Lace on Race

A Quilt of Vision: Abiding in Community

Reflection is something I do frequently. However, I have never had the opportunity to reflect over not just my growth as an individual, but also my growth as part of a community, at least I had never considered myself as part of a community. As a part of Lace on Race, I am finding more and more that my reflections as an individual are starting to merge into reflections of my participation and growth in a community. Not just in this space, but in all my lived spaces.

Certainly I can be a single actor in learning and living anti-racism, but I am starting to see and feel the weaknesses of that. I am starting to challenge my belief that I can be a useful single actor. 

A community brings accountability. A community contains responsibility. A community offers space to learn a new trade, in a new way, with new tools. As Lace often states, “New people doing new things in new ways.” A community is both a refining fire and a deep, renewing well of sustenance. 

If I remain a single actor, I can only bring the water I carry in my flask. My journey lacks a surrounding of voices to challenge me, encourage me, correct me, and admonish me. I will not get very far before growing tired. When I make camp, I am vulnerable to adversaries, both external and internal. I will not get far without starting to compromise my praxis in order to stay solitary.

My vision for 2020 is this: I will learn to find, abide in, and sustain community. 

I will cast aside my single actor visions of saviorism and goodness. I will be vulnerable and SEEN by communities I walk in. I will be open to the painful (painfully necessary) accountability that comes with being fully seen, warts and all. I will be conscious of the role I play in creating that community, and stay responsible to the commitments I make to uphold that community.

And I desire the same for every one of you. We are a unique community. We are threading together a patchwork quilt despite many of us being miles, states, even continents away from each other. We cannot pop over to our communal gathering with hot tea and a steaming apple pie, basking in each others visible faces. 

But. We can be intentional. We can be intentional about regular engagement. We can be intentional about starting to know each other, to remain with each other. We can help our faces and our souls be seen by each other.

I want to see the threadbare strands of personal connection between us grow into a richly woven tapestry. A thick blanket that one can wrap around her shoulders when the wind howls and the temperature nips at her nose. 

The challenge with my vision, with dreaming in a community, is that the vision cannot flourish without the participation of my community. We are in this together. 

-Marlise

Please visit the Discussion Forum for this post
A Quilt of Vision: Abiding in Community

Hope and Vision Series Links:

Hopes: An Introduction

Sitting in Liminal Spaces

A Quilt of Vision: Abiding in Community

Reflect on Whiteness, Reject the Myths, Engage in “Good Trouble”

Weekend of Hope: The Lace on Race Vision


Marlise Flores

129 responses to “A Quilt of Vision: Abiding in Community”

  1. Emily Esterly Avatar
    Emily Esterly

    Thank you! Will do – I missed that step.

  2. Vicki van den Eikhof Avatar
    Vicki van den Eikhof

    My own growth depends on my ability to engage with others. I can only grow so far on my own. Speaking of which, it doesn’t look like you have registered at our website. I invite you to click on “Join the Conversation” on the home page and fill out your profile, including a picture. There are only so many ways to build community online, and having a profile with a picture really helps develop that sense of community here.

  3. Emily Esterly Avatar
    Emily Esterly

    “If I remain a single actor…My journey lacks a surrounding of voices to challenge me, encourage me, correct me, and admonish me.”

    This reinforces for me the distinction, in this space, between engaging individually with each post and engagement directly with one another in community. I’m grateful for the push to do the latter. My instinct would otherwise be to treat this as a solo exercise, and inside my own head I would have no idea if I’m actually making progress toward the North Star here. At the end of the day we are trying to strengthen community, and how can we do that without first being in community?

  4. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    This article describes why I’m here. I am a white woman living in a very white community and aspiring to be consistently anti-racist. I need to step out of the echo chamber of whiteness that I live in and engage with others if I want to grow from here. I”m here for the community and I’m thankful something like this exists.

  5. Julie Helwege Avatar
    Julie Helwege

    Great point. White supremacist behavior is manipulative and there are many artificial approaches to reducing my agency and it starts with staying centered on me. I’ve grown a lot in learning how to uncenter here and the burden I place on others when I slosh (and when it’s also intentional).

  6. Clare Steward Avatar
    Clare Steward

    Marlise, so beautifully written. I am excited to be part of this community. To learn and grow and share in this “safe-ish” space where it’s going to be uncomfortable and challenging. Growth and change is not easy work and I’m ready for it.

  7. Emily Holzknecht Avatar
    Emily Holzknecht

    The renewing well of community supports the work because some of the work is internal and internal work requires a level of vulnerability. I can get to deeper levels of vulnerability and internal work because of the support of the renewing well. The renewing well supports coming often and working harder. The North Star requires me to be relentlessly reliable whether or not I feel that support in the moment. Still having the renewing well supports being relentlessly reliable too.

  8. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    And how has that renewing well of community aided you in pursing the North Star of racial justice?

  9. Emily M Holzknecht Avatar
    Emily M Holzknecht

    Shay, you write about white people being tired when we have hardly done anything. It reminds me of a post on LOR that said something about how white people are tired for no reason. I wonder if part of why we are tired is because we try to walk alone, because of our individualism and our lack of community.

  10. Emily M Holzknecht Avatar
    Emily M Holzknecht

    It is 6 months since you wrote this comment Konztanze. I am wondering if you have felt that community has helped you get unstuck.

  11. Emily M Holzknecht Avatar
    Emily M Holzknecht

    In the last 12 years or so, I have sought community in one way or another. Before that I very much functioned on my own even when I was supposed to be part of a team. I realize though that in the last 12 years when I have sought community, some of the time I was seeking the refining fire and sometimes I was hoping to get the deep, renewing well of sustenance without the refining fire. I talked with someone who is pursuing building a cohousing community where residents have private homes and also share a common house, common space and shared governance to make a sort of intentional village. He said that he had heard that living in cohousing is like being in therapy all the time, a reference to that refining fire of community. I came to this community mostly seeking the refining fire and finding it. As I have participated more regularly I have also felt the renewing well of sustenance.

  12. Danielle Joy Holcombe Avatar
    Danielle Joy Holcombe

    Iron sharpens iron…that’s what this makes me think of. On my own, my perspectives are so limiting and while I certainly can and should read (and do) and research and do my own learning, I am also very likely to become “dull” and continue to walk around with blinders on and causing harm.

    Because being in community brings to light things that wouldn’t otherwise be obvious to me; both in my own behavior and clenches as I interact with other community members, and also in hearing new perspectives and insight from others that I might not have considered before.

    I see the vision of the tapestry we can weave together here. It is varied and beautiful. I am excited to be a part of it – and also committed to stay even when I’m inclined to turn inwards.

  13. Christina Sonas Avatar
    Christina Sonas

    My first comment here was after only two weeks in Lace on Race! Now I am a week short of the six-month mark — and quilts are on my mind. When my partner was leaving for college, he rescued from the top of the garbage bin a king-size quilt his mother had made fifteen years before. At the time, she couldn’t afford to buy something that size; so she repurposed into a standard granny-square quilt all sorts of groovy polyester patterns that she’d made her kids’ clothes out of. (Yes, the 70s.) For the last 33 years, our family has used it. A few months ago, though, the dog found it and chewed several large holes in it before anyone noticed. And now, I’m deconstructing the quilt, because my partner is very sad, and we’ll make him a lap quilt or something so he has that piece of himself still.

    When thinking about our community piecing a patchwork quilt of the North Star, our family’s patchwork quilt reinforces for me many essential parts of our community. There is the repurposing and reshaping of things we already have: our own selves, improved for this task by trimming away our white supremacy and giving the rest of ourselves a good wash. There is the simplicity of the granny square: while each of us is unique, we hold ourselves to the same standards for strength, functionality, and speedy work. There is the quilting bee: all of us surrounding the project, working stitch by granular stitch, sharing our experiences and holding each other accountable. And there is the host, Lace: keeping us all on task; bringing us what we need to succeed; stepping in when she sees something going awry. The master quilter, making sure others become journeyers in her craft, equally skilled at and dedicated to creating warm, welcoming blankets of safety for black and brown people.

    I’m in, 100%.

  14. Rebecca McClinton Avatar
    Rebecca McClinton

    In re reading this piece Im asking myself in what ways I remain a single actor. I’m thinking about times when I seek out racial justice action on my own rather than waiting to see if and how that work is already being done in my community. I think about when I’ve skimmed over rather than savored others thoughtful comments on the boards. I think about my check box mentality. When I look at those things listed I can see how they disregard being ‘conscious of the role I play in creating and being responsible to community’ as is said here.

  15. Rebecca McClinton Avatar
    Rebecca McClinton

    I’ve been thinking about how glorifying individualism is an intentional part of white supremacy. It’s by keeping me focused only on my own experience that it becomes all to easy for racism to grow systemic both inside of me and beyond.

  16. Rebecca McClinton Avatar
    Rebecca McClinton

    Barb, I love the way you related this to your sewing projects and having to go back and fix holes. I’m a VERY novice seamstress and can already see my tendencies to speed past or patch errors rather than go back and truly fix them. Too much work. Hmmm…sounds like a microwave :0). There lies my tendency in this space as well to speed through faster than I should missing key elements. Slowing down, soaking in, diligently fixing and addressing what I need to in myself is where I need to focus.

  17. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    I’ve found email notifications on the website so much more reliable than facebook ones, which has been great; however, as the topic is intentionality, relying on them does lack that. The same way that I open LoR facebook each morning, I’m starting to open the website to check for new content.

  18. Brock Avatar
    Brock

    Barb, I really liked your analogies with knitting and quilting, especially the parts of undoing and redoing. It reminds me to have patience with myself and this process and not to give up when I don’t get it right. Thank you!

  19. Brock Avatar
    Brock

    I don’t think I had ever contemplated the necessity of doing anti-racism work in community before I found Lace on Race. If I were to do this all by myself, I could easily hide, learn what I want to learn, read what I want to read, show up to do the work or not. I’d be a well read racist as Lace says. Being here is a way to shed light on my own internal workings and the many complicated ways that racism and white supremacy manifest in me. I appreciate the accountability and the different insights and perspectives that are helping me go deeper.

    Discussing race and racism is also hard for white Americans. I have a trail of avoided or failed discussions about as long as…I don’t even know what to compare it to. I am realizing that without a community I won’t get where I want to be, and I won’t be doing the work I need to do to dismantle white supremacy in myself and my communities.

    I see the value in taking the time to read and respond thoughtfully as part of building this community, and I look forward to the insights and development we can achieve together. I am glad I found this space.

  20. Shay Roberts Avatar
    Shay Roberts

    Christin, sorry that I’m just now replying to your comment here! Speaking of being intentional, this is a new part of my praxis, intentionally coming to the website and also returning to check for new responses comments.

  21. Shay Roberts Avatar
    Shay Roberts

    Returning to this pinned post and my original comment (as well as adhering to the new norm of responding to at least two other walkers). What stood out to me on this read was the accountability that comes with community. Through my time here, my perspective on accountability has changed. I had previously labeled any accountability as punitive or negative, something to be avoided at all costs. I refused to be vulnerable and show anything real or messy. Several walkers here helped me see that accountability is actually an act of love and something to be expected and not avoided.

  22. Shay Roberts Avatar
    Shay Roberts

    Exactly this. Community brings the required accountability necessary for change. I know that I cannot only rely on self-accountability as I have blind spots about myself. I have to remain open and vulnerable to accountability in community and this begins with changing my perspective on what it even means to be held accountable- it isn’t punitive or a reprimand, but a loving and necessary act.

  23. Marlise Avatar
    Marlise

    That spiral is also a way to artificially remove our agency. If I am so lost in the shame/guilt of getting it wrong, I often expect to be taken care of and am absolutely not thinking about how to mitigate harm and begin conciliation.

  24. Marlise Avatar
    Marlise

    Lee, I think the space we are in matters, too. I appreciate that you are willing to do the digging and reading to answer your own questions. I think that can also sometimes be a way of avoiding the vulnerability that comes with asking questions. Part of my responsibility in any community is knowing what the expectations are for interaction and engagement.

  25. Marlise Avatar
    Marlise

    The distinction is if one decides to remain an individual OR take that individual reflection to a community for accountability and resiliency. Individualism is an American culture and white culture behavior that is dangerous and harmful. Individual responsibility while keeping communal responsibility in mind is not a part of the narrative of individualism.

  26. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Yes, I understand that. I feel a lot of tension around that as well because I don’t want to create additional labor when I can do it myself, but I also need to be willing to put myself out there when I don’t understand. I find myself needing to interrogate why I don’t want to ask in each situation: Is it because I haven’t spent the time to learn it myself? Or is it because I’m afraid of the responses I might get to my question?

  27. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    For me, the distinction is important. I was raised in culture of personal responsibility which feeds into how I view human rights. The narrative I was taught and one that is a real part of white supremacist culture is that if you work hard enough, you’re fine. And if you take care of yourself and don’t need help, that’s morally superior. But what we lose in that – what I lost – is to view others as human and myself as responsible for my community as well as myself. So, for me, in LoR, what that means is I do have to carry my own bucket but that I also need to be there and help others and be a part of maintaining our community.

  28. Lee Avatar
    Lee

    Hi Christin,
    I’m sorry I’m only just picking up your message, my notifications have been going into junk. In answer to your question, I’ve read a lot recently where it’s been stated that it’s unfair to ask black and brown people questions and rely on their emotional labour to teach. I suppose in that sense I’ve felt concious of doing just that and instead have tried to answer my questions through reading and researching.

  29. Lacey Lipe Avatar
    Lacey Lipe

    Hi Kazmyn,
    Welcome!
    As you interact with the posts on the main page, I hope that you will gradually begin to see how both of those things work in tandem.
    For me, it makes the job of my cohorts and fellow walkers much easier if I have spent time in self reflection and accountability, locating myself in the posts on the main board and having an awareness of my role in white supremacy, in order for us to work together as a community to dismantle the layers of it and to lessen and mitigate the harm to Black and brown people that is perpetuated by white people (including me).
    In return, the community gives me strength, necessary (and sometimes painful) feedback, and joy so that I can continue this work… first doing it here at LoR and now elsewhere as well.
    Is this helpful to you in answering your questions?

  30. Kazmyn Avatar
    Kazmyn

    This is about the 3rd post in the pinned series. I have to be honest, I’m not sure the exact distinction you are making on the differences between being individually responsible and being part of a group. If I am self critical and personally responsible, won’t that (by definition) effect how I behave in a group space?

  31. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Hi Lee, Can I ask why you feel you “dare not ask any questions”?

  32. Lee Avatar
    Lee

    I don’t think it’s possible to navigate this road without a community, or at least that’s how I’m starting to think. As you said
    “I will not get very far before growing tired.”
    .
    I’m reading, watching, trying my very best to understand the many ways that I might perpetuate harm unconsciously and conciously. I don’t feel I’m educated enough to know whether what I’m doing is causing harm, feeling confused and frustrated by that but daring not to ask any questions, instead doing more reading… the answers are there.
    .
    “I will be vulnerable and SEEN by communities I walk in. I will be open to the painful (painfully necessary) accountability that comes with being fully seen, warts and all.”
    .
    This resonates with me. I want to been seen but I don’t want to do harm. This is why I’m here in the pinned posts, meticulously working my way through, not because I want to be a well read racist, but because it’s been asked of me and as a new member of the community I respect that.
    .
    Thank you Marlise

  33. Megan Avatar
    Megan

    This is so helpful to me in understanding why lurking is the wrong move in these spaces. It’s easy to fall back on the excuse that “this space isn’t about me, so I should stay silent and just support from afar.” (And I think it’s important to mention that in some spaces, that’s exactly what the community desires of me as a white woman. And I can respect those norms in those spaces and still engage thoughtfully in other communities with different norms!) I’ve never thought about how being in community means being seen. There are so many spaces I consider myself a part of that I never really actively engage with. And that is absolutely about my fear of getting it wrong. I’m afraid of being corrected, I’m afraid of being wrong, I’m afraid of looking stupid or uneducated or unkind. But I’m never going to grow if I don’t embrace the accountability that true community brings. I am committed to learning the norms and guidelines of every space I am a part of, adhering to those guidelines, and being ok with being wrong so that I can learn. Next step: not shutting down when I’m challenged. For me, I don’t have an automatic pushback. I don’t assume those correcting me are wrong. I go into a shame spiral of being embarrassed that I got it so wrong publicly, and it haunts me for hours or days. But duh—this is how I center myself and my whiteness! Instead of really reflecting on the feedback I get, I immediately start thinking about myself and my own pride, and I get so stuck in that that the feedback never really registers. I’m committed to trying—it’s going to be hard and it’s not going to be pretty or comfortable, but I’m ready to stretch!

  34. Megan Avatar
    Megan

    Oh my gosh. This is exactly me, too! I don’t want to get it wrong, so sometimes I stay silent. But I’m realizing that getting it wrong OUT LOUD is an important part of growth. I need the accountability a community provides, so I need to commit to making mistakes out loud and being prepared to be course-corrected and challenged.

  35. Jaime Avatar
    Jaime

    Like many of you in these comments, I have been a “teacher’s pet”, and been afraid to be seen as I am, because I would make mistakes and I would not get cookies. I resonated with “I will be vulnerable and SEEN by communities I walk in.” I want to be seen, warts and all, so that I can be called out and I can change and cause less harm. I want to be seen, warts and all, to be a full part of this community, to bring my whole self.

  36. Emily Malnor Avatar
    Emily Malnor

    Thank you Marlise. I like your focus on this page as a community. I haven’t been focusing on that as much in the short time I’ve been here, but it is so important to remember. This is a community of people which is scary because that means accountability. It’s not just anti-racism grab-and-go. I am particularly drawn to this statement: “I will be conscious of the role I play in creating that community, and stay responsible to the commitments I make to uphold that community.” This is something that I would like to keep in mind for myself here – am I upholding my commitments to this community? Am I doing the work and continuing to grow and engage? Am I contributing?

  37. Barb Chamberlain Avatar
    Barb Chamberlain

    I love this analogy. I both sew and knit so I can also think of a single thread as a ball of yarn. Until it’s worked back and forth and the loops are drawn through each other, it’s just a really, really long piece of string. That work takes patience. Going back and forth, back and forth, row after row, the piece feels as if it’s growing so slowly you can barely tell you’re making progress. But once it’s done, you can see that without any one row the piece would be less than what it is now. If you drop a stitch, you realize you’ve left a hole and you need to go back and pick it up.

    It’s not quite the same image as the quilting bee where all could sit in a circle and contribute their stitches to keep each other warm. What I like about both of them in describing this learning community is that they require attention to detail, patience, willingness to undo and redo if you make a mistake, and they’re skills I can learn as a white woman from others who are gracious enough to share their knowledge.

    I very much appreciate the quilting circle here. As others describe in their comments, I’ve been reading and learning on my own. As a white woman I’ve been so fortunate to have Black women and other women of color in my life who have helped me understand a bit of their lived experience and how words and actions can land before coming to this community, but it’s not as if they signed up to give me feedback every time I post something.

    Being in a space with accountability means so much. Reflecting on real-time news or posts feels like much more of a stretch than the reading groups so many seem to be creating. It makes me think and practice much more than reading a carefully constructed chapter in an academic work. Not that those works aren’t essential too–I love a good batch of footnotes. Each has their place but the everydayness of this and everyone sharing and building on each other’s insights has created an enormous body of work to learn from. It’s a giant quilt.

    Thank you all for holding this space and inviting us in.

  38. Kerri Fowlie Avatar
    Kerri Fowlie

    Thank you, Marlise. The idea that we must weave ourselves into others to live our lead us is really comforting to me. I spend a lot of time in this space reflecting on dissonance between my proclaimed values and my actual foundational beliefs and corresponding behaviiurs. It’s frustrating, uncomfortable work. Even though I know this work is vital, it can also leave me feeling disheartened. Being part of a community, where the white women, like me, are being challenged to really see ourselves and then actively work towards change, really does help me remember that reason for doing anti-racism work is not just my personal growth ‘latest trend’ (like going gluten free), it IS meant to turn me into something practically useful – one of the patches on a quilt, connecting with other patches, whose sum is greater and more meaningful than just existing as a patch of cloth, un-used and therefore useless in any larger context.

  39. J Crane Avatar
    J Crane

    I have often felt alone in my antiracist work. I realize it’s because I haven’t been walking with anyone. I’ve been observing and learning, but as a single actor. I’ve already been taking some of the things I’ve learned here about community into other communities I’m in, engaging more instead of just reacting. It’s made a bit difference for me already. Hopefully it is for others too.

  40. Tonya S. Avatar
    Tonya S.

    Thank you Marlise. I have rarely felt or really engaged in being a part of a Community so I look forward to doing so with LoR.

    This statement really spoke to me: “If I remain a single actor, I can only bring the water I carry in my flask. My journey lacks a surrounding of voices to challenge me, encourage me, correct me, and admonish me. ”

    I have always felt rather helpless and just today as I start to dig into the pinned post readings I said out loud, how do Black people in this country (U.S.) not walk around enraged with the way things still are here? The importance of Community is becoming increasingly apparent to me. Listening to shared experiences (increasingly recently during Diversity Equality and Inclusion sessions at work) has moved me to tears every single time. These are things that some people deal with on a regular almost daily basis and I cannot imagine.

    Some of the best friends in my life are the ones who have never been afraid to call me out on things as they have helped me to evolve and become a better person over time. I look forward to those same challenges from this Community here.

  41. Sara Schwanke Avatar
    Sara Schwanke

    Thank you, Marlise.
    I’m currently reviewing posts to see ways I frame conversations and you’re absolutely right. I need serious tools and to put in more work if i want to mitigate the harm I’m doing to black and brown communities.

    I love your advice to challenge myself in my white spaces. Some steps I took to live out that advice is i brought up cultural representation as a concern in my end of the year growth mindset interview with my principal. I brought up how something I want to focus on next year is bring more black representation into my classroom and how I was mindlessly choosing posters and books to read that showed people that looked like me. I’ve been teaching summer school and have been more mindful about books I’m assigning and videos I’ve assigned to ensure black and brown people are represented. Another project I’m working on is to make sure that our MTSS behavioral/academic support group isn’t disproportionately targeting students of color. My school is predominately white and as a special education teacher I am in every MTSS, k-2 ,meeting to provide intervention supports for struggling students. This summer I’m working on going through the logs to ensure that students of color aren’t being disproportionately targeted. I have social anxiety so calling out my friends, co-workers, and standing up to people in authority is very difficult for me, but Lace on Race has taught me that I can’t hide behind my social anxiety or use it as an excuse to continue to be complacent and harm POC. Lace taught me my mental disorders are not a hall pass. I acknowledge it’s not about me. It’s about the black and brown people I’m harming and the changes I need to make so I can mitigate the harm I’m doing.

  42. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Those threads of individualism run deep! I have to dismantle that one for myself as well. Thank you for sharing your reflections and your commitment to “moving forward into discomfort with a community”

  43. Lacey Lipe Avatar
    Lacey Lipe

    Thank you for this, Marlise.
    It must have been posted while my son was here and I got way behind on reading.
    The image of a quilt is so beautiful and appropriate. I was alone with my one or two squares of fabric and missing out on the community.
    This week I have really seen how we come together to make those stitches and put our individual pieces together. Whether it was total engagement, an observation, a comment of support, staying to read through the entire Jim/Kate piece, or growing together through the lessons to build greater resilience and reliability… we worked (and are continuing to work) through this as an opportunity to create and build upon this lovely, amazing quilt that Lace directs and guides.

  44. Bethany Peabody Avatar
    Bethany Peabody

    I am an introvert by nature and not a real “joiner”. As I begin to do this work, I realize how interwoven white supremacy is with the concept of “individualism”, that we get where we get in life without help. Part of dismantling the over all white supremacist structure is dismantling these collusions.
    I like how Lace requires engagement and asks us to look at our relationships. This piece by Marlise helps with my resolve to continue engaging because what we have here is bigger than any piece. We are building trust and skills, and this isn’t individual work. I like how Marlise shares her vision/dream. We have a goal, and it is a community and individual goal. I’m happy to move forward into discomfort with a community that brings individual voices into a collective that shows us that we are not alone. Thank you, Marlise, for this piece and the feeling of support that it conveys.

  45. Samantha Avatar
    Samantha

    Thank you Marlise. I love the metaphor of the quilt. Luke many people commenting, I have a tendency to step back from community; to want my connections with others and the people I associate with to be naturally forged. However, the relationships where it really felt like it mattered, where I didn’t want it to slip through my fingers all had a level of intentionality as they were forming. If I want to learn from a community, I should strive to be a valuable contributor as well. If I want to find like-minded friends to stand up with and create real and lasting change, those friends aren’t just going to fall into my lap. I need to bring something valuable to the table too.

  46. Julie Helwege Avatar
    Julie Helwege

    “I will be open to the painful (painfully necessary) accountability that comes with being fully seen, warts and all. I will be conscious of the role I play in creating that community, and stay responsible to the commitments I make to uphold that community.” This really speaks to me, and I’m fully committed (rosacea, graying hair and all). I’ve played on teams all my life – I need community and want the accountability and responsibility that isn’t just singular. “The sum is greater than its individual parts.” I want to be challenged, encouraged, sustained and admonished. I’m grateful everyday for this new community.

  47. Shara Cody Avatar
    Shara Cody

    It resonates with me that community is how we survive better. When we have other people to share with, we are more likely to succeed and everyone can grow and build together. That means when we start to waiver, the momentum of others is there to grab us and pull us back in. You’re so right that We have to commit to the community for it to work and to lessen and mitigate the harm to Black and Brown people by white people.

  48. Christina Sonas Avatar
    Christina Sonas

    Today on the Facebook group, Lace shared a post from Kinfolk Kollective asking, “Where are all the hippies?” There are many, many reasons within White supremacy and White privilege for why White people didn’t and won’t stay within the antiracism movement. But one thing popped into my mind right away, and later when I sat down to work this pinned post, there it was. We White walkers at LoR have all of those same White supremacy reasons within us, challenging our commitment on a daily basis. But we have something the hippies didn’t have: we have an intentional community, with a skilled and motivated leader and a mission firmly centered on reducing White harm.

    Not everyone who “joins” Lace on Race wants to be a true member of the community; maybe 90%, even 95% of them don’t. But those who arrive, who onboard, who engage and read and listen and write and contribute and hurt and learn and stay and grow? I feel really good about their chances. I plan to be one of them, to abide and to sustain, with intention, accountability, vulnerability, so that every day I can lessen and mitigate the harm to black and brown people, inflicted and perpetuated by White people.

  49. Jessie Lee Avatar
    Jessie Lee

    Marlise, thank you for these stirring words. Your idea of community as both a refining fire and a renewing well of sustenance rings true for what I’ve experienced so far in this community. I’ve found that the times I’ve allowed myself to be seen, covered in warts, have presented opportunities for refinement that sustained me through a profound sense of belonging.
    I know about myself that it’s very easy for me to resist community, to resist allowing others to see me fully. It’s especially unnatural for me to put myself out there in an online community, but it’s getting more natural the more I do it.

  50. Catherine Seaver Avatar
    Catherine Seaver

    “A community brings accountability. A community contains responsibility. A community offers space to learn a new trade, in a new way, with new tools. As Lace often states, “New people doing new things in new ways.” A community is both a refining fire and a deep, renewing well of sustenance.”

    I love this post Marlise and feel that it deeply reflects my own realizations – that choosing to show up here, to learn and engage and grow will have a far more significant impact on my efforts to reduce harm to black and brown folks, caused by me and other white folks. Even in the short time I’ve been involved in this space I’ve had to acknowledge my mistakes, feel deep discomfort around how I was actually deciding what was important, ignoring Lace’s leadership and just wanting to be seen and take up space – key ingredients in the perpetuation of white supremacy.

    This seems so much more efficient – to do it together, and so much deeper and lasting. In a community, I receive the gifts and generosity of correction – acknowledging that any growth that happens in me is really a side-benefit because the point is to be causing less harm and havoc in the lives of black people. And we also get to experience the warmth of connection, something that is so sustaining for the walk ahead.

    Marlise, I appreciate too that you mention that “Certainly I can be a single actor in learning and living anti-racism, but I am starting to see and feel the weaknesses of that. I am starting to challenge my belief that I can be a useful single actor.” I’m noticing a real parallel to the group therapy I was part of – it was slow, and so much more uncomfortable than individual therapy… but the changes that happened there for me saved my life and are part of how I now manage my mental health, so I can do important work of continuing to grow up here. I’m so glad we are in this together, weaving a warm, thick, and lasting fabric as we walk together.
    And so I’ll continue to take steps, each day to engage here and in my face-to-face life. Breaking it down to steps, showing up, — wash, rinse, repeat.

  51. Konstanze Avatar
    Konstanze

    Thank you so much for this piece! I’m not sure if it’s the right take from it, but reading it feels soothing. This might be because I came to this place looking for community, accountability and shared responsibility. I’ve felt stuck for a while, partially because of the roles I have taken on in my online communities. Finding a community I will be able to walk with, learn from and be in conversation with and who will hold me accountable is actually a relieve. I know that I will start moving forward again with you.

  52. Debbie L Kinsinger Avatar
    Debbie L Kinsinger

    Michelle, I love your example of fire and how the embers need to hold together to keep it alive. I see us all as embers glowing with warmth and light in the hearth of home and community; drawing us together around it to share our stories, in a place where it’s safe to be vulnerable. The more I read, the more I see this is the community I’ve been longing for. Also the deepening quilt metaphor of our individual roles, and stitching and restitching. I felt called to create a space for self-examination and collaboration in 2017 as the growing polarity within my personal communities began to be unbearable. But I lacked the wisdom of knowing how to draw in community, to a place where it felt safe to be raw and vulnerable, so I was that “single actor, bringing only the water I had in my flask”. Still, the space I created served a purpose, it kept me reaching until I found a quilt of community that I want to participate in here.

  53. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    The necessity of intentionality is something that I took away from this post as well and have been working on that resiliency through this community. It’s a long road, but focusing on each step has helped me not fall into the exhaustion of helplessness/being overwhelmed.

  54. Shay Roberts Avatar
    Shay Roberts

    Ashley, I appreciate and relate to your response. I am also undergoing this shift from single actor to intentional engagement in the community by having a deliberate schedule for the pinned posts and committing to fully digesting the content, while also engaging with the other community members. Thank you for your response!

  55. Shay Roberts Avatar
    Shay Roberts

    “Single actor can only bring the water I carry in my flask. It lacks a surrounding of voices to challenge me, encourage me, correct me, and admonish me. I will not get very far before growing tired.”
    This makes me think of the requests I have been hearing from racial justice organizers and creators in online spaces to their (usually new influx) of white supporters to not abandon the cause once it’s no longer trending. Or the statements of fact that while all the increased support is wonderful, the reality is that it will eventually quiet down as the white allies tire out for different reasons. This is juxtaposed with the rumblings and complaints (do I even say, whining?) of my white friends (including myself) who speak of the emotional exhaustion in speaking up and calling in our white counterparts, repeating ourselves, explaining things again and again, and our privileged selves remaining shocked at the pushback we receive. It’s been such a short period of our lives and already we are tired and in need of a nap. Time to grow up though. Marlise’s statements have me thinking that this growing up will only occur in community. Being vulnerable and seen. Open to painfully necessary accountability. Conscious of our role and staying responsible to the commitments made to uphold the community. For me that means keeping a schedule for working through the pinned posts, reading and rereading and taking notes/journaling, reading others’ comments and engaging with them. As Marlise says being intentional and being in this together. This is the way to grow up and not tire out.

  56. Rebecca Avatar
    Rebecca

    Julia, your description really developed this metaphor further and helped me to see some of the ways we can all interact and gave a broad view of the tugs and needs for seam ripping and re-stitching within the context of time. I will be revisiting this vision frequently as I remind myself to engage, to weave, and not to yank my threads from the quilt.

  57. Vicki Avatar
    Vicki

    This has been a dawning realization for me over the last couple of years: Being part of a community is so much more demanding, and rewarding, than acting alone. I’ve tried to avoid some of the demands by focusing on what is wrong with the community instead of engaging with it. I’m learning that it’s possible to both recognize the shortcomings, and engage in meaningful and even fulfilling ways. It’s a new idea for me, but not new to so many BIPOC.

  58. Stacie Ilchena Avatar
    Stacie Ilchena

    I love this analogy of stitching together a quilt, something valuable for both beauty and function. Spinning thread is both time consuming and imperfect. In quilting, precision is essential, but there are infinite creative ways to make it work.

    I have a lot of reading and reflecting to do on my own, to refine the thread I have to work with and to shape my own pieces. That alone provides little beauty or function.

  59. Julia G. Avatar
    Julia G.

    Christin, the words, “How do you feel this translates into your roles in this community?” stimulated a vision: each square of the quilt (or circle or abstract shape) is comprised of the community members’ life force. The stitches holding the fabric together are formed by our interpretations of the material we’ve read, our thoughts, our emotions, our a-ha! moments. Sometimes stitches need to be ripped out and resewn as we dive deeper and allow learning to reach greater depths in self. Some stitches tug away from others, some pull closer together, some are sewn without attention and give way easily, others become tidy, graceful seams. With the passage of time, working separately and together, the quilt becomes close-knit, whole, sturdy and flexible. Always alive, adding new sections, stretching, supporting, holding this group, making room for others. Over the course of time, the quilt becomes softer. It’s a safe place to lie down, to snuggle into, as we hang out talking together on Lace’s porch, tea and lime pie in hand. Ultimately, this mother of all blankets becomes a comforting place of peace, support and safety to all. Lots of loose ends at times, lots of a-stitch-in-time-saves-nine, maybe never beautiful but always dearly loved.

  60. Michelle Wicks Cypher Avatar
    Michelle Wicks Cypher

    Thank you for sharing a beautiful vision of community. I also had the example of a fire and when a piece of wood (or charcoal) is removed from the fire, it slowly dies out. When they are all together in the fire, it keeps all of the pieces of wood burning. “If I remain a single actor, I can only bring the water I carry in my flask. My journey lacks a surrounding of voices to challenge me, encourage me, correct me, and admonish me. I will not get very far before growing tired. When I make camp, I am vulnerable to adversaries, both external and internal. I will not get far without starting to compromise my praxis in order to stay solitary.” This part really spoke to the importance of not just being a part of this community as a “lurker” but as a participant. Someone who engages so as to be challenged as well as encouraged. To learn and to grow so I can go out and do.

  61. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    What were your takeaways, Tiffany? What is your vision for our quilt of this community? And your responsibilities in moving that vision forward?

  62. Tiffany Hunter Avatar
    Tiffany Hunter

    Done.

  63. Zan Avatar
    Zan

    What a poetic description of the value of community. Thank you for sharing.

    I especially appreciate your thoughts on how to be part of a treasured community. I have not been part of one since high school, which wasn’t exactly treasured. That was just over 30 years ago. Just this year, perhaps due to the isolation of a pandemic, the pull to find a community that I can be part of has really grown stronger. Your post gives me words I hadn’t found yet with reason, validation, and guidance. I am grateful.

  64. april Avatar
    april

    I am going to jump in at this point with what may seem like a verbal vomit, but this post really resonated with me and the yearnings of my heart. I am a PhD student in political science at a predominately white institution and I study race, constructions of race and how those two concepts intersect with the US education system. I have been yearning for a community, for conversation and dialogue with like minded white women who are seeking to understand, share and teach, but who commit to holding each other accountable. This space is a gift. Thank you for creating this space, thank you for bearing the emotional burden of engaging on this difficult topic with those of us who need remediation on the topic of race.

  65. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    How do you feel this translates into your roles in this community?

  66. Mischelle Kwa Avatar
    Mischelle Kwa

    The quilt of community is a warmth I enjoy.

  67. Amy Sechrist Avatar
    Amy Sechrist

    Marlise- this line especially resonated with me-
    “I will cast aside my single actor visions of saviorism and goodness.” Thank you for naming these problematic ways of being. I have been able to identify for a few years now that I operate as if my ability to be good or right gives me a “leg up”. What can make me feel special. Here at Lace on Race I find I’m pretty ordinary for thinking that way. I have various communities, but come home and isolate myself. If I can drop the “good” nonsense, maybe it won’t feel as dangerous to be in community. Working towards relentless reliability, even though I’m fuzzy on what that is. Thanks again.

  68. Rebecca Avatar
    Rebecca

    Thank you for your work, Marlise. Your hope “… to see the threadbare strands of personal connection between us grow into a richly woven tapestry. A thick blanket that one can wrap around her shoulders when the wind howls and the temperature nips at her nose,” gave me hope and a new expectation for myself to face the the kind of vulnerability that I think of as very painful so that I don’t “ghost” this community. I ghost things in my life in the name of independence when what I really want is to be part of the tapestry. I’m denying others the gift of my reliability and myself the joy of belonging when I do that, not to mention harming others when I yank my thread away.

  69. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Hi Devon, Could I push on why you’re looking for safety in anonymity in this work?

  70. Devon Avatar
    Devon

    I relate to this. My family is military, my physical community changes every 1-3 years. Creating new deep relationships where you can be safe emotionally, mentally and spiritually is very difficult. This is especially the case when meeting new people is scary and sitting and watching from the sidelines is the best way to know where the safest path to acceptance lies. This is not foolproof though, sometimes hurt happens because you did not throw yourself into the community. I think this digital community can be different, with its safety in relative anonymity, while still engaging deeply with others. I will read an article and sit with it and try to engage others who are also sitting and thinking.

  71. Megan Danforth Avatar
    Megan Danforth

    Really appreciate this dialogue, Christin and Leah. Yup, another perfectionist here that also strove to be the teacher’s pet, fearful of saying the wrong thing, which prevents me from saying anything at all sometimes. I had not related this tendency to white supremacy, so I’m very grateful for this new awareness and nudge for internal reflection on this relationship. Thank you.

  72. Leah Gallo Avatar
    Leah Gallo

    What’s shocking to me (but probably not to any POCs or long time walkers) is how many people, myself included, fit into this box of perfectionism and being afraid of being wrong, or commenting or engaging. I see people mentioning this in comments everywhere, my own initial posts included. I know now that perfectionism is a sign of white supremacy culture, I just don’t fully understand why yet – although I’m beginning to think it’s because it’s an excuse for complacency and it’s a selfish sort of centering rather than being about the greater good. I really look forward to reading the Relational Ethics series to understand this better.

  73. Leah Gallo Avatar
    Leah Gallo

    Thank you for this excellent analogy. I relate so much as someone who has gone through life as a single actor but who is now engaging in a community for the first time. It’s a paradigm shift, a decentering, away from the me and into the greater good – in this case helping
    prevent harm to black and brown people.

  74. Ashley K Avatar
    Ashley K

    “We can be intentional.”
    That is what feels different right now, for me. The intentionality of it. I’m not just jumping from book to book, paying attention when I have time. I start my days visiting and engaging with this community. I have a schedule for working through the pinned posts, ensuring I’m engaging and taking them in as well, but not all at once, because there is so much here. At the same time I’m working on getting to know who people are within this community, as I’ve mentioned elsewhere that I’m realizing I’ve never really felt part of any community. I’ve been a single actor. That’s clearly not been effective. Thank you for sharing this piece with us.

  75. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Hi Jessica, Did not mean to imply you had made a mistake, but I’m so sorry because in rereading my own comment, I can see that. I wanted to make sure you’d read the guidelines because I want to explore a bit about what you expressed within that context. I’ll personalize a bit: I always wanted to be top of the class, I always wanted to have the ‘right’ answer, I always wanted to be sure of my own footing in any situation. So I certainly can relate to your discomfort at being the “new kid.” While that new kid feeling may dissipate, our feelings of discomfort really never will. If we aren’t feeling discomfort, then we aren’t being challenged, and I’d wager that at no point down the line will we ever stop being challenged. Lace is resetting all of us through the Relational Ethics series, starting with Terry Real and that posts talks a lot about what you mention. I just thought you’d get a lot out of that. So as one perpetually uncomfortable person to another, welcome! I look forward to walking with you!

  76. Angela Avatar
    Angela

    This is such a challenge to so many of my tendencies – toward individualism, a streak of perfectionism with a heavy dose of staying quiet in new places and with new people unless/until I’m sure I can get it right, and being very, very introverted. And yet, I can begin to see as I work through these initial readings how the guidelines requiring engagement, the expectations for this community, and this post about the accountability and strength found in community fit together. I will keep striving to deepen my understanding of how my own tendencies and the need for community here relate to race and anti-racism, and to learn and engage here.

  77. Jessica Brown Avatar
    Jessica Brown

    Hello Christin, yes sure, you’re welcome to ask me anything you like. I read the guidelines before anything else, certainly before leaving a reply – but it’s possible I have made a mistake. I’ll reread ASAP.

  78. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Hi Jessica, Would it be ok if I ask you a bit about your response here? Along with that, have you read the community guidelines yet, particularly the guidelines surrounding engagement?

  79. Renee Avatar
    Renee

    I think that my roles are to listen, engage, and reflect. It’s also my responsibility to take those reflections and the things that I’m learning outside of this space into my family, my friend groups and speak up. I need to encourage like minded friends to do more and to challenge people who are not like minded, all of this in service of minimizing harm to black and brown people. In reading some of the writings elsewhere on the page, I want to be a corrective experience, rather than a retraumatization.

  80. Jessica Brown Avatar
    Jessica Brown

    Thank you for sharing your vision, Marlise. Your writing helps me in beginning to form an idea of how I should interact in this community.

    The tighter we intertwine the stronger we are.

    Though I want to meet you all as an equal I feel desperately unqualified to do so. These new-kid, uncomfortable feelings will just have to swell around until I can get into a groove that feels right – or let them go. I’ll monitor my own internal reactions and assess what they mean before jumping in with reactions and ideas – I will attempt to engage in a way that minimizes harm, as is my RESPONSIBILITY.

  81. Seanna Avatar
    Seanna

    In my own life I have really noticed an absence of community in the mental health sphere. I feel like it is extremely important to support the mental health of our citizens and I don’t see that support happening. As for how the absence of community has been cultivated in our culture to avoid accountability I would say one way is the belief in American society that if something doesn’t impact you as an individual than it doesn’t matter. Our society is so focused on individualism and not seeming to care what happens to others in our community and country. I see a lot of individuals who do not feel like they have to be accountable for problems in our society because they do not impact them personally.

  82. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Welcome to the community, Allison! I understand what you mean about the fear of making mistakes as tied to approval-seeking as I battle that as well (and it’s most certainly part of the relational habits we were taught under white supremacy (ws)). There’s also this extra layer tied into it (at least for me) about how being corrected means I was wrong in the first place – as a white woman, I often try to position myself to be ‘right’ to be ‘above reproach,’ but I’m finally understanding through this community, just how toxic that is and how deeply embedded it is in our ws society. That’s one reason we push past and sit in our discomfort and make comments even when we don’t know the ‘right’ answer. I look forward to walking with you!

  83. Megan Danforth Avatar
    Megan Danforth

    Yes, I read this piece and thought deeply on entitlement versus expectation. It’s an inquiry with a lot to chew on. I like this: “Expectation also makes room for the Other… Expectation allows us to meet each other right in the eye, unlike the top down, blindered way of entitlement.”. This is a really important reframe for me; thank you so much. When we approach one another with expectation, we are calling both of our selves forward toward our potentiality and meeting in the hopeful and respectful space created between us. Entitlement renders no space for ‘us’; In fact, entitlement has a way of imprisoning ourselves while at the same time imprisoning another, as if each has only one place they belong. Instead, expectation creates belonging, a big breath of belonging. Appreciate your nudge here, Christin. In gratitude.

  84. Allison McGrath Avatar
    Allison McGrath

    I have been inspired throughout my life by the communities around me, but I tend to only partially commit to those communities – I think because I’m not comfortable being seen, and because I focus a lot on what others think of me.

    In this community I know I will be responsible for bringing myself along and contributing. The thought of being held accountable and expected to comment (with the likelihood of making mistakes) makes me uncomfortable. But I know that overcoming my desire for approval and the ways that it limits me in speaking up is a crucial part of improving as an ally.

    I really appreciate the vision of community laid out here – thank you for the insight.

  85. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    I see so much of me in you… I still feel those teacher’s pet goals every time Lace or one of the admin team engage with me. But I’m learning more about how that attitude is steep in white supremacy culture and is harmful to people of color and to me. Once I hit that understanding though, the internalization process is where I stumble the most… As one teacher’s pet to another, I just wanted to say that you most definitely will always be the student, but that’s the point. We’re here to listen to and follow black leadership, not become the leaders ourselves. So in that perspective, what are your roles and responsibilities in this community?

  86. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Yes, there definitely is vulnerability in community and sometimes that comes with discomfort, but we sit in that discomfort so that we can learn and grow.

    In the introduction to the Hope and Vision series, Lace discusses expectation and entitlement (link below). How does that relate to your being in this community?
    https://laceonrace.com/index.php/2020/02/08/hopes-an-introduction/?fbclid=IwAR0w-WLYmpjzen_Yi7ldxpGWqX4JXqqfYd2uIUENWy7mZZFHVDHRc8TyW0s

  87. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    So what do you think are your roles and responsibilities in this community?

  88. Leah Clark Avatar
    Leah Clark

    I’m mostly comfortable being part of a community in which I feel knowledgeable about the culture. In opening myself to being a part of THIS community, I’m always uncomfortable, because I know nothing. And being okay with being uncomfortable is, I guess, part of the process. Knowing that I will not ever be the Teacher’s Pet (as is usually my main goal, tbh), knowing that I am part of the whiteness that has perpetuated harm on black and brown people, knowing that I will most likely always be the student because there is so much to learn. And also accepting that I cannot simply be silent and not engage because I feel inadequate, that I must be willing to stumble repeatedly and get back up because it is the only way I will learn.

  89. Megan Danforth Avatar
    Megan Danforth

    What a beautiful reflection! I love where your words have led me within my own experience; I founded a nonprofit organization focused on building community through music in my small southern Oregon town. It began with a world music chorus and blossomed into other programs. What I am thinking about right now, though, is how often I felt alone in the work. It wasn’t actually because I was alone (there were many others helping) but rather because of my fear of vulnerability. It was in my inability to fully reveal myself that I created a sense of aloneness and resentment within the community I had actually cultivated. I worked too hard on maintaining a strong and knowledgable and visionary persona and thus alienated myself.

    This essay also has me thinking about my discomfort in joining an online community. I spend very little time on the computer and barely any on social media. I prefer to spend all my time with real people, real places, real books, real everything (of course I know you’re all real!). It already feels uncomfortable (that’s a good thing I’m certain) that no one can hear me express my own words, feel the emotion in my gestures, or empathize with my energy. Somehow I am meant to embrace, support, and feel understood simply through the words I type and read. This is a whole new way of being in community for me.

  90. Renee Avatar
    Renee

    Thank you for writing this. It really spoke to me. I have really started to notice/worry about the weakness of my solitary actions. At times, it has discouraged me, sadly, to the point of inaction. This page refreshes me and gives me hope of having community. I do have like friends also committed to action and having an ‘activism buddy’ for the sake of accountability helps. But this is another level of community that I truly appreciate (I appreciate the potential for it, because I can’t pretend to be a part of it when I just got here). I’m happy to have accountability not just for whether I physically show up to something, but whether I show up internally.

  91. Marlise Avatar
    Marlise

    Seanna, where do you see a need for community in your life? How has absence of community been cultivated in our culture to avoid accountability for harm?

  92. Seanna Avatar
    Seanna

    Thank you Marlise for posting this very important and personal thread. I am so excited to learn and grow in this community with you and everyone else here.

  93. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Hi Teri, I’m looking back at this post and saw your comment from a few weeks ago. What did you decide to do about that project?

  94. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    This really resonated with me, Mariana – thanks. Being vulnerable and exposed and open to kind candor is beneficial for both community and personal growth. I know that when I read through threads where Lace is engaged in kind candor, I learn so much by seeing myself in that person and recognizing ways in which I have similarly caused harm. I assume others have been able to do the same when I have needed some kind candor. I think our vulnerability is necessary for letting others learn and change with us

  95. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    and engaging too, right?

  96. Tammy Avatar
    Tammy

    Thank you for your beautiful prose and your encouragement. I am listening.

  97. Emily V Avatar
    Emily V

    Marlise, I am glad I read that today. And I am glad you wrote it. I have been feeling what you described–behaving as a single actor with the weaknesses you described. I have to tell you, I struggle to live those 3 Rs because of it. I must do this walk in the company and community of others. Here.

  98. Katie Peige Avatar
    Katie Peige

    Thank you for this post. I am excited to be apart of this community and grow together. I love the image of the tapestry. This weekend I had a conversation with a friend about racism and we discussed our thoughts and what we could do/ have done. My friend praised me for being such a good person for the little I had done. That didn’t make me feel better because I know this is a long journey and it’s not about being the savior or the good person. It’s about doing the work to not cause harm to Black and brown people. Thank you for the invitation to grow with the community here.

  99. Pallavi Chandna Avatar
    Pallavi Chandna

    Oh my goodness. I have made the mistake of focusing on being a single actor, far too many times in life. By doing this, I was being disrespectful and dismissive to the people who have been doing racial justice work for years and have developed spaces and frameworks. It requires me to step out of myself and realize that my pain and my priorities and what I want is not what walking in this space is about. And if I keep only focusing on myself, I’ll never truly stop harming Black and Brown people.

  100. Marlise Avatar
    Marlise

    Anne, here is a good first step for you! Don’t wait on hopes or emotional comfort to take the step. Make a conscious commitment now of what you will do today (and tomorrow etc) to be vulnerable and participate. Then, follow through. Rinse. Repeat. We are building muscles of habit.

  101. Marlise Avatar
    Marlise

    Then I am glad you are here, because you will need some serious tools to walk well and hold others well if you are entering spaces no longer dominated by white people. Something I would push a bit on is looking at ways to challenge the environments you are in instead of finding ways to leave them. Sometimes, as white people, we get a mentality that we can just move our little bubble to a more comfortable space instead of risking and making noise in the problematic spaces we already exist in.

  102. Sara Schwanke Avatar
    Sara Schwanke

    Thank you for the great post. I am truly excited to be challenged and grow in this community. After reading this post, I’m reflecting on what communities I’m part of in my every day life. I have been seriously considering transferring schools. I currently teach in a predominantly white community whereas there are other schools within the district that teach a vast, diverse community. I want to make a difference as a teacher as well as become apart of a community that embraces and represents all kinds of races and cultures.

  103. Kristen Colvin Avatar
    Kristen Colvin

    I definitely relate to this. I am so afraid to speak because I don’t want to say the wrong thing and accidentally hurt someone. But how will I learn to speak appropriately without practice and critique from the community? Thank you for putting this into words and encouraging us to fully commit to the community.

  104. Clare Steward Avatar
    Clare Steward

    Marlise, so beautifully written. I am excited to be part if this community. To learn and grow and share in this “safe-ish” space where it’s going to be uncomfortable and challenging. Growth and change is not easy work and I’m ready for it.

  105. Amanda DeMilner Avatar
    Amanda DeMilner

    I love what you have to say about exhaustion and burnout. It rings very true to me. I hadn’t mad the connection that times when I’ve felt exhausted and ready to quit have also been times when I felt alone. When I’ve felt like a part of a team, I may feel tired and overworked, but I haven’t wanted to quit.

    Marlise, your thoughts on what’s lost by being a single actor are eye-opening. I tend to have an “I’ll just do it myself” attitude, which is great for personal projects, but not at all helpful for things like dismantling white supremacy and institutional racism. Being in community requires work, but it also offers significant benefits.

    Thank you Marlise and Varda for sharing.

  106. Lexie Mc Avatar
    Lexie Mc

    I identify with your statement, Mariana.
    I feel a sickening safety in attempting to do this work alone because no one can criticize my words. There isn’t any challenge, no accountability, but then there also isn’t any growth.

    I’ve been trying to work on my racial identity for years but with little evidence of growth. I have been reading more. I have discussed with my close inner circle. But I’ve also maintained the mentality that “my intentions are good, so therefore I am good.”

    Looking forward to risk, accountability, discomfort, and growth.

  107. Jeanine Avatar
    Jeanine

    Thanks for your thoughtful words, Marlise. I want to abide in and sustain this community.

  108. Morgan Leigh Callison Avatar
    Morgan Leigh Callison

    “I will be vulnerable and SEEN by communities I walk in. I will be open to the painful (painfully necessary) accountability that comes with being fully seen, warts and all. I will be conscious of the role I play in creating that community, and stay responsible to the commitments I make to uphold that community.”….this is paramount to doing the work, thank you for highlighting it so eloquently. It has given me an opportunity to reflect on the times I skirted away from being seen because I was scared of doing it wrong or offending someone. I understand more deeply now, that I can do a better job pushing forward in actions of justice, when I get out of my own way and remember that I am not doing this for me, and that I can withstand getting it wrong. Thank you.

  109. Anne Putnam Avatar
    Anne Putnam

    I realize that I don’t have a community to hold me accountable in anti-racism engagement. It’s so much easier to like and repost without really understanding the underlying issues, violence POCs face. I hope to become willing to be vulnerable and learn to participate.

  110. Jes B Avatar
    Jes B

    I will work on my fear of being vulnerable, so that I can be part of this community and contribute in a meaningful way. I have been safe and content in my own community, but I’m ready to be part of something meaningful.

  111. Mariana W. Avatar
    Mariana W.

    I can relate to staying solitary to protect others from seeing my weaknesses. I now see that exposing my “warts and all,” will make it possible for personal growth, which will add to the communities growth as a whole.

  112. Amanda Swartfager Avatar
    Amanda Swartfager

    I believe you are correct that a community is stronger than any single entity. As a very introverted person, I struggle with the vulnerability that comes with participating in a community. I love how you compared it to threads in a tapestry. The visual makes it less overwhelming to me. Thank you.

  113. Christin Spoolstra Avatar
    Christin Spoolstra

    Something my boss always says: You want to go fast, go alone. You want to go far, go together. This community will allow all of us to go far through accountability and responsibility: “As Lace often states, “New people doing new things in new ways.”

    I’ve been thinking the past few days about my role in this community. About how I can be a participant and not just a consumer. I really like what’s said here about being “SEEN” by my community and all that that entails: being vulnerable, being open to painful accountability, being willing to pull upwards and step aside.

    It’s a commitment. One that I’m pushing my own alignment to uphold.

  114. Heather S Avatar
    Heather S

    I love how you explained the idea of community. I haven’t ever made a quilt, but the older generation of women in my family has made a countless number of them. One of their favorite things to do was to create several quilt blocks at home using the same pattern but with whatever fabric they chose and then in the summer during family vacations, sew the quilt together to create a “surprise” quilt. I was always fascinated with the end product as a child, but only as we’ve gotten older have I begun thinking about the process and how important it was. At this point, I don’t even know where some of those quilts are, but I remember how wonderful it was, especially for my mom, her sisters, and her mother, to come together yearly. This community needs the same kind of commitment from me in regards to my participation.

  115. Maggie Avatar
    Maggie

    Thank you for your words, Marlise. As I read, I realize how surrounded I am by current community that does not put anti-racism to the forefront. Lace’s vision here is so well thought out. It is so complete. It is the prescription we all need. I need a space where I am encouraged to do more and to be more so that the POC around me will be safer. Our quilt needs to be bigger than the quilt that racism has sewn. I also appreciate Varda’s comment about working hard and getting tired but not being drained. Rather, I know that the more I devote myself to a passion, purpose, or cause, the greater joy I receive. There will always be pushback in other communities I am a part of but knowing this one is strong and preaches correct doctrine regarding race, I can feel the strength behind me as I walk into other spaces.

  116. Julia Avatar
    Julia

    I’m recalling the open-source (software) maxim: “given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow”.

    Racism is not shallow, and yet. The more we (I) engage, the more skills I will develop, and the better-equipped I can become to actually do this work (and quit moaning about how I caaaaaaaan’t and it’s toooo harrrrrd and I dunno howwwwwww). It is uncomfortable for me, and also, that’s okay.

  117. Erika Stanley Avatar
    Erika Stanley

    A year ago I moved with my family to a new city, leaving behind my proximity to my community of many years. My desire is very much to join, walk and abide in community. To be vulnerable and more importantly to be someone others, especially black and brown folx, can trust – and be safe from harm – when they share their vulnerability. I want to listen deeply and hear others, so that I can really see you, and to let myself be seen “warts and all” as Marlise says. Walking means giving up the idea that I can look good and be one of the good white women.

  118. Rebecca Avatar
    Rebecca

    Thank you for this, Marlise. It reminds me of a parable about two pots, one cracked and leaking water on it’s journey to and from the well, the other perfectly in tact with its load. The cracked pot bemused it’s faults until the other pot pointed out the flowers growing along the path it was watering. When we address topics that require as much pivot as this one we are made better by each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities in that process. We loose so much in that solo silo experience that is so engrained in whiteness. I too frequently operate in and default to that silo.

  119. Varda L Avatar
    Varda L

    I have come to realize in the last several months that burnout and exhaustion aren’t a necessary part of life, but danger signals for lack of appropriate community. If we each do our part in a collective, it can be tiring, but it won’t be draining. There will be much to celebrate, even the pleasure of coming together and caring for each other and our communities. And what we can accomplish will be be multiplied by our shared work and purpose.

  120. Teri Avatar
    Teri

    This is a powerful post, thank you Marlise. I am sure I will come to learn more and more how the rugged individualism so often seen in an American ethos is intimately connected to white supremacy. I am currently finishing up a very large creative project which I fear reinforces a narrative of bootstrap-pulling DIY as a force for growth. This troubles me, because I think it’s not accurate, nor necessarily even helpful. I’m really sitting with what to do about it now as deadlines loom. I am grateful to have made my way to this community and to be learning so much, even if the work is challenging.

  121. Megan H Avatar
    Megan H

    Thank you Marlisle. I like you ruse of metaphors and similes. I like the visual of a community sewing and threading an anti-racist quilt, that is getting bigger and stronger.

  122. Karen Avatar
    Karen

    Marlowe and Alexis, thank you for helping me think about what community is, what I expect, and my responsibilities. I come with white fragility, similar to what Alexis says. I appreciate all that others are offering. I will participate and learn, and offer of myself, too. Alexis, yes, I feel I can just do this on my own, but am seeing thst this interactive, participatory, no reacts space thst Lace created is much more conducive to learning and practice, and I will try to bring these real, vulnerable, safeish ways to more of my life.

  123. Heather Lee Avatar
    Heather Lee

    “Community brings accountability. Community contains responsibility. Community is both a refining fire and a deep, renewing well of sustenance.” I find myself wanting the accountability and the responsibility, but also dropping off (similar to eating well). I want to be consistent and add my sticks to the fire and my water to the well. Thank you for this post, Marlise and for your comment above.

  124. Alexis Avatar
    Alexis

    This explains so much for me. I think I can or need to do this work by myself. I’ve always had a problem with constructive criticism, which is part of my white fragility. I’m still working through my clench about that but it’s definitely getting better. I love this place, and the community is very helpful. I’m learning different ways to learn and grow from different people. And that’s one of the points isn’t it? Lace, I like how everyone is in the same level.

  125. Kathy Kratchmer Avatar
    Kathy Kratchmer

    This is very challenging for me….

    I’ve always struggled With finding community Of finding my way into established community.

    I love the idea of it. I love the LoR community here. But I wonder if we did have events with pie and tea and casseroles, would I attend?

    I’ve always been more of a lone actor—seeing a need and stepping up quietly to address it if it was within my ability to do so. Or making people who could Address it aware. I’ve reluctantly, with.a slowness, sought help when a Solo project grows to be bigger than I can do alone and my preference to go it alone becomes an impediment to addressing the need.

    I think I solo mostly because it feels safest to me, but it also means I have a whole lot of control, little accountability Or oversight from anybody else. Doing newish things, in the ways I already know , on my own terms Or not at all: white culture personified. Ugh.

  126. Maureen Smith Avatar
    Maureen Smith

    I’m new here. This sounds good, and important, and very scary. I want (and part of me doesn’t want) to be part of it. Thank you, Marlise.

  127. Laura Berwick Avatar
    Laura Berwick

    I’ve mentioned before in my interaction in the Lace on Race space, but it ties in here and with what Claire write regarding individuality, but I’ve always been a loner, not a joiner. This community is one of the very very few that I’ve joined by choice and not by accident. I feel like I need to reflect a lot more on that aspect of myself, and pivot from abstract self-exploration to specific racist beliefs and behaviors, because I know they’re there, and while they may not be products of my introversion, they definitely are exacerbated by it.

    This essay and Claire’s are really forcing me to face that, which I appreciate. But they’re also so comforting because I AM part of a community, and I don’t have to do it all unproductively and alone.

  128. Marlise Avatar
    Marlise

    Andrea, I appreciate your openness in your comment.

    I am astounded how we are able to retract into ourselves both in moments where we think we can and where we think we can’t.

    When I am certain that I can do something by skipping to the finish line, it is a short of retraction because I am avoiding the journey. I am avoiding being changed and shifted by others.

    Similarly, when I am certain I can’t because I am unqualified, I am retracting again from the journey.

    None of us have all the tools. But we won’t get them by jumping to destination or by running away. Truly the work is taking the first step, and the next and the next.

    Listening to others. Being guided by leaders. Becoming aware of the terrain. Recognizing where our muscles are weak and need more train.

    We have agency. Far more than we care to admit because agency is work. I look forward to walking more with you in this community!

  129. Andrea Avatar
    Andrea

    Thank You! Your honesty is refreshing.
    I am in danger of getting stuck…again. I’ve been so blown away by the violence that lives in me…I risk another dive into self centering. No way could I have seen it without being a part of this community and reading this article.
    I am no longer here with the expectation of anyone mothering me through my cracking open. Reading this post shines a light on my recent excuse that I’m not qualified for direct anti-racism engagement because I’m such a mess. More and more, I see my belief systems are BS.
    I’m can and will gratefully sign up as a sustaining member. I can no longer take for free the labor of Lace on Race. Free labor is continued violence. Continued entitlement.
    Research shows, we do not commit fully until we are financially responsible for what we receive.
    Thank You again sharing your heart and mind.

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