2 responses to “Relational Ethics Series: Boundaries”

1. 

   Rhonda Eldridge

   March 14, 2021

   Let’s be clear. I get to set them because I’m white. It’s gross, but I do. I decide what time of day I engage in this space, how much time I spend in this space if I feel comfortable enough to participate in this space and it goes on and on and on. In the real world, I choose who I smile at, who I give money to, who I promote, who I support. Isn’t that boundaries? I think this is the crux of my current clench. Starting to realize just how much control and just how many boundaries, I am ‘allowed’ to have.

2. 

   Pallavi Chandna

   September 2, 2020

   * how does privilege inform boundary setting and boundary honoring?
   I am a light-skinned Indian-American woman in a high-income household. Therefore, when I think of my racial privileges, I think of them in the context of my light skin color. It is a privilege to be able to ignore the experiences of my darker-skinned peers because it makes me uncomfortable to hear it and I don’t want to have to “deal with it.” It is absolving myself of responsibility if I decide to “set boundaries” by saying that “I just can’t hear about your pain because it is detrimental to my mental health.” In regards to “boundary honoring,” my light-skin and my wealth make it so that I think I deserve more attention when I want it and if someone tries to set boundaries with me, I will get upset and center myself.
   * how do you conceptualize boundaries?
   I conceptualize boundaries as saying or implying, “I don’t want to hear about it, don’t bother me about this, there is nothing I can do” or saying or implying, “I don’t have space or capacity to hear you or listen to you right now.”
   * how do the issues of power dynamics come into play?
   In a position of power, such as being light-skinned and from a high-income background (I think perhaps the better terms would be as a white-adjacent person, perhaps?), it is very easy for me to gaslight someone who is trying to express their pain to me. I could get away with tone-policing my Black peers and dismissing them if they said something that I didn’t want to hear.
   * are boundaries rigid or flexible?
   I think it would depend on the issue and the intention behind the boundary. For example, if someone is using boundaries as an excuse to keep their power or exert their power over someone else, then it is important and vital that those boundaries are challenged and therefore flexible. However, if someone is having a difficult time because they are having a depressive episode and need time off of work, the boundary should be rigid.
   * what about when someone sets boundaries with you?
   It’s important to me to respect people’s boundaries, especially if I’m in a position of power above them.
   * what is the purpose of boundaries?
   I’m thinking the appropriate use of boundaries are those that provide rest and respite to someone who is in pain.
   * when are boundaries used in service to white supremacy?
   Boundaries are used in service of white supremacy when I use my light skin and my high-income status as an excuse to hurt someone, regardless of the intention. So for example, if a Black person came to me and expressed that they were harassed by someone who called them racial slurs, I would be hurting them if I ignored them or became defensive or said that they deserved it and if they worked harder than it wouldn’t happen to them.