Reading is not enough to gain fluency.
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Love these connections – yes, fluency is about speaking, about acting. Same with antiracism – must be active, not purely receptive.
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My first thought in thinking about compartmentalizing was – but of course. We all do that. It makes sense to do that. Some things are not appropriate in all situations. There are parts of me that wouldn’t be appropriate in a professional setting, for example. But…. why? when I stop to think about it – I often say that anyone who knows me quickly knows 3 things about me. I love to travel, I am involved with Girl Scouts and I am a member of BNI. If my life is testimony, it is not testifying to racial justice. Anyone who knows me, in any setting, should quickly know that I believe in, participate in and fight for/work for racial justice. I obviously have a lot more walking to do… In thinking of the Serenity prayer twist of “God grant me the courage to accept the things I can change” – that one struck me right away. I totally understood it AND shied away form it at the same time, BECAUSE I understood it. This would be a hard prayer for to pray as accepting the things I can change means then doing what it take to make that change happen, and it absolutely takes courage. I consider myself adventuresome, but not particularly courageous. This too requires more work and walking…
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Hi Michelle, the way you differentiated between adventurous and courageous resonated with me. Immediately it felt like adventure is for myself and courage is for others or usually not just me- taking risks for others rather than just self.
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I am hearing that too, that adventurous is for myself and courageous is for others. I am thinking though that there is an assumption that adventurous will be fulfilling, but maybe that’s a mistake and courageous is actually the more fulfilling choice. Even if it is not, however, the North Star is shining to show the courageous path that I may take it whether it is fulfilling or not.
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It is interesting how God works and how things connect. I am leading a Bible Study on the Prayer of Jabez. This morning we talking about increasing our “territory” or boundaries, or basically our sphere of influences. I brought up my racial justice work and this piece about God grant me to courage to accept the things I can change and how difficult that actually is. Just as asking God to increase my territory (spheres of influence) is scary. I mentioned how people who get to know me learn about my love of travel, my involvement with Girl Scouts and my membership in BNI. Why do they now quickly learn that I am a Christian and that I am involved in racial justice work? While it is true that I have mentioned racial justice things with my Bible study before – it has been minimal and occasional. I was really convicted today in thinking about how the things from The Prayer of Jabez study and my time in LoR and especially this post, really connects and overlaps. I do believe the two go hand in hand. Asking God to increase my territory includes opening my eyes to the opportunities He has placed in front of me and I absolutely believe that racial justice gives glory to God and using my influence and position of privilege and power to spread racial justice is doing His work and honors Him. So, here I am – in this space and IRL, learning and practicing and living out my Christianity by truly loving and welcoming and uplifting ALL people as God’s children and to not leave a single one behind. Not a member of the LGBTQ+ community, not a member of the Native American community, not a member of the Asian community, not a member of the Black community, not a member of the immigrant community, not a member of a non Christian community. ALL means all and none are equal until ALL are. So, I am here. I am walking. I a sometimes stumbling and falling down, but then getting back up and doing better the next time.
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Hearing what I want to hear or answering the question I would rather be asked – I think I do this by not understanding the complete message or question until later, particularly long enough after that I have gotten out of truly facing it with the other person. Staying in the car involves clarifying when I’m not sure and so if I don’t do that I’m intentionally avoiding hearing something correctly or answering the real question.
What are the parts of your life you keep below ground? Is racial justice one of them? I don’t think I keep my racial justice work hidden but living it out well in all parts of my life is still not fully flowing. I’m still working on putting everything together and regardless of setting or what I’m expecting to happen/not happen. Maybe that’s one way I do keep it hidden actually, in thinking I can’t fully do it I’m really just resisting and hiding in a different way (probably not so different and just white supremacist way)- I’m going to sit with that.
I financially engaged at the beginning of June and will again later this week.
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I watched a new documentary about trauma for work this weekend and it was talking about how one source of trauma is when children have to sacrifice their authenticity to maintain their connection to their loved ones, such as through repression of anger. This trauma creates adults who are also out of touch with their authenticity. Life is testimony.
Reading about siloing in this piece, I keep thinking about that. I keep thinking about how much my thoughts revolve around and how much my energy goes into performing, into showing only a part of myself and hiding the rest at any given time.
As a white person, when I take action, I am not risking what others may have to risk in order to take action. I have huge safety nets to catch me if risk does not pan out well. There are things that I cannot change, but the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change is not wisdom that I have a deficit in. What I am lacking is the wisdom to accept the things I can change and to take responsibility and to take the risk to change those things.
I engaged financially at the beginning of June.
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I do not keep my racial justice work hidden. However, I could also speak about it more than I do now. I could share more than I do now, even though my Facebook friends do seem to be seeing more and more of the posts that I comment on here at LOR. It is different to share as it invites a conversation in a different way than seeing me comment on a community post does.
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I’ve been thinking about siloing and compartmentalizing in this post too and realized that I was thinking only about myself and the ways I act at work versus with family versus in public, etc. Realistically I still get to be myself in all the different situations even if I’m following some etiquette or social norms and there aren’t any real risks to me if I didn’t (as Emily said, huge safety nets for us as white people). The opposite is true for Black and brown people who have to hide and mute themselves and their culture in most settings to avoid consequences of stereotypes being used against them. So I may feel a bit tired from compartmentalizing sometimes and I certainly need to avoid compartmentalizing anti-racism work, but compartmentalizing doesn’t harm me while it harms BIPOC everyday.
Christin Spoolstra.
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