Lace on Race

Racism is America’s Accent

“Ope, let me just scooch past you!” I exclaimed, brushing past someone on the path as I hiked with my family. Sometimes, I recognize my Midwest upbringing sneaking back in to my language. I have only been in Colorado for three months, after all. Certainly, not long enough to significantly shift my go-to language or my accents.

I was tagged recently in a thread about the prevalence of racism, of white supremacy, in our society and culture. In us. In me. The post happened to be to an audience significantly comprised of survivors of abuse.

Comment after comment after comment.

“I’ll pass on this corporate guilt tactic.”

“Love is the answer.”

“White people are shamed daily and forced to apologize for their heritage.”

“I don’t need yet another person undoing the great work I have done for years finding my worth and moving away from being defined by others telling me how bad I am.”

Each comment reacting in defense holding a grain, or in many cases, logs, of white supremacy. I would like to address specifically, though, the repeated common thread of those previously abused “discarding” further abuse of being told they are “bad.”

Being abused, past or present, is not a closed loop. Being abused does not exclude me from being an abuser.

How else am I supposed to recognize where I am doing the same harm I experienced *to someone else* if I decide that someone telling me that I am harming them is equivalent to my being abused?

I am absolutely, not astonished, but livid at how fast even those who have experienced abuse (I include myself here) grasp at any straws of power…as if that somehow erases my own experience of being abused.

Y’all. Saying you are victimized by someone pointing out CULTURAL ABUSE (of which we are all a part of) is using victim status or abused status as a power play. Never mind the gaslighting of an abuser telling the abused that they (the abuser) are the ones being harmed.

You know how everyone in the Midwest says *ope*? Or how accents are prominent in certain geographic locations?

Racism is America’s accent.

That is an observation. When a communication researcher observes patterns of speaking among groups of humans, that is not an attack. Unfortunately, in the case of racism, this “accent” is harmful.

And the real kicker?

Even if you move away, the accent still lurks. When you get angry. When you are back in comfortable settings. When you are tired.

It is more than a habit. It is more than an addiction.

It is a reflex.

Racism is a re-flex.

This accent is all about power. The only way to catch a reflex is to be prepared in advance to mitigate it. But, of course, that means acknowledging it. So that you can hear it. See it. Catch it. And stop being the abuser.

Ope.

Join us in the Bistro for discussion of this post.

Marlise Flores

35 responses to “Racism is America’s Accent”

  1. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Marlise,
    It’s a few days later, since we had this discussion. I’ve come back and re-read this thread a few times. Your words here, have not left me. I keep turning them over in my head.

    “Am I anti racist to fulfill myself? That’s the question. That’s the string. Do I do good to feel better, think of myself as better, etc?”

    Your analogy about parenting, also kept coming up to in my mind.
    From your thoughtful post, Marlise,
    “For me, this relates strongly to parenting. My parents are so absolutely invested in the thought that they have done better than their parents, that they have given much and sacrificed much for their children (which they have), that if I point out that I still grew up in extreme trauma their response is defensiveness, denial, and saying I am ungrateful for everything they have done. Strings attached. It means that, conscious or not, all of the sacrifice was done for protection. Protection from being “not good,” protection from accountability.”

    Here’s where this took me, regarding my strings of attachment.

    I felt deeply triggered by the words of DiDi Delgado, bashing social workers. I took it very personally. I didn’t want to hear, what I knew to be true: the system is broken, ineffective, and victimizes the very people it’s responsible for assisting. I reacted similarly to your parents when you try to tell them, you experienced extreme trauma. It seem they couldn’t bear to hear that. I felt the same defensiveness, denial, and pain..they displayed. To accept that I was part of a system that harmed, that I was a tool of that oppression, and I spent my career do that, is a very hard pill to swallow. It’s gut wrenching. This tells me that this is very much a personal issue for me.

    Yes I want to be a good person doing good things. My ego and sense of self worth is tied up in this. There are strings attached. Thank you for trying to help me see that. I may have needed some time to let the pain of the truth dissipate.

  2. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Kerri,
    {{{{HUG}}}}
    Love, Rebecca

  3. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    I should have said, in the second paragraph, that was my HUSBAND’S sister…not the same person I was sharing about, before. There were two different examples. To be clear…

  4. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    It was my hope that we could find a touch point and common ground. We are here in this space to be allies, and activists. Not just to talk…though that is essential…talking to ourselves, to other white folks, using our voices to bring racism to the surface. It is an arduous task. It takes bravery, to do within families especially. Family dynamics are especially loaded and volatile. It’s one thing to speak with a group of like minded people who share our dreams, goals and intentions. It’s whole other thing to try and bring parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins into a conversation about white privilege, white supremacy and our responsibility to be actively anti-racist.
    My youngest sister is an elementary school teacher. She’s way way more conservative than I am in every way of her being. Her spouse is libertarian. (Don’t even get me started on that). One day she went off a rant about how all the resources and extra funding was going to the inner city schools, while her elementary school depended on the parents to pitch in for the needed supplies and extras…her righteous indignation was volcanic. “Our parents work hard for the things they have. The supplies and programs and extras are expensive. All the schools should get an equal amount! It’s not fair.” Now, I’m an MSW by training. I knew that my sister’s world view and limited understanding is fully influenced by white privilege and supremacy. I also knew I could not say that to her. It would lead nowhere but to more yelling and anger. I listened. I tried to convey back the feelings. I was quiet. Then I ventured a toe out…”some of the these schools are in poverty stricken areas,” I began, gently. “These kids may have parents working two and three jobs just to make rent and bring home food.” She shut me down. “Don’t “social work” me, Becky.” was her first response. I tried again. I gave her statistics, shared personal examples of what, I myself, had witnessed about the hardships of these area schools. Didn’t matter. She didn’t want to hear me. I was making her really angry (read very uncomfortable).
    My sister, and brother in law have excommunicated us, over our support of Elliott. My sister in law wrote to my husband and said, “don’t call me, don’t write, don’t try to contact me.” She even went as far as saying she would not be attending their mother’s funeral (we are caring for my mother in law, their 93 yr. old Mom, via hospice). She has cut ties with both of he brothers and by extention their families. END. OF. STORY. So yes, I can also relate to those family members who will abandon you if you stand up for your beliefs and they don’t align with theirs. I feel you, Kerri. It’s rough. I’m guessing though, that you, and I – we wouldn’t accept not living our truth- loving with all our might, and doing what we know is right and just. That is who we are and we have that freedom to be. Even if our family doesn’t like it, or won’t support it. We are going to be authentically ourselves. Maybe they don’t accept it. Hopefully they will see us do it anyway. Maybe we plant a seed in them. Make them think. Or at least not be able to ignore. That is my hope.

  5. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    I could be more specific about the different actions I’m taking, and where I am using my financial resources if you would like me to be more detailed.

  6. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Good morning Lace,
    Thank you for this question. Hesed: Do the work that is given to do. Clean my own eyes. See the ways my conditioning, thoughts, beliefs and actions are shaped by my privilege and white supremacy and practice with intention to remove those self-centered white-splaining, privileged supremacy lenses. See what is in front of me, as clearly as I can. Listen, listen, listen, to Black and Brown people, and to my fellow Caucasian sojourners, especially when they are trying to help me see, what I can’t seem to see. Provide support, comfort, resources – use my voice, my finances, what ever I have at my disposal to assist Black and Brown people, and further the goal of ending racism.

  7. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Dear Julie,
    My thoughts are:
    White supremacy is an oppressive system for everyone trapped in it. It is aimed at controlling, suppressing and exploiting Black and Brown people. It is a corrupt damanging system.
    People are not broken. People don’t need fixing. People are imperfectly beautiful, worthy, and full of potential. When people have full recognition, equity, and personhood they will flourish. White supremacy is the barrier to that flourishing for Black and Brown people (and even white people who are unwittingly stuck in it and supporting it) .
    I can’t “save” anyone but myself. What I can do is walk with others, assist, support, stand with them and by them in solidarity, and dependable love. I can speak out, provide resources, give comfort, listen, listen, listen, hold space for them and love them as I do myself, all along the way, as we work to make our world.
    As to centering: I do this way too much. This is clear as I see the length of my comments. Brevity has never been m strong suit. I think as I write.
    My work here is to notice when the ways I continuing to supporting, and perpetuate white supremacy, in my thoughts, words, and actions, and then intentionally take those ” self-centered white person glasses” off so that I can see more clearly, and do better work to support Black and Brown people and my fellow white allies as we move to dismantle the system.

  8. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Dear Julie Helwege,
    Thank you for sharing with me. I will respond to your share tomorrow, when I am fresh. Sleep well, all. Peace.

  9. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Dear Marlise, I see your responses to my post below. There are not reply buttons attached to/beneath them. I’m not sure how these discussion threads work. So, I’ll use this one, on my last comment and plunge from there. Hope that is right.

    Am I anti-racist to fulfill myself? Do I “do good” to feel better, think of myself as better? My gut response is, no. Is my desire to mitigate the harm I’ve done to my fellow Black and Brown human beings, about my own ego…I mean…I don’t think so. I stammer here, because I haven’t viewed anti-racist work from that viewpoint, until you brought my attention to it. Is this all about me? If it was, I could walk away easily. My entire existence has been designed, both unconsciously, and overtly, to not think about racism. That’s how the system perpetuates itself. Not paying attention to it, much easier than facing it, directly.
    Do I forget myself entirely? No, that’s not true either. I’m a human being. I have a sense of self and an ego. ls the stroking of my ego the reason to do anti-racist work? I don’t think so. If I wanted to build up my ego, I could think of dozens of easier, quicker paths than being actively anti-racist.
    I get where you’re going with the analogy of jumping in front of boulder, rolling down the hill, crushing black and brown people. I got a bit literal, thinking about it. I don’t want to get crushed in the path of that boulder. That said, let me clear: I’m not jumping in front of it. But I will pull as many people as I can out of it’s path. *I Want To Lessen The Harm I Cause.* Not become a martyr. Are you asking me, am I willing to lay down my life for this cause? To risk my own safety, and face my own potential demise in order to see justice done for my fellow Black and Brown human beings?
    That’s a pretty profound question. It’s a startling thing to ask a person. What am I willing to die for? Not an easy question to answer. At all.
    Is this what is required of white people? To step in front of the proverbial boulder and get crushed to spare the Black and Brown people in it’s path? To jump in front of the firing squad and take the bullets? No, I am not that sacrificial. I believe there is a way forward without complete self sacrifice. At least I sincerely hope so.

    “The thing is, we white people act like Black and brown people are the ones withholding something from us.” What do you mean, here? Do I “act like” – as an individual white person- that Black and Brown People are withholding something from me? How does a person who thinks like this act? I don’t know. I can’t figure out how to respond to this because I don’t imagine White People, as an “US”, or Black and Brown People, as a “THEM”. Yes I see color. No, I’m not trying to erase any one. When a statement is made with labels that turn masses of human beings into White People, or Black People – those groupings lose meaning, for me. It’s like saying there is some kind fully formed collective consciousness that all humans of a certain skin tone share. A Hive mind.
    It’s as nebulous as listening to politicians say, “The American People” want this or think that- blah blah blah. There is no “The American People”. There’s no monolithic Black, Brown, or White people either. We aren’t some colossal singular organism with a shared brain. We are all the products of the system of white supremacy – yes. But we have agency. We can think. We can question. We can reason and do those things independently.
    Here’s what I know about being white. I was born in a white supremacist culture, with white privilege. Here’s what I think I understand about Black and Brown people…they were not born into the supremacy and privilege that I have. That oppression has been, and continues to be, harmful, destructive, downright lethal and deadly. Would I sacrfice my life for the cause of changing that? Is that the only option? Because that’s a pretty dire choice.
    Your response may well be that Black and Brown people don’t get to choose whether or not they want to sacrifice their lives, and it is full-on white privilege to acknowledge that I have that kind of power and choice. That fact is true. I am in a position to choose. It’s privileged and supremacist. I see that and I know it.
    What if the analogy was, would I go to war, fight and die to defend my fellow Americans from an vicious invading foreign enemy. Would I lay down my life then? How is that second scenario different from the boulders crushing Black and Brown people? I don’t want to go to war. Killing people is primitive and doesn’t solve a damn thing. Killing is senseless. And those who aren’t killed are left so traumatized that being alive is it’s own kind of death.

    UGH. I don’t know the answer.

    I do know world governments don’t leave the choices to their citizens, when it comes to fighting and killing one another. We citizens are conscripted, drafted, rounded up and forced into wars by powers greater than our single selves. As a species, homo Sapiens is pretty aggressive. Humans kill each other so often, for so many different reasons, I can’t figure out how we managed to overpopulate the planet. We humans do have a phenomenal record of successful reproduction, and a staggering ability to kill one another (and other animals as well). We are our own worst enemy.

    “Oh if I prioritize someone else’s wishes completely, then I am vulnerable to abuse.” I’m not worried about being vulnerable to abuse from Black and Brown people. I’m not becoming anti-racist to abuse any one, or to be abused. I want to END white-triarchy hierarchy, patriarchy, oligarchy, etc. Power to the people. All the people. No exceptions. Everyone included. As the Bahai’ faith says,- one world, one human family, no exceptions.
    I didn’t do my job as a spiritual calling or a “sacrifice” – that was the job. I did my job. I saw what it took to do it well and I kept trying to do it well. And no, my professional career is not a reason or excuse to not have to do what I can to make this world better. This is the work. It’s not optional. It’s not my responsibility to finish it, or do it all. I can’t. I’m not free to walk away either. Though many people will, and do walk away.
    I intend to do my part. I want to. That’s what I can own, and promise, with honesty, dependability and integrity.
    Now, what other people think my share of the work is, and what I think my share of the work is – that may differ – and I an open to, and up for that discussion. I am ready willing to trade away my privilege for the greater good. It would be a better world if, instead, we all share in and enjoy the same privileges, regardless of race, gender, religion, or ethnicity.

  10. Lace Watkins Avatar
    Lace Watkins

    How do you conceptualize ‘Hesed’?

  11. Julie Helwege Avatar
    Julie Helwege

    Hey Rebecca, I struggle with white saviorism and the “fixer” ego. They are ingrained, go-to flexes for me.

    I’ll also throw out uncentering is where I am really growing around these go-to’s. I constantly evaluate whether or not I am centered.

    If you go back and read your comments, how much was centered on you? How much pivoted to race?

    How much was focused on lessening and mitigating the harm to BIPOC perpetuated by you and white supremacy?

    There is so much supremacy in centering and how we (I) create space for ourselves (myself) as WP. Even in racial justice and anti-racism walking.

    I’m curious your thoughts.

  12. Marlise Flores Avatar
    Marlise Flores

    Am I anti racist to fulfill myself? That’s the question. That’s the string. Do I do good to feel better, think of myself as better, etc?

    If so, I will never jump in front of the boulder rolling down the hill crushing Black and brown people. I will stay on the side maintaining my image, my life, my needs.

    The thing is, we white people act like Black and brown people are the ones withholding something from us. “Oh if I prioritize someone else’s wishes completely, then I am vulnerable to abuse.” Who exactly has been the abuser here though? And how the heck did we make basic human recognition and agency an extreme ask? We do so as long as we want to maintain power.

    Any tool can and is be used by white supremacy. This includes “sacrifice.” And we are both individual and collective. We cannot keep trying to separate the impact of us as individuals to absolve our impact as collective….and vice versa.

  13. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    You know what Rebecca? I think in this case I’ve been kicking myself and defining myself through my perceived failures. Not that I haven’t reacted in “fragile” or re-flexive ways, because I have. I guess I’ve just got to stop being so dramatic about my failures. Thank you for your perspective.

  14. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    Wow. That was so powerful. God bless Elliott. I have gathered from various responses that a lot of my clench relates to my binary worldview, but your relating this to Elliott and the journey you’ve been on, as a parent, has blown my mind. Wow. Thank you. Yes, please! It would be my honour to walk with you!

  15. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    The question: Where are our “strings” or rewards, inner needs, attached? That is where white supremacy thrives. I’m trying to unpack this. I feel afraid to look into this (metaphorical) box. How are my personal, psychic, emotional needs attached to the work of anti-racism? Is this the question you are asking me? I want to make sure I am understanding you. Did I get it, Marlise?

  16. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Dear Lace, and Marlise, Hello to you both and thank you for taking the time to read my post. What a welcoming invitation. I am happy to walk with both of you. Marlise, I hear what you are saying about strings attached. I also relate to how what I chose to do was about needing to be “good” and being able to “fix” things – yes it was about deep internal needs and ego, to be sure. That’s what drew me to social work. In the long term, it’s not why I stayed. Because no matter what I’d have imagined – social work turned out to be anything but that. I realized it was not my place to “fix” anything. The beautiful souls I was given the opportunity to meet in my role as social worker, weren’t broken. They didn’t need “fixing”. I then came to understand I wasn’t “good” or “bad” based on how much I was able to co-create a different scenario with the people I met.
    Yes, Marlise, I was looking for a reward from the work. (It wasn’t money – if it was I picked the wrong line of work.) I wanted to be of use. I feel good when I can be useful in some manner. I know that feeling I could make a difference for someone or with someone, in partnership with them, as assistance to them, is why I wanted to keep working in often untenable, relentlessly difficult job roles.
    I saw the system as too big to take on. I felt too small. I couldn’t see how to impact it, and felt I couldn’t go at it alone. I’m no Joan of Arc. I was not Gandhi. I disdained leadership. It still terrifies me. I saw, and still see what happens to change makers like those iconic figures. I was not, am not, brave enough for that kind of life.

    So despite my distaste for the institutions which I saw were inadequate: corrupt, mysogenist, racist, homophobic, etc. (and they were all of these oppressive “isms” – in no small part- because they were constructed by white people – men & women), I became a cog in the wheel of those systems. I over extended until I couldn’t anymore, and my mental illness (clinical depression with panic attack feature) flared with a vengeance that nearly took my life. Self destruction isn’t the way. Self transformation is.
    What I couldn’t do while I was inside the system, I am now seeing how to do outside of it.

    As to the concept of ‘strings attached’. Yes I see it. Can you help me to understand the how cutting those strings is an important step in the process of becoming anti-racist? I say this because I often think, philosophically, is each human being looking for a reward, an inner need that seeks gratification…at our very most basic level? What is the motivation to make change, if there is nothing personal at stake? If I did not love of care about myself, I could not love or care my fellow human beings. I want to be included in the circle of love and healing that I take a tiny part in co-creating. I ache to belong. It soothes my existential fear of being completely alone.

  17. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    The heart and bravery with which you communicate is beautiful. Who amongst us, that self select to be here, don’t want to be a good human? I feel your intention, as I have the same intention. I can relate to you. I see you. I hear you. I think I understand where you are coming from. As for your intellect. It’s perfectly fine. I don’t think this is about intelligence. Most everyone is capable and “smart” enough. I wonder if it’s seeing things from a different perspective so as to course correct our choices and actions. I wish we could get away from qualifying ourselves as good or bad. It’s a very binary way of seeing the world. This or that. One or the other.
    I am the very proud mother of a non-binary gender fluid person. Elliott, my younger child, taught me that gender is not two categorical boxes, but a continuum of gradient and variety. I had no idea what they meant when they first told me this. When they were born, their anatomy was recognizable as female. I believed I had given birth to a baby girl. This was the best I knew with the information and understanding I had, at that time. We named her Leah-Rose. We used she/her pronouns. We ”gendered” her as a female. At the age of 25, my kid had the enormous courage, and unflappable belief in themselves to tell her Dad and me who they felt they really were. We were both stunned, and devastated, by this. So many feelings: shock, confusion, fear, grief, anger, incredible anxiety over what this meant and how the wider world would treat our beloved child. For me, despite whatever we thought was true, Elliott was telling us, who they were and wanted to live out their lives, being. For us, there was no equivocation: we love and support our kids 100% and this would not ever change that. But we suffered to try and understand. To help, and not harm our beautiful brave incredible kid. I had to be reborn along with Elliott. I had to see them and the whole world, differently. It was a nightmare some days. It was so hard. I had to let go of everything I thought I knew and understood about my kid, about life, about me. This was a gift I never wanted. I couldn’t see it as the blessing it was for a very long while. Now, I am better for the struggle, the pain, the learning and growing. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I see my child happier and more full of life and energy than ever before. What more could a parent hope for?
    I say all this because I think there are parallels in this journey of becoming anti-racist. It’s going to change us. It’s going to be painful at times, it’s going to challenge and stretch us, and be unpleasant. Kerri Fowlie, may I walk with you, as we struggle forward? I offer my hand.

  18. Emily Holzknecht Avatar
    Emily Holzknecht

    *crossposted to the Bistro*
    “Even if you move away, the accent still lurks. When you get angry. When you are back in comfortable settings. When you are tired.”
    When you live within it and everyone around you talks the same way, you don’t even know you have an accent. There is no awareness. It is when around others who don’t talk that way that we become aware and begin to learn to speak in other ways, but for sure when we get back around people who are comfortable and familiar, it comes back, and we don’t talk about the accent because everyone is talking that way. But we need to talk about it. When we are around white people we need to talk about racism, especially in these spaces where it is so much the norm that we don’t even have to think about its existence. And we need to use caution in terms of the company we keep. We need to go back into the comfortable settings and make them uncomfortable, but we also need to keep strong company with others who are working to root out racism and confront it so that we are strengthening those muscles and those synapses rather than the other.

  19. Marlise Flores Avatar
    Marlise Flores

    Rebecca, I am realizing how much of what I do is deep down, strings attached. You said you didn’t go into your profession to be a white savior, but to help. Yet, deep down, the string attached expectation is that you be recognized as good for what you’ve sacrificed. You didn’t pick an “easy” job. You picked a care profession that the system entirely looks down on….but it does that as an extension of white supremacy. In that framework, care workers are forced to be an extension of white supremacy through lack of resources, difficult hours, etc. Care professions also are often the individuals that give the final word on someone’s worth. As white people, it is impossible to separate out our power as white people, and the nature of that job- good intentions or not.
    What I ask myself is am I keeping strings attached by being defeated when absolutely necessary and valid critique is offered or… am I willing to let go of myself, of that deep string I have in relation to everything I see as things I’ve given, in order to truly see other people and how they have and are suffering from the arm of white supremacy that I’ve chosen as a profession.
    For me, this relates strongly to parenting. My parents are so absolutely invested in the thought that they have done better than their parents, that they have given much and sacrificed much for their children (which they have), that if I point out that I still grew up in extreme trauma their response is defensiveness, denial, and saying I am ungrateful for everything they have done. Strings attached. It means that, conscious or not, all of the sacrifice was done for protection. Protection from being “not good,” protection from accountability.
    Where are my, and your, strings deeply attached? That’s where power leveraged-white supremacy-thrives.

  20. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    How is racism a reflex for me? This is such a helpful question to study. How do my thoughts, intellectual ideas, my speech, writing, etc. all forms of my self-expression/communication reflect my upbringing of white privilege and supremacy? I think this is where a group like LaceonRace is a blessing. It’s a space to bring into sharp relief, what is unconscious/invisble to me. I welcome this revealing of the unseen/unrealized. We come here to change, so we can be agents of change.
    I came out of birth canal with a pink complexion. It wasn’t a choice. That’s where I landed in the cosmic stew. In a pale skinned human body. Where I is my sphere of influence? What is within my power? How I wield my whiteness and all that comes with that skin tone. One of the things that comes with it, it responsibility. I must lessen the harm I have done to other humans based on my Caucasian genetics. I am not capable of mending everything that needs healing. I’m only one person. Intention: I want to be a healing force, wherever I can be. Life is about being the most loving person I can be. Love myself. Love my family. Love my friends. Love my neighborhood and city. Love my state. My nation. The world. Love my enemies, while taking steps to not allow them to harm me. It’s an imperfect practice. An ongoing process. Fellow humans, I reach my hand out to you, in love. I come to you, in the intention of cooperation, respect, peace. I desire to do no harm. If I do cause harm, I want to make amends. That’s where I try to begin each day I am gifted, and where I aim to end at the close of that day. It’s my hope that I lived the day well. That I lived my intentions, and honored the gift of this life. Hesed.

  21. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    I just re-read my post. I did not mean that I felt poorly treated here, at LaceonRace. Here I am being mentored, being helped to unlearn the reflex of racism. I believe that is the work I have to do, to get all of us where we want to go. The change must start with me, within me. The inner work is essential to being an effective ally/activist. I wasn’t referring to my experience here. I was sharing my struggle with the class I’m in.

  22. Lace Watkins Avatar
    Lace Watkins

    Rebecca, this is Lace! I don’t think I have seen your name or face before. May I walk with you for a bit?

  23. Rebecca Behar Avatar
    Rebecca Behar

    Dear Kerri,
    I understand how you are feeling. I’ve been feeling many of the same feelings, myself, as I listen in the “Dismantling Racism” class I’m taking with DiDi Delgado. I feel it as a respond to posts and discussion threads here and LoR. I’m also a few groups on FaceBook that are diverse groups of humans committed to the goal of creating a world where racism cannot exist.
    I find it hard to not take this personal, internal work “personally”. I wonder at points, is there a way to do this without the feelings of shame, inadequacy, guilt, even self-loathing. How am I going to love anyone else, if I can’t love myself? (This is RuPaul’s famous quote, but it’s a good fit here).
    I feel the fatigue, and I get grumpy, as Radha says. I’m a retired MSW. I worked in the Aging and Families area of social, in hospice, hospital, and psychiatric social work. My first job out of school was as an Alzheimer’s Daycare Asst. Director. In my professional life, I met all races, ethnicities, faiths, and genders. It was a broad spectrum. I tried to help every single human being as much as I could, often working 16 hour days, making phone calls at night, doing paperwork in the evenings and on weekends, so I could spend more quality time with people. I didn’t go into social work because I thought the system was a good one. It’s not. It’s as racist and classist as any other. I didn’t choose my profession because I loved endless mounds of paperwork, red tape and beaurocrasy. And I for sure, didn’t go into SW to punish, to police, or to be a “white savior.”
    I simply wanted to be the change I wished to see in the world. I wanted to move the needle a little bit in the right direction – the direction of justice, equity, inclusion, love. Most social workers are underpaid, overworked, trivialized by the systems they work within, and can burnt out very easily. It ain’t glamorous and it doesn’t pay all that well.
    Last week, in DiDi Delagado’s Dismantling Racism class, she put up a slide with this header:
    “Social Workers Can Kiss My Ass”. Under the heading she said social workers were simply an extention of policing, that they do more harm than good, they destroy families, and are biased against POC.
    Yes. The systems are broken. They were broken long before I was born. They are still inadequate and fraught with problems. But it’s not policing. It’s noting of the kind. Adult Protective Services and Child Protective Services are one thin sliver of the myriad of kinds of work social workers do.
    I was reduced to a ‘bad actor’, my efforts were destructive, I was simply policing. Generalization, and oversimplifications. From my perspective, outright misinformation about social workers.
    I felt abused and dehumanized…which I believe was the exact point Ms. Delgado was trying to make about how Black and Brown folks feel when interacting with social service system. Yeah. I get it. Guess what…so do the social workers. We also felt abused and dehumanized, being asked to “make magical” change without the social will and support of society, and little to no resources. I have always worked outside the social services system on racial equity and social justice issues. Of course what I do isn’t enough. It never will be. I am one person. I can only do what I can do. I pledge to do with love, reliability, and a humble heart. But if you kick a dog long enough, even loyal dog will try to find a way to break away from his human caregiver, and seek safety.

  24. Vicki van den Eikhof Avatar
    Vicki van den Eikhof

    Great. I’ll see you there. I left you a paragraph to chew on. 🙂 Also, I’ve been to Scotland three times for the Festival Fringe. I love it! I’m from Washington State and the weather is somewhat similar.

  25. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    Super. It’s 1am in Scotland now, so I’ll be offline for the next 8-9 hours, ok?

  26. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    I think I just did that successfully (hopefully)!

  27. Danielle Holcombe Avatar
    Danielle Holcombe

    Community means you don’t have to walk it alone Kerri. It doesn’t always mean we like what we hear, but we can walk with you together when you can talk about the clenches. Can you copy/paste your initial comment above into the Bistro post here?
    https://laceonrace.com/groups/the-bistro/forum/discussion/racism-is-americas-accent/

  28. Vicki van den Eikhof Avatar
    Vicki van den Eikhof

    Kerri, I’ll go over into the Bistro to continue our conversation.

  29. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    Ok. I can work with being “good enough” while still striving to be better. I think the absolutism in my head is problematic. I think part of my personal issue here is that my being “good” is virtually my entire identity and I strive to do things that reaffirm this notion for me. Hmm. Ego. Hmm. Sometimes I don’t feel intelligent enough to be in this space. Is my reflexive supremacy so debilitating that my thought processes are impaired? Or am I just a bit “challenged” by the new ways of thinking?

  30. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    Yes. Use this, please, I have to get my head around my sticking point here. That my internal clenches are problematic are impacting my engagement and causing harm are a “given”. I’m sorry that I haven’t found my way out of this by myself.

  31. Christina Sonas Avatar
    Christina Sonas

    Kerri, we’d like to bring this into the discussion for this post in the Bistro – will you follow it there?

  32. Christina Sonas Avatar
    Christina Sonas

    The liminal space about being “good enough” is a massive challenge for white people, in all spheres, I think because white supremacy gives us “good” while driving us in the opposite direction from “enough”. Our inner humanity KNOWS that we are not being good when we are supporting racism. So we are really, deeply incompetent at holding the both / and: I am both good enough, and able to do better. It’s a critical threshold, because as you say, when we feel harmed by challenges to our white supremacy, we will not endure with the work.

  33. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    Yes, please. Thank you.

  34. Vicki Avatar
    Vicki

    Kerri,
    I feel the pain and the rawness. I have not always been reliable, either. I will not always be reliable in the future. I am about to leave the house but I want to come back and walk with you on this in a few hours, if you’re willing.

  35. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    Yep. I’ve been clenching with this reflex. I’m fed up of being the “bad” actor. I’m fed up with being a disappointment to Lace. I’m angry that my years of counseling – learning that I’m ‘good enough’ is challenged here. I’m angry that, despite the intense personal work I have done “out loud” in this space, the arguments with family members about racism that has left, not only me, but my family effectively disowned, still hasn’t bought me into this club. There. There’s the transaction. There’s my problem. My frustration. The reflex. No, Lace, I didn’t think my anti-racism work was finished. I just wanted to explore Black literature, follow anti-racism writers on Medium, watch Ted Talks and make sense of my newfound awareness. I AM changed, in as much as I see so much racism now that never would have been on my radar before. I see it in my colleagues and even on the “good” side of my family- not overt racism- I see the subtler micro-aggressions that are, apparently, what being a ‘nice’ white woman is all about. I can see my benefit in maintaining the status quo: white women are second in command to white men, whose duty it is to protect us. ALL of my “outside” reading has confirmed every word Lace has written – especially Bell Hooks ‘ “Ain’t I a Woman”. I’m back in Radha ‘s “liminal space” and I don’t like it. I can’t un-see or un-learn what is revealed in this work here with Lace, but I’m a resentful child in the constant requirement to examine every nuance of my personhood. I’m defensive because the deck is stacked against me, I never get to be “good enough”. In not being black, I can never be the good person I think I am, because white is inherently bad. And here I am, back to being a child, seeing the world in absolutes. My head is tired with the intensity of the personal work. The abstract readings, where I don’t have to bear my soul, are easier because I can read them more objectively. I am here. I am struggling. I agree that my racism is a reflex, but if it is inescapable, how can I move forward, off of this liminal space?

    I’m sorry this is so raw, and doubtlessly problematic. I’m struggling.

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