Facebook Publication Date: 10/12/2019 4:10

Lace on Race
Relational Ethics

I am never going to publicly ask for rest again.

The universe had other ideas. Not one, but two flounces. Not one but two more protracted private messaging sessions during my workday, no less. Not one but two lost budding friendships in a town where authentic connection is so hard to come by.

More than a few tears shed at my cube.

I am tempted to say the last few days are not what we’re about.

But that would be wrong.

The last few days are exactly what we’re about.

Learning to swim in the soup of white supremacy even as we talk together.

Learning how to hold onto ourselves in the midst onslaughts.

Learning to see ourselves in people whose behaviors make us cringe, and staying in that crucible and not turning away.

Not giving ourselves passes.

Remembering why we do this work and who we do it with and on whose behalf we walk. Pro tip–not for our own aggrandizement. Of the three women who flounced in flaming way, this was the main violation of their stated ethics. They forgot they aren’t here for themselves, and in doing so abandoned the work and the people with whom they insist they align.

They forgot they were in a lab. They forgot this is where we learn to harm less. To stand up more. Not for narcissistic and distorted views of rights and entitlements. But how to lay weaponry down. This is why we are here.

Remembering that this rehearsal space, this lab, is most effective when it is used.

Remembering that the message given–always a gift– always trumps our feelings and our clenches about any given messenger.

Acknowledging that we are one small hair from regression, relapse into old patterns of thinking ourselves, lest we cultivate pride and not humility and resilient reliable resolve.

I have been so distressed about all the things I have needed to write–the list grows ever longer–and the what I felt at the time were derailments to the work I needed to do here.

What wasted time! What wasted effort!

I was so wrong. This extended seminar in applied relational ethics was a gift to us. A gift wrapped in soiled oily smelly paper, tied with dirty twine, but a gift nonetheless.

I hope you all feel, as I do, that the pain of distress, the impugning of our fellow community members, the attrition of some who decided they couldn’t walk with us, the pejorative of the word ‘cult’ and all the attendant woosh that came from it, was a refining fire.

I can give you videos, write you essays. I can say the same things over and over. But seeing how what we have internalized in real time over these last few days are crucial.

Two out of the three women who were doubled down on harm, are academic ‘experts’ on race and relationships. Their formal training and their jobs buttress that.

So. Now you know why I place little value on those things. Because those things, by themselves mean little here. I don’t care about diplomas or certs. I don’t care about where you went to school. I don’t care how effective you say you have been up to now.

This lab cares about none of that. Let it inform you, sure. But don’t rest on your laurels of society’s approbation to allow you to thwart, or do an end run with the guidelines here, or to skim over content, because you felt you learned it 30 years ago.

Hear this–white people’s best work is what got us here. Not just in academics, but also applied; also how white people have been socialized; how white people have been indoctrinated into whiteness and all the toxic fumes that ensue.

Marlise, when she and I were talking about cults, talked about the cult leader’s guide Joanne was placing on every thread she could find, talked about the supreme irony of her missing out on the cult that we have been fighting for two years now.

The cult of whiteness. Joanne and her devotees over the last two days, were performing the very behaviors they accused their fellow walkers of succumbing to.

It would be funny were it not so potentially damaging.

The cult of whiteness, the Myth of White Benevolence, the refusal to walk back some devastatingly hurtful words about the community we have forged, was laid bare.

This is the work. We have no gleaming white robes, but, frankly we really should have cool jackets. Because we are even better than a cult.

We are a community. Jess and Leonie and Selika and Radha and Nora and Deb and Claire and all of us.

Leaning In. Planting Roots. Growing Up To Grow Out.

None of the women displayed our ethos. Because all of them thought they didn’t have to. All of them wreaked violence on all four. Because they didn’t read and internalize them. But we do. This is the banner underneath which we walk together holding hands.

Me too! I am in the community too! Thank you for having me!

So, no rest yesterday. But we should not be at all surprised.

White supremacy takes no breaks.

Neither can we.

Keep walking. I got some real blisters these last few days, so pardon my limp–hold me close so I don’t fall.

Or fail you.

That’s not a cult leader asking for obedience. It’s a sister asking for help.

There will be more of this. As we grow, so there will be more of those who refuse to walk with intention and integrity.

Grab a hand, have bandaids for the blisters.

And for the love of the people we stand with, Keep Walking.

Keep walking.

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