Facebook Publication Date: 9/3/2021 8:09
THE 6 TENETS: TENET 5 – GROW UP
When people lose their patience with the process and or the method–and or with me– it’s this next tenet which gets mentioned most, either covertly or overtly.
My insistence on growing up; of bringing our full adult selves into the work of racial justice chaps a lot of people’s hides.
I understand why; on the face of it at least, it can definitely seem to be insulting to tell someone with lease agreements and keyfobs and AMEX cards and who is allowed to work the kitchen stove by themselves that, in crucial ways, they have not yet advanced out of a metaphorical toddler stage when it comes to doing durable change work around the area of race.
I stand by it tho. One of the things I have said frequently; alluded to in the article in Vox Magazine https://www.vox.com/2020/6/3/21278165/george-floyd-protests-social-media-blackouttuesday-lace-watkins-on-race-interview, and said even more overtly in other interviews and also to groups, is that one of white people’s privileges in this work is that they have not *had to know* about either the particulars of what has actually gone down since 1619, but they also haven’t had to take deep dives into the specifics of the ramifications and long term and continuing consequences of white supremacy and how it plays out in their lives, and, still more crucially, in the lives of people they purport to stand with and for.
Some of the words and phrases I could use to describe what I am shorthanding here are selective inattention; willful incompetence; misplaced urgency–to do rather than to be (we’ll get to that later); and being stuck in how some people describe the second stage of psychosocial development: autonomy vs. shame/doubt.
Let’s take the last one –because, in no small part, it informs other descriptors.
Toddlers want to Do The Thing. So do we.
We want to do it our own way; we want to reinvent wheels, and we want to put what we have learned (or not) into practice, but without wanting to acknowledge that there are sometimes–oftimes–different, more effective, sometimes even easier ways of Doing The Thing.
We want to Do It–but rather than curiosity and collaboration, and the knowing of the not-knowing that comes with a durable maturity, we want to do it without input.
We know the cake needs eggs, but not that you need to crack them into the bowl, rather than dumping the round things in.
We know we need to put on shoes and socks, but forget which goes first, and can often feel deep stirrings of shame when gentle laughs emerge.
All of these things make for a toxic melange. We want to know more than we know, but we also want to show off what we know. We know how hard it can be to figure out which hole to poke our heads through–there are three holes after all! We wanna figure it out ourselves, and while we know that the little hole we can’t poke our foreheads through is a puzzle, still, we can feel the shame of not-knowing when a gentle (or not so gentle) hand guides our head toward the right opening, and, if you see (or feel you see) ridicule or derision or contempt in the Other when your head pokes out, what washes over is a feeling you can’t name, but do so hate to feel.
T shirts are now treacherous; shoes and socks minefields–so why try at all?
There is shame. Who are you if you can’t find the right hole? There is doubt. Doubt in one’s abilities. If I can’t find the hole, surely I can’t do anything else! Doubt in the motivation and goodwill and regard of the Other. They helped me, but at my expense. My struggle is a punchline. I resent The Other, even as I need The Other.
Better to retreat into learned helplessness. Safer to insist on a singular perspective; to force one’s head into the armhole even as the seams strain and tear. Better not to try at all.
To grow up so we can grow inward well, there are some things that will indeed need to be acknowledged; that we don’t have all the answers; that things we were told were at best incomplete, and at worst, wholly inaccurate; and that we well may need to give up old ideas in order to grow into maturity. There are only so many polo shirts one can ruin.
There are risks in growing up–risks we are well aware of.
Once we know, we are then responsible for knowing. That’s big, and one reason why there is such resistance to taking tough looks at the past and insisting on a less distorted, and more truthful, narrative–see the tantrums being thrown around Critical Race Theory. Dr. Kimberlie Crenshaw, an early proponent of CRT, and the originator of the term ‘intersectionality’ knows this.
It’s one thing to not fully know how the water fills our cup. Once we know though, we are responsible for what we throw into gutters; for toxic chemicals that can leech into soil. It’s one thing not to know how schools are funded, but once we know, we need to take responsibility for our own choices and how they affect people we might never see, but to which we have a shared civic responsibility.
Choosing to know is a big leap forward to growing up. Choosing to deeply acknowledge what is now known is an exercise that is both hard and necessary.
Maturity, as it applies to racial justice work, demands that we bring our full selves–and the attendant responsibilities and risks–to the work we say we are committed to doing, in order to fully become the people we say we want to be.
This maturity means, perhaps somewhat counterintuitively, slowing down. Becoming a slow cooker; not looking for the easy fix that ruins polo shirts. Not looking for the expedient.
Not throwing tantrums; not blowing up or shutting down or running away. Means choosing to deeply emulate, not merely superficially copy, those who can teach us.
Maturity means humility. It means not shouting ‘I can do it!’ It’s trusting in the intention of the person showing you just the right opening.
Maturity demands the next indicated step. Maturity means internalizing what is presented and then asking, ‘Now what?’ How can I build? What is next? Am I prepared?
Asking ourselves ‘now what?’ means we are now ready for the next leap–that of leaping inward.
A final note: we have talked about childish immaturity. This is not to be at all confused with a childlike wonder, anticipation; impishness; playfulness. These virtues can indeed be enfolded into a greater maturity. Confusing and conflating maturity with joylessness is what so many often do–and it keeps them stuck and or makes them rigid and binary.
Creativity and curiosity are hallmarks of a flexible maturity. Which we will need as we begin to excavate.
Dig deep.
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